Archive: February, 2012

February 29, 2012

Giving Yourself Pleasure

Give Yourself Pleasure

This weekend I went out to dinner with a group of girlfriends.  We laughed, we caught up and we all gushed, “We HAVE to do this more often!”  In fact, we always say that. Between work and partners and kids and crazy schedules…inevitably months go by before we can all get together again.

  • When was the last time you had a massage?
  • or buried your toes in warm sand on a beach?
  • or went on vacation?
  • or indulged in one of your favorites (food, music, activity, etc)?
  • or went dancing?

When was the last time you gave yourself pleasure?

So often I hear from couples where one or both of them don’t think about sex, but when they have it they say, “That was great!  Why don’t we do this more often?”

How many things do you love…yet don’t often do?

What gets in the way?

  • Time?
  • Money?
  • Prioritizing?
  • Fatigue?
  • Guilt?

If you aren’t sure about the role of pleasure in your life, try the following exercise.

Make a list of 20 things that give you pleasure. If you are struggling with the word pleasure, write down 20 things you like to do.  Once you have your list, next to each item, write down the last time you did it.

For example –

  • 1 Watch the sunset – 3 months ago
  • 2 Go out with friends – 1 week ago
  • 3 Get a massage – 1 month ago
  • 4 Go on an overnight with my partner – last summer

Give yourself the gift of pleasure!  If you need a little inspiration, look at your list and start making your pleasure a priority.

Filed under: Pleasure,Self-care — admin @ 9:13 pm

February 17, 2012

What Do You Call “It”?

What do you call your genitals?

Maybe you have a cute or fun pet name.


Perhaps you prefer to be clinical or use actual names of your anatomy.



Maybe you use the same name you did as a child.

“Your privates”


Perhaps you use something that feels spiritual.


Maybe you like slang.



Perhaps you use a term that makes you feel sexy.

Maybe you don’t use any words at.

“Down There”

Perhaps you use words that other people have used…words that make you feel dirty or yucky…but maybe you don’t like that part of your body much so you think that’s OK.

What's in a name - Rose

“What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” William Shakespeare.

What you call your genitals is important. The words you use are important.  They reflects how you feel about your body.  How you feel about yourself.

If you are embarrassed to call your genitals anything, are you embarrassed about your body? If you refer to your body as “junk,” what does that say about your relationship with your body? I don’t care what you call “it” just as long as it is something that makes you feel good about your body.  Something that makes you feel empowered.  Something that makes you feel sexy or beautiful.  Something that makes you feel YOU.  Your genitals are a part of you, what would it take for you to love ALL of you?

Filed under: Body-Image,Sexual Being,Sexuality,Shame — admin @ 7:09 pm

February 14, 2012

Make Your Own Meaning

LoveI’m hearing a lot of complaints about Valentine’s Day being “commercial” or a “Hallmark Holiday.”  I’m also seeing people who feel pressured to give just the right gift or say just the right thing.  Valentine’s Day can also remind people they are single and want to be partnered, or it can cause some partnered people to feel disappointment when the reality of their Valentine’s Day doesn’t measure up to the fantasy they see on TV or in the movies.

There is no “one way” to do Valentine’s Day.  The same goes for any other holiday or celebration.  You don’t have to spoil your partner today (unless you want to).  You don’t have to go all out for Christmas (unless that is important to you).  You don’t have to do a fancy dinner or night away for your anniversary (unless that is how you want to celebrate it).  You don’t have to go in the opposite direction and pretend that special occasions mean nothing to you (unless that is your truth).

Make your own meaning for holidays or special occasions.  Create rituals.  Discover your own special occasions.  Follow your heart.  Stop comparing yourself to others and do what feels best for you and your relationship.

Filed under: Holidays,Relationship — admin @ 2:34 pm

February 9, 2012

Finding Ease this Valentine’s Day

Valentine CoupleAre you are dreading finding the right way to show you care this Valentine’s Day?

Worried that the same old flowers or chocolates or dinner just won’t cut it, again?

Think February 14th has to be the most perfect, expensive, meaningful (stressful) event of the year?  Think again!

Here are some simple ways to show your mate you care, without breaking a sweat (or the bank).

  • Tell her how you feel. Instead of a cheesy card, or a love song that doesn’t quite sum up your feelings, share how YOU feel.  Make your own card, write a love letter or poem, make a video, draw a picture or just look in her eyes and really share how important your relationship is and how much you cherish her.
  • Make a meal together. Can’t afford a fancy night out on the town?  It can be very romantic to cook together (or to pamper your partner and just cook a meal for her).  Just because you are eating at home doesn’t mean you can’t class up the the joint.  Turn off the TV, set the table, light some candles, put on something that makes you feel attractive and make a meal that means something to you both (something to remind you of your travels together or your first meal together).
  • Seduce your partner. Let your sexual encounter focus on her needs and pleasing her.  If she has a hard time receiving, assure her that tonight is all about her.  You may ask her if she would like to be blindfolded so she can lay back and focus on her pleasure.
  • Ask your mate what she wants or how she wants to celebrate. Worried that your surprise might fall flat?  It’s OK to check in with your partner about your Valentine’s Day expectations.

When planning Valentine’s Day, take some attention off of the “product” and think about your intention.  How do you want your lover to feel?  What will let her know she is special?  Also, if you are letting your mate know how much you care the other 364 days of the year, proving your love on Valentine’s Day becomes a lot less important.

Filed under: Holidays,Relationship,Romance — admin @ 7:50 pm

February 4, 2012

Perfection or Bust!

Are you killing yourself trying to be the perfect parent, partner, sibling, daughter, worker, crafter, friend, or lover?

Is your perfectionism serving you?

Perhaps it is inspiring you to aim high…and maybe it’s just causing you to pull out your hair (or feel like a loser when you don’t reach your goals).

My January Newsletter is about “All or Nothing” thinking.

It’s OK to slow down, to be flexible, to take small sustainable steps toward a goal.  Try to find a balance in your behavior.  Rest and work, study and play, indulgence and moderation – where is the balance?  Being perfect is an extreme – “All or Nothing” is extreme – and extreme behavior is hard to maintain

If you are ready to let go of your perfectionism, your grand gestures, or your all or nothing thinking – these posts may appeal to you.

Self-judgment doesn’t serve you!

Lower Your Bar

Stop Comparing and Start Living!

Small Ways to Say, “I love you.”

Filed under: Change,Newsletter — admin @ 6:16 pm

February 2, 2012

Letting Go of Sexual Shame

Tonight I hosted a workshop about sex and shame.  I am always amazed by and grateful for the way these workshops unfold.   Shame can be a powerful force in people’s lives and when you add it to the sexual realm (something people rarely talk about it) it can feel paralyzing.

When people feel shame, they often hide it.  It’s embarrassing, it’s awful, it makes us “bad” – so we keep it secret.  Here’s the thing about shame though…the deeper you bury it, the bigger it gets!  Shame is like the monster under your bed.  The more you think about it, the darker it is in your room, the bigger and scarier the monster gets.  But when you turn on the light and look under your bed, you can see there isn’t a monster.  When we look at our shame…address it…talk about it – it lessens.  Acknowledging your shame, naming your shame – that’s how you can get rid of it.  I know it can seem scary, so start small.  Write about your shame, talk to someone you trust (a friend, partner or therapist) or find a group.  One of the best ways to eliminate shame is to learn that you are not alone.

Your shame doesn’t serve you.  It doesn’t make you braver, stronger, cooler, or better.  Your shame is holding you back.  It’s time to release your shame and embrace your life!

Filed under: Sexuality,Shame — admin @ 9:31 pm