Archive: April, 2012

April 25, 2012

Embrace Your Sexual Dichotomies!

I made these cupcakes for the last day of my Women's Sexuality Group

I made these cupcakes for the last day of my Women's Sexuality Group

Who are you sexually?  It is not a question that deserves a yes or no answer.  It’s not even a question most people can answer with one word (or even a few words).  Yet so often I hear from people that think if they don’t match a certain idea of what “sexuality” is – they are not sexual at all.

Who you are sexually is not one-size-fits-all.  It is deeply personal. Just like who you are as a partner, a partner, a sibling, a friend, a worker, etc.  Who you are sexually may be complex.  It may even be full of dichotomies.  You might be courageous in the bedroom and you may also be submissive.  Just like emotions, BOTH things can be true for your sexually.  You get to create your own definition of who you are sexually.  Last year I conducted a sexuality survey for women.  I asked if they know who they are sexually (57% of the respondents answered yes).  I also asked if I could share who they are sexually in my book or on my blog (I have only included responses for which I received permission).  Here are a few of the varied responses.

  • I love sex.  I am open, but sometimes lazy, sometimes disappointed and opening up to my partner more all the time about what I like or want.  I ask him questions about his preferences as well. I have noticed that I need to feel emotionally connected to him for the sex to be good; otherwise, we’re just going through the motions.  For me, sex is much more than just a physical connection.  That is important, but as I’ve grown older, I’ve come to understand who I am as a sexual being and I accept that my sexuality is a big part of being a healthy woman.
  • Sensual but not dirty.  Adventurous but not creative. Pretty standard.  Enjoy the connection of two people.
  • I am a playful, sensual, sexual womanly woman who likes to touch and stare and lick and bite and moan.  I like to wear my hair long and show a little cleavage.  I like to run to the front door when my husband comes home and I like to throw my arms around him and give him a million kisses.  I don’t rely on anyone else for my only sexual pleasure.  I love tastes and smells both clean and musky.  I love to caress and be caressed and I love ravish and to be ravished.  I don’t judge.  I feel anything goes as long as both/all parties are up for it.
  • Blossoming but also blocked…wild in fantasy and influenced by media fantasies…shy…asking for permission…
  • I am a strong independent woman, who, in the bedroom, likes to be submissive and dominated.
  • I am a woman who loves sex. I had an amazing time sewing my oats when I was single, and I am happily married now. I have an adventurous spirit and am blessed with an amazing lover and partner. I just wish I had more time for it! I hate that sex is on the back burner for me. It used to be such a priority and now I feel like I don’t put enough focus on it. Our schedules are opposite so it’s not always possible.  My personal life is awesome and it feels good to have that part of my life settled. However, my career path is unfulfilled and I spend so much time focusing on that. I wish I put half that energy into my lovemaking. I love having sex and I feel so good physically and mentally when I do.
  • I’m passionate, sexy, erotic, flirtatious, romantic, and sensual. More than the sex act itself, I enjoy the seduction that comes before it because my erogenous zone is my mind. I love to have fun in bed and give my all to my partners. Although I have a traditional side and would like to settle down in a committed, monogamous relationship with the right man, I have a creative and vivid imagination. I would like to explore all kinds of “alternative” fantasies. I feel confident that I’m the best lover I know.

All of these women are sexual.  Who you are sexually is OK.  It’s more than OK, it’s as it should be. I will be writing more about this topic since I just finished my first 10-week “You Don’t Have to be a Sexy Tiger” group and I’ve received all sorts of wonderful information.  I am so excited about this topic and the book it is fueling.  My wish is that we can all know who we are sexually.  More than that, I hope that we can all accept who we are sexually and also work on shifting or growing sexually if that is important to you.  I’m sharing more of the responses to the survey in my April newsletter.  You can subscribe here.

Don’t Ignore your sexuality. Stop judging who you are (or who you think you should be).  Embrace Your Sexual Dichotomies – It’s OK to be complex (or simple…or both!)

Filed under: Sexual Being, Sexuality, Sexy Tiger — admin @ 12:59 pm

April 19, 2012

How Much Work Should You Put into Your Relationship?

