Archive: September, 2012

September 27, 2012

Surrender Verses Control

surrender

My July newsletter was about surrendering. I feel like I’ve had a lot of experience with this theme in the past year. When my dad was diagnosed with cancer I quickly learned there isn’t much I can do other than love him and support him in any way I can. When my little breech baby wouldn’t turn, my dream of a hypnobirthing birth quickly changed to a cesarean. I say quickly, but I fought the “surrender” on this one trying anything I could to get her to turn.

And almost 8 weeks after her birth I’m flying to the Midwest for a family wedding. Surrender again comes to mind. Don’t get me wrong, i am prepared…but I also need to just show up and see what happens. Surrender isn’t giving up…but there is a letting go.

Letting go of strong expectations.

Letting go of control.

As I’m flying today, I’m trusting things will go well, but also remembering this is just 6 hours of my life if it’s hard. If I didn’t surrender I might have a strong idea of how things should go…and if they didn’t go that way I might be really upset. Surrendering brings some peace.

Is there something you are trying to force in your life? Are you trying to control a relationship or force someone else’s behavior? What would happen if you loosened your grasp a bit? It can feel scary to let go and accept and trust. As someone who is in the other side, I can tell you it feels much better than trying to control the incontrollable.

PS – We made it through our day of travel!  It went much better than I could ever imagine.  Hooray for surrender!

Filed under: Change, Newsletter — admin @ 7:39 am

September 19, 2012

Be Your Own Best Lover

self love card

In my August newsletter, I wrote about the idea that someone else should be able to show you what feels good sexually.  Some people have a fantasy that someone will come along and “fix” any sexual difficulty they might have.  They wish someone could teach them how to have an orgasm.  They hope this magical person could help them maintain they erection.  They are waiting for the “right” person to unlock their pleasure, passion or desire.

While it’s certainly possible (and quite pleasurable) to find an intuitive lover (someone who can read your body) – it’s not the best way to learn what is most pleasurable.  The best way to learn what works for you and your body is find out for yourself.  Take some time to get to know your body.  Experiment with touch.  You can do this on your own or with a partner (if you are with your partner make sure you are in the driver’s seat).

Set the mood

  • Make sure the room is warm enough and the lighting feels good to you.
  • You may want to take a shower or bath first.
  • You might like a glass of wine to help you relax.
  • Look at yourself in a mirror – your whole body – objectively.  Don’t dwell on the things you hate, really see yourself.  If you are with your partner, let yourself be seen as well (this can feel very vulnerable or intense).
  • Get to know your body.  Take some lotion or oil and rub it over your body.  Again don’t focus on (or avoid) the places you hate.  Pay attention to your whole body.  Experiment with touch and pressure.  Make a note of what feels good.  If you do this with a partner, take turns giving and receiving and share feedback about what feels good.

The first time you do the above exercise don’t try to “get off”, focus on getting to know your body – truly knowing it.  With time you can turn up the heat on the exercise and try to turn yourself on and experience pleasure.

Being your own best lover doesn’t just apply in the bedroom.

  • Treat yourself with loving care.
  • Take yourself on a date.
  • Speak kindly to (and about) yourself.
  • See yourself through compassionate eyes.
  • Be gentle with yourself.

Be your own best friend and your own best lover!

Need a little help figuring out how to be your own best lover in the bedroom?  Check out my online class - “You Don’t Have to be a Sexy Tiger: Discover YOUR Sexual Self!”

Filed under: Newsletter, Pleasure, Self-love, Sexual Being, Sexuality — admin @ 7:52 pm

September 15, 2012

Learning Your Partner’s Love Language

Do you feel loved and appreciated in your relationship?

How do you show your partner love?

It’s not uncommon for people to express love differently.

For example – Eddie might feel loved when Susan plans a date night or an overnight get-away.  Susan might feel loved when Eddie compliments her or tells her how much she means to him.  At times they might feel like they aren’t loved or it might feel like they are disconnected.  Knowing how you feel love and how your partner experiences (and expresses) love can really help you both feel satisfied.

Watch this video from one of my appearances on Studio6 to learn more about the different languages of love.  (I even explain a fun exercise that you can do at home to help you and your partner feel loved and appreciated).

Filed under: Communication, Love, Relationship, Video — admin @ 4:22 pm

September 8, 2012

What if I am just not into sex?

uninterested in sex

Are some people just not sexual at all?

Sure.

However, what I typically see in my practice is -

  • someone who doesn’t know what they like sexually so they say they aren’t sexual.
  • someone who doesn’t know how to ask for what they want sexually so it’s just easier to settle for mediocre sex.
  • someone who isn’t satisfied with sex or doesn’t feel connected with their partner (or their own body) so they avoid sex.

Does any of the above sound familiar?

It’s hard to feel sexual if you don’t know what you like.

