Archive: March, 2012

March 23, 2012

You can be Sexual without having Sex

In my February newsletter I wrote about times that Sex Isn’t Sexy. In life there are times that other things trump sex.  There are times that sex feels frustrating, unsatisfying and impossible.  There are also times that you might not be physically or emotionally able to have sex.  You may choose not to be sexual at all.  You also have the option of being sexual without having sex.

Here are some ways you might be sexual without having sex.

  • Practice Sensuality
  • Take a sensual bath or shower together.
  • Have a sensual picnic.
  • Make out
  • Fool around with your clothes on
  • Give each other sexy massages
  • Enjoy some mutual masturbation
  • Please each other orally
  • Talk about sex

Talking about sex IS sexual intimacy.  If you are having difficulty with sex you might avoid talking about it.  You might feel shame or guilt or embarrassment.  Talking can ease those feelings.  Talking can also help you come up with options for being sexual in a way that feels good to both of you.

My March newsletter – Relationships Take Work – hits in-boxes in a couple days.  Subscribe here and it will be delivered directly to you.

Filed under: Intimacy,Newsletter,Sensuality,Sexuality — admin @ 9:55 pm

March 22, 2012

How do you want to be remembered?

I contributed to an article in the April edition of Woman’s Day.  The article, “Declutter Your Life” offers tips on eliminating stress and focusing on goals.

Imagine Your Death

The tip I offered is to think about the end of your life.  How do you want to be remembered? What will people say about you when you are gone?  Will they focus on what you did or on what you wished you had done?

It can also be helpful to think about how you will feel at the end of your life. Will you be at peace with your choices?  Will you be full of regret?  What can you do NOW to impact how you will feel?

Here is an article that can help point you in the direction of some areas you might focus on.  The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying is written by a woman who cared for people at the end of their lives.  It’s pretty powerful stuff.

Looking toward the end of your life can also be a helpful exercise when you are making decisions.  If you are trying to decide whether you should spend money to go to school, travel or move – think about how you will feel about your decision at the end of your life.  Ask yourself, “In the end, will this matter?” “Which outcome will bring me more peace, joy or contentment in the end?”  “At the end of your life, will you regret your decision?

Looking toward the end, can help you guide your present.

Filed under: Change,Live Your Best Life — admin @ 1:36 pm

March 16, 2012

Spice Up Your Sex Life – Workshop for Women

Spice up your sex

I’ve been asked a few questions about my “Spice Up Your Sex Life” Workshop.  Mostly people are wondering what I mean by “Spice Up.”  There have been a few worried questions about whether I’m referring to being wild or incorporating whips and chains.  While those tools can certainly spice things up…I’m referring to creating variety and keeping things interesting.  There are a lot of ways to do just that.  And in this 2-hour workshop I will be sharing things can you can try with a partner

In this workshop we will talk about sensuality, seduction, foreplay, desire, sex, intimacy and variety.  I’ll be packing the 2 hours with all sorts of ideas, possibilities and things for you to think about.  As with my other workshops, I will  be providing information and there will be time for journaling and sharing (at your comfort level) in a group setting. These workshops are also a wonderful opportunity for you to learn tips from each other (it’s amazing that what is considered your “standard way for having sex” could actually be new and exciting for someone else).

Something wonderful happens whenever I’ve had a group of women talking about intimacy, relationships and sexuality in my office.  I can’t wait to see what we all learn from each other!

Filed under: Groups,Sexual Being,Sexuality — admin @ 9:04 am

March 15, 2012

Are You Overlooking Your Greatness?


Is it easier to point out your flaws, rather than your assets?  Do you find yourself focusing on your fumbles, mistakes or difficulties – instead of your triumphs?

Are you overlooking your beauty?

If I asked you want you love about your body or what you want to change about your body, which could you answer more quickly?  Which could you share with a group of strangers?

Are you minimizing your worth?

Maybe you can name your strengths, but you are quick to dismiss them.  ‘It’s not a big deal, It’s only a small ______ , It’s just a local business.’

Are you keeping yourself small?

How does staying small serve you?  Is it safe?  Are you worried about getting “too big for your britches” or coming off as egotistical?  Maybe you are worried being big will make others feels small.

Are you waiting to celebrate until you reach your BIG goal?

If you want to lose 20 pounds, how do you feel when you are down 10 pounds?  Maybe you quit smoking last week, can you feel good about that?  Will you ONLY feel good when you reach a year without smoking or 10 smoke-free years?

Goals are fantastic.  They help give us directions.  However, if you are only looking at the prize ahead you may miss how far you have come already (look ahead and also pay attention to where you started).

Knowing your edges or the areas you want to grow, can really serve you.  It’s important to be able to see your weaknesses and your strengths, your struggles AND your accomplishments.

Don’t overlook your greatness!

Don’t overlook your partner’s greatness either. Acknowledge small changes (even if you are hoping for bigger ones eventually).  Remember your partner’s beauty or worth.  Help your partner embrace his or her bigness rather than keeping them small.

Filed under: Self-care,Self-love — admin @ 1:23 pm

March 12, 2012

When it comes to sex, what’s better – Quantity or Quality?

People often ask me how much sex is normal. They want to know what is normal or regular or typical.  How often do normal couples make love?
I’m less interested in quantity and more interested in quality.

Are you having connecting sex?  Is your sexual experience satisfying and pleasurable?  Do you look forward to sexual intimacy?

You can have sex 3 times a week but if it doesn’t feel good, is it worth it?

I can understand people wanting to have more sex because it feels good or it helps them feel closer to their partner.  I also think sex can be similar to exercise (the more often you do it the more you want to).  However, I do think that if we ONLY focus on quantity, we are missing out on a HUGE part of sex.

By encouraging QUALITY when having sex…you may actually increase the QUANTITY.

Filed under: Intimacy,Sexuality — admin @ 8:25 pm

March 7, 2012

Don’t Save Your Sex for Bedtime

Sex or Sleep

Sex right before slumber isn’t always the best policy.

Often, when I hear from couples that are having difficulty finding time for sex, it is because they are waiting until bedtime.

There are all sorts of things that can get in the way of sex at bedtime.

  • Being too tired
  • Having a partner who is on a different sleep schedule
  • Being full after dinner or an evening snack
  • Having a busy day that pushes bedtime back later and later
  • Worrying about getting a good night’s sleep (if you are counting on getting a certain number of hours of sleep, you may rush your sexual encounter)

Here are some alternatives to having sex at the end of your day.

  • Wake up a little early and have sex in the morning.
  • Have sex when you get home from work (before you are full or too sleepy).
  • Find time during the day – on the weekend or when you have mutual time off.
  • If you are going to have sex at night, make sure you go up to bed early enough to have time to enjoy it.

Sex at night isn’t “bad.”  If it works for you, that’s great!  If you find that other things keep getting in the way, you may want to carve out some other time for intimacy.

Filed under: Relationship,Sexuality — admin @ 10:04 am