Archive: November, 2012

November 30, 2012

A Month of Giving

month of giving

How can you give to your partner or lover this holiday season?

How can you let him/her know he/she is important all month long?

Every day during the month of December I will post one way/thing to give to your partner.  I’m going to focus on small (hopefully easy) ways you can give…and I might throw in a few bigger ways for good measure.   You can find these tips on my twitter or facebook page.  The holidays can be so busy, it can feel hard to find time or be creative.  Let me help you remove the obstacles and give you easy ways to focus on your partner and relationship.

Filed under: Holidays, Love, Marriage, Relationship — admin @ 8:00 am

November 27, 2012

The Strength in Vulnerability

vulnerable

  • What does it mean to be vulnerable?
  • How does it feel to be truly intimate with another person?
  • What’s scary about letting your true self be seen?

I could give you a big long speech about the importance of intimacy, the courage it takes to let yourself be seen and the strength in vulnerability…but Brené Brown explains vulnerability so much better than I ever could in her TED Talk below.

For many people vulnerability feels like weakness. I see this in my office with couples all the time.  The fear is that if I let my guard down, let go of resentment, or get soft I will become weak and my partner will have all the power.  The truth is, as you become vulnerable your partner will meet you there. I always see couples move closer to each other as they allow themselves to be seen.  Sometimes people keep things hidden (resentments, fears, disappointments) because they worry that sharing them will create distance.  The reality is that keeping these parts of yourself hidden create distance, it creates a barrier.  Keeping yourself reserved….maintaining barriers…holding on to anger – none of that gives you strength.  True strength comes from vulnerabilityTrue strength comes from showing up and letting yourself be seenTrue strength comes from taking a risk and being intimate with another person.

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” Brené Brown

Filed under: Intimacy, Relationship, Vulnerability — admin @ 11:20 am

November 21, 2012

Fifty Shades of Sexy

Have y’all heard of a little book called, Fifty Shades of Grey?

I’m not here to debate whether the book is good or bad, healthy or dangerous, juicy or poorly written.  Here is what I love about the book…it’s opened people up to erotica, fantasy, pleasure and talking about sex.

From my clients to different mommy groups – people are talking about this book and people are talking about sex.

I’m also hearing from a lot of women who say they are feeling more desire while reading the book.  Maybe not feeling more desire, but actively noticing their desire.  Sometimes life is so full or so busy that people don’t notice when they are feeling things.  Some people have a hard time making room for sex or actively thinking about