My March Newsletter was about relationships taking work.  Sometimes relationships are hard.  They take energy.  They can be tiring.  In the newsletter I list all sorts of ideas on ways you can put energy and love into your relationship.  Relationships are not self-sustaining, you need to cultivate them in order for them to thrive and grow.  It can be tricky to know how much work is “normal” or “healthy.”  How do you know if you are putting work into a relationship that just isn’t working?

Here are some questions to ask yourself –

  • Am I the only one putting in any effort?
  • How do I feel about myself in this relationship?
  • What would I tell a friend or loved one in this situation?
  • How often am I enjoying myself in this relationship?
  • How loved do I feel in this relationship?
  • How do my family or friends feel about my relationship?

(Please note that I am not referring to situations where abuse is involved.  If that is your situation, please get the professional help and support you need to make sure you are safe.)

Whether or not you decide to stay in a relationship is up to you.  You are the only one who can know what is truly best for you.  Know that relationships do take work, but they also don’t take so much work that you are miserable.  Find a balance (and a relationship) that works for you.

Filed under: Newsletter, Relationship — admin @ 3:23 pm

April 13, 2012

Treat Yourself Like a Precious Gift

self-love

Are you constantly taking care of others?

Do you worry that self-care or self-love is selfish?

Are you overlooking your own needs or desires?

I am shocked by how many people around me are spending all of their energy caring for others, yet are neglecting themselves.  I’m also surprised by how many people tell me that if they do put some energy toward themselves, they worry that will become selfish or uncaring.  It doesn’t work that way. I’ve never seen someone go from being selfless to selfish overnight.  I’ve not seen someone neglect herself, put a little energy toward herself and then become self-absorbed.

Who benefits when you ignore your well-being?

NO ONE!!!

If you really want to be available to share your love with others, you have to start with yourself.  Have you ever tried to take care of someone when you are depleted?  You become resentful or angry!  When you feel loved and attended to, you have more energy (for yourself and others).

You can practice self-love or self-care and still care for others (this is not an either / or equation).

Neglecting yourself doesn’t make you a “better person” – it just makes you a neglected one.

I would love to see you putting more energy toward yourself.  Fill your well up first and then let it spill over onto others.  Treat yourself the way you treat your loved ones, your children.  Treat yourself like a precious gift!  (because you are one!)

Filed under: Self-care, Self-love — admin @ 1:30 pm

April 5, 2012

Setting the Mood for Lovemaking

mood for love-making

What do you do to set the mood before sex? Do you look at your partner and ask if she wants to go upstairs?  Do you brush your teeth?  Trim your nails?  Maybe shave or shower?

I’ve written about seduction before and what can lead up to “the big event.”  I’m also wondering what you do to get your space (or yourself) ready.

I’m hearing from more and more women who have a hard time separating sexy time from the other aspects of their lives.  I’m told they are haunted by piles of laundry, grocery lists, squabbling children or barking dogs.  They’ve shared they need something that makes sexual connection seem different from the rest of their lives.  They want something special.

Here are some easy ways to set the mood for lovemaking.

  • Pay attention to lighting -  light some candles, dim the lights, do something different than your everyday norm
  • Pick out some music - Do you want something soothing? classical? sexy? loud?  Find music that will compliment your sexual encounter.
  • Get rid of distractions - Is the bedroom messy?  If so, will your partner be able to relax?  Is dinner in the oven?  Maybe you have to pick up your kids in 20 minutes.  Make sure you have time to enjoy yourself and there aren’t other things vying for your (or your partner’s) attention.
  • Make sure the room is comfortable – If the room is freezing, will you be comfortable getting naked?  Do you have the privacy you need in order to enjoy yourself?
  • Pay attention to personal hygiene – Stinky breath (or body odor), prickly facial hair and sharp fingernails (that can scratch or poke delicate body parts) can get in the way of sexual connection.

You don’t have to make a big production out of it, although you absolutely can.  There is always room for romance, seduction or sensuality.  Sometimes you don’t have time (or energy) to “go all out.”  The things I listed above only take a couple moments and can help make your sexual experience more enjoyable.  Try setting the mood the next time you initiate sex.

Filed under: Intimacy, Relationship, Sexuality — admin @ 7:55 pm