It’s hard to feel sexual if you aren’t comfortable in your own body.

It’s hard to feel sexual if you don’t know how to ask for things that will make you feel good.

It’s hard to feel sexual if you are pining for how things used to be (missing the honeymoon stage or missing a past lover or missing your desire).

If  you’ve been telling yourself (or your partner) that you just aren’t that into sex, take a moment and ask yourself if that is really true.

If you find that it’s just an excuse you’ve been using because you don’t know how to “get into” sex then check out my “You Don’t Have to be a Sexy Tiger” class.  It’s time for you to focus on yourself and discover what you really like so that you can feel sexual.

Filed under: Desire, Relationship, Sexual Being, Sexuality, Sexy Tiger — admin @ 10:31 am

September 6, 2012

Sexuality as a Moving Target

sexuality target

Do you feel like you used to know who you were sexually but that’s changed?

Maybe you used to feel desire and now it’s gone…

Perhaps something used to feel good to you and now it no longer gets you going…

Are you trying to get back lost desire or trying to get back into a certain size of clothing or trying to reclaim who you were?

Sexuality ebbs and flows.

Who you are sexually changes over time just as who you are in general changes.

Here are some things that might impact who you are sexually (or your sex drive or your desire).

  • Aging
  • Illness or Injury
  • Ending a Relationship
  • A New Relationship
  • Pregnancy
  • Having Children
  • Relationship Difficulties
  • Stress
  • Losing or Gaining Weight
  • Depression or Anxiety
  • Grief – loss of a loved one
  • And more…

There are so many things that can impact how you feel sexually or who you are sexually.

If you are trying to “get back to who you were sexually” you might be disappointed.  (just like if you are in your 40s and trying to reclaim your high school years).

Start with where you are in your life now and try to discover who you are sexually currently.  Live in the present.  Embrace the changes rather than trying to reclaim something from the past.

If things have changed for you and you no longer know who you are sexually, my “You Don’t Have to be a Sexy Tiger” class can help!

Filed under: Body-Image, Change, Intimacy, Sexual Being, Sexuality, Sexy Tiger — admin @ 3:12 pm

September 4, 2012

Sexy Tiger – Online Class

  • Are you tired of trying to fit someone else’s idea of sexy?
  • Or worse, feeling like you aren’t sexy at all because you don’t match up with what sexy is supposed to look like?
  • Maybe you don’t act the way a “sexual person” is supposed to act.

If you are like me, you are probably tired of other people defining what sexy is supposed to be.

  • I’m tired of magazine covers telling me how to be a sexy tiger.
  • I’m tired of advertisers showing me products that are supposed to make me sexy.
  • I’m tired of this cookie cutter image of what sexy is supposed to look like.

And more than that, I don’t buy it anymore!  I’ve seen too many women try to embody this idea of sexy and then feel worse about themselves.

It’s time for a new model for sexy.  It’s time that we looked inside of ourselves to determine what sexy is rather than looking outside to other people.  Sound awesome?  Or does it sound intimidating because you don’t know where to start?

I’ve been helping women learn more about their sexuality for years.  And most recently I’ve created a 10-week program to help women discover their sexual selves.  It all started with an idea for a book about women’s sexuality.  Then I created a survey where I found out that most women don’t know how they are sexually.  Then I went to Paris for 5 weeks and wrote about sex and love and body image and passion.  At the beginning of 2012 I held my very first “You Don’t Have to be a Sexy Tiger” group and it was amazing!  I watched women make connections and discoveries and uncover who they are.  I watched them shift and grow and embrace their unique sexual selves.  And now I want to offer the same 10 week program to All Women!  You don’t have to live in Portland to come to one of my workshops.  You don’t have to commit to trekking to my office for a weekly group.  You don’t have to sit in a room with other women and share intimate details.  You can discover your sexual self from your own home!

Sound good?

Go here for more details and to sign up.

no sexy tiger

Not sure if this class is for you?

  • If you don’t know what you like sexually – this class is for you.
  • If you don’t feel like a sexual being – this class is for you.
  • If you want to learn more about yourself – this class is for you.
  • If you want to become more comfortable with sex, your body, yourself – this class is for you.
  • If you want more confidence about your body or your sexuality or your sexiness – this class is for you.
  • If you want more pleasure in your life – this class is for you.
  • If you want to let go of shame – this class is for you.
  • If you want to learn more about desire – this class is for you.
  • If you used to feel sexual and a life event changed that ( aging, losing or gaining weight, injury, loss of a loved one, new relationship, pregnancy, childbirth, etc) – this class is for you.

Knowing who you are sexually will help you feel better in your body, be more confident in your relationship and fully empowered in your life! It is so worth it to invest in your sexual health!

Filed under: Body-Image, Groups, Intimacy, Pleasure, Self-love, Sexual Being, Sexy Tiger — admin @ 9:03 pm