Archive: June, 2010

June 23, 2010

Fair Fighting. Keep your Blow Out from Blowing Up your Relationship.

1133322169-127192Fair Fighting.  What does that mean?  Aren’t we supposed to avoid fighting at all costs?  The reality is that fighting can be helpful if it’s done well.  It can help you resolve an issue or at the very least feel heard.  Sometimes when we hear the word “fight” we picture a huge blow out but that’s not what I’m advocating.  It’s also not helpful to just shut down and keep your frustrations or feelings to yourself.  Finding something more in the middle is what I’m talking about.  Finding a way to talk about things that might be tricky or hard and not having the conversation turn into something ugly.  We talked about Fair Fighting on Studio 6 this week.

Here are a few things to keep in mind in order to keep the peace when “fighting.”

Fair Fighting Dos

  • Solve the Problem – Don’t try to Win
  • Stay in the Present – Don’t Bring up Past Problems (if you are fighting about household chores, don’t bring up your mother-in-law or sex, stick to the topic)
  • Limit your Fights to 30 minutes or Less
  • Take a Time Out if necessary (it’s important that if you request a time out that you then tell you partner how long you need and when you would like to talk about this again)
  • Speak for Yourself – Use “I” statements
  • Take Turns Talking

Fair Fighting Don’ts

  • No Name-Calling
  • No Abusive Language (this can including swearing or sarcasm or anything you find hurtful)
  • Attack the Issue, Not Your Partner
  • Don’t get Physical
  • Don’t Blame Your Partner
  • Don’t Make Threats – No Talk of Divorce or Breaking Up if the fight doesn’t go your way

It’s important to define your fair fight rules with your partner before you are fighting.  You can use the above rules as guidelines and this site also has some great fair fight rules.  Make sure you both agree on what goes on your list.  You may want to add “no yelling” or “no mind reading”  or anything else that feels appropriate for your relationship.

And then you need to post this list where you can see it.  It might take a little time to get in the habit of following the rules, but once you do you’ll quickly learn that taking a little time to keep fighting at bay can give you more quality time with your partner.

Filed under: Relationship — admin @ 10:14 pm

June 19, 2010

A Picnic in Paris

Here is my June Newsleter – it was inspired by my trip to Europe.  The trip still has me thinking about ways to slow down, cultivate romance and intimacy and really enjoy life.  I will have more to say about those themes in future newsletters.

You can subscribe to my newsletter here.

Filed under: Newsletter,Paris,Romance,Self-care — admin @ 4:02 pm

June 11, 2010

(Re)charging Your Relationship!

battery picWhen talking with clients and even with friends, I often hear, “But I don’t have time for that!”  People talk of feeling stressed or overworked or disconnected from their partner.  I ask, “What about a vacation?” I don’t have time (or money) for that! “An overnight trip?”  I don’t have time for that!  “Date night?”  I don’t have time for that!  So what do you have time for?  Can you carve out 30 minutes with your partner?  No?  Can you commit to 10 minutes?  A really good 10 minutes can do wonders for your stress level and for your relationship.  The most important thing is making sure that the time is intentional.  Put it on your calendar and agree on how you are going to spend the time beforehand.  What can you do in 10 minutes?

  • Talk about your next vacation.
  • Make out.
  • Cuddle.
  • Laugh.
  • Take a bath.
  • Go for a Walk.
  • Enjoy a drink out on the patio.
  • Talk about things you love about each other.

Do something that feels so good that you want to use more than your allotted 10 minutes.  Make it so fulfilling, so juicy, that you will want to schedule more time next time.  Once you see how good 10 minutes feels, next time you will want a half an hour.  Give it to yourself!  And once you get used to carving that time out, then date night and maybe even a vacation aren’t too far behind.  Think of this time as a small way you can recharge your relationship.  You have to charge your cell phone right?  You can’t talk and talk and talk and expect the battery to last.  You need to (re)charge yourself and your relationship too.  And the more charged it is, the better it feels (works) between charges.  So instead of “I don’t have time” or “I can’t afford it” it’s time to say “I will make time” (even if it’s 10 minutes) and “I can’t afford to not take the time.”  10 minutes.  You can find 10 minutes.  Stop reading this post and go smooch on your partner!  Take those 10 minutes, starting….Now!

Filed under: Intimacy,Relationship,Romance,Self-care — admin @ 3:02 pm

June 1, 2010

Talkin’ Dirty!

1132815028-3931“I love it when you _______”   “I want you to _______”  “_______ me!”

Talking Dirty!  When we think of a “sexy woman” that is one of the things we think about right?  She is comfortable in the bedroom and can speak her mind.  Sometimes if feels like she was just born sexy, right?  You might think, ‘well she IS sexy, I’m not!’  The great thing about talking dirty is that it is something you can learn.  (and if you aren’t feeling sexy, you should go back to my previous post and do some of those things to help yourself feel sexy!)

The first thing you can do is respond when something is said to you.  You know how awful it feels to say something to your partner and feel like he isn’t listening…well if your partner is trying to talk sexy to you and you are silent, it feels the same way!  When your partner says something sexy and you don’t know what to say in return…a smile, a moan or a little squeeze can help him feel heard.  The next level would be for you to say something.  And the easiest thing is to comment on what is going  “You’re kissing me right now” or “You are touching me here” or “I can feel you inside of me.”  Of course, you can make it racier or sexier and that will take it to the next level.

This is where the “dirty” comes in!  But dirty doesn’t mean you have to use words that offend you or make you uncomfortable…it can mean sexy or sassy or just being a bit surprising.  Now you talk about what you want or what excites you…and your excitement and desire is often what is most exciting for your partner.  So “I love it when you ____” or “I want you to ___” or “It’s so sexy when you ___.”  Throw in a few expletives and a moan and you’ve become a pro!

The thing to remember is that this is a learned behavior.  You don’t have to go from giggling when someone says sex to dropping the “F-bomb” overnight.  Start somewhere that is comfortable to you.  Start by just making sounds.  Then comment on what is happening.  And before you know it you will be whispering (or yelling) those sexy sentiments!

Filed under: Intimacy,Sexuality — admin @ 3:06 pm