Archive: July, 2010

July 28, 2010

Send in your questions!

We are starting a new segment on KOIN STUDIO 6.

If you have sex or relationship questions you can send them in and I will answer them on the show on the last Wednesday of the month. You can send your questions to studio6@koin.com or julie@portlandsextherapy.com.

Tune in to Studio 6 tomorrow at 4pm to see this month’s questions.  If you don’t live in Portland, you can find the video posted on my Facebook Site after they air.

Filed under: Relationship, Sexuality — admin @ 4:28 am

July 20, 2010

Recovering from a break-up part 2.

I recently wrote about recovering from a break up and moving on with your life.  I received a lot of feedback from people who are dealing with a break up and hurting.  I think the response was so great because as different as we all are, many of us know what it’s like to love and to have lost that love.  In addition to loss, there is another element for people who are recovering from a break up after their partner cheated or deceived them.

If you’ve been cheated on or deceived you still need to grieve and mourn and ask for support.  In addition to the grief, there may be more hurt and anger to process.  You don’t want to ignore your anger. Find a healthy way to work through it.  Talk about it, write about it, or find a physical way to express it, like running or playing a sport.

In addition to expressing your anger, you may need to forgive yourself.  That might sound strange.  Forgive myself for being deceived???  Yes!  Often when someone has been lied to or cheated on, they blame themselves.  “If I was a better partner he wouldn’t have left” or “if I was smarter I wouldn’t have dated him.”  Let go of the “what ifs” and be gentle with yourself.

If you are feeling some anger, here is an exercise that might help.  Write a letter to your ex.  Say all of the things that are hurting you.  Tell him how pissed you are.  Get it all out there, but don’t send it.  Burn it, bury it, do whatever feels meaningful to you and then let go of that anger so you can move on.

Filed under: Dating, Self-care, Video — admin @ 5:14 am

July 14, 2010

Ask for what you want in the bedroom.

Is there something you want that you aren’t getting or experiencing sexually?  Is it hard to ask for what you want?

You can start by just checking in with your partner about sex.  Have a conversation that starts with “I loved it when you ______ last night.”  or “The other night was really sexy, what did you think of it?”  And then ask your partner if there is anything he wants to try.  Then share if there is something you would like.  Have a conversation about your desires.

If you are asking for something that might be tender for your partner (more foreplay, longer lasting intercourse) start with a compliment.  “I love making love with you AND I think it would be really sexy if we could have more foreplay.”

If the idea of having a whole conversation about sex feels too hard or embarrassing for you, then practice asking for something else.  Ask for something small.  Ask for a kiss or a hug or a foot massage.  And then when that becomes easier, you can add sexual desires to the conversation.

We talked about this topic on Studio6.

On the video I talk about creating a fantasy box with your partner.  You can each write a few sexual things you would like to try and put them in a box.  Then when you are ready to be intimate, take turns pulling them out of the box and make your fantasies come true!

Filed under: Intimacy, Relationship, Sexuality — admin @ 4:11 am

July 1, 2010

Life after a break up. How to recover and move on with your life.

1137903156-3714People often wonder, how long should it take to get over a break up?  If only I knew the magic number I could get through it and get on with my life.

There are a few things that can impact the length of time it takes for you to move on:

The length of the relationship
The depth of the relationship
How much you typically get attached to people (do you get really connected to people?  If so, you might need a little more time.)

There is not a certain amount of time that it “should” take, but there are things you can do to make it easier.

Let yourself mourn.  It is a loss and you might be sad or angry or hurt, let yourself feel these emotions.  Let yourself be comforted by friendsAsk for what you need. Focus on yourselfDo things you used to love but didn’t have time for in your relationship.  It’s a great time to start a new hobby or join a group.

As you mourn, don’t get caught up in the fantasy of what your relationship could have been.  So often when people are mourning a relationship they are mourning things that weren’t there.  For example, “I will miss the vacations we were going to take.”

After you’ve mourned and taken care of yourself then it’s time to look at your last relationship.  Be objective.  What worked, what didn’t?  Once you’ve looked at your past relationship, you then get to look forward.  What do you want to be different in the future?  Who do you want to be in relationship with and Who Do YOU want to be in that relationship?

Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time.  And when you are ready make a list of what you want in your next relationship or partner.   This step is important because you don’t want to repeat patterns or past mistakes.  What do you want in your next relationship, your next partner?  Put it on paper.  When you can look ahead, it’s a good sign that you are ready to move on…

Filed under: Dating, Self-care — admin @ 7:07 pm