Archive: December, 2009

December 22, 2009

How to Ask for What You Want

Even if you know what you want, how do you ask for it?  It seems that sometimes asking for what you want is synonymous with asking for help…and many people do not like asking for help.  Some of us were raised to be caretakers or to be fiercely independent and asking for help feels uncomfortable or “weak.”  The reality is that if you don’t ask for what you want, you just might not get it.  And…your partner might love it if you ask for something!  He/she may feel excited to be able to give you something or honor you in some way.

When it comes to sex, some people may feel even more unsure about asking.  Here are some things to keep in mind.

  • If you are new to asking, start small.  Any new skill takes practice, so start with something that feels “easy” for you.  You may even start by asking for something you know your partner will say “yes!” to.
  • It might feel more comfortable for your partner to go first.  You can open up by asking your partner if there is anything he/she would like to try.  Or any ways he/she wants to spice it up!  Once the conversation is rolling you can add your wishes too.
  • Instead of speaking your wishes, you can show them.  If you want to be kissed a certain way or in a certain area, you can direct your partner by actions and responses.  If something feels good, don’t be shy to make that known!
  • Start with a compliment.  Starting by mentioning something you like can help set the mood.  Saying, “I love the way you kiss my neck and I think it would be sexy if you also kissed the inside of my thighs” does two things.  It points out what you like (and we all like being complimented!) and it also includes information about something else you would like.

What’s standing in the way of a more exciting or fulfilling sexual experience?  Is it your fear of asking?  If so, it may be time to tackle that fear and ask for what you really want!

Filed under: Intimacy, Relationship, Sexuality — admin @ 6:52 am

December 17, 2009

Are you getting what you want?

Is there something you would like to try in the bedroom?  Is there something your partner does that doesn’t really do it for you?  Or something you two used to do long ago, but for what ever reason you just don’t do it any more and you’re are missing it?

What is stopping you from getting what you want sexually?

Some people I talk to say that fear is holding them back.  They are worried about looking foolish or selfish or even being disappointed if they don’t get what they ask for.

Others may not know how to ask (or how to talk about sex for that matter).

And sometimes you might not know what you want.  If you have spent years taking care of others or years without speaking up for yourself or if sex is a taboo topic for you…it might be hard to know where to begin or what is even possible.

If you aren’t sure what you want, it’s time to tune into your body.  What do you crave?  What feels good?  If you are feeling disconnected from your body, then what do you think about?  What are your fantasies?  What are you missing in your relationship or your sexual life?

Once you know what you would like…then you need to find a way to make it happen.

Next up, “How to ask your partner for what you want.”

Filed under: Relationship, Sexuality — admin @ 5:30 am

December 4, 2009

A Season of Love and Appreciation

The holidays can be an overwhelming time. We are often pulled in many directions with parties and families and gifts and stress. During this “season of giving” it is important to give to your relationship. One way to do this, is to create a list of ways your partner can help you feel loved and appreciated.

Sometimes we do things for our partner, but they are not what our partner wants. For example, you may bring your partner flowers, but what she really would like is help with the dishes. Or you may do all of the cooking and cleaning and feel frustrated when your boyfriend says you never do anything for him. In his mind, he might not care about the cooking and cleaning, but prefer to have you join him at an office party or plan a date night.

The only way for you to get what you really want, is to ask for it. When I work with couples, I will sometimes have them create a list of things that make them feel loved and appreciated. Each member of the couple creates their own list. When your list is complete, you then share it with your partner. Now, when your partner wants to do something for you, they can use your list for guidance. You also have some cues from your partner’s list that you can use as well.

During this busy time of year, you don’t want your relationship to get lost in the shuffle. A little love and appreciation can go a long way.

Filed under: Holidays, Relationship — admin @ 6:42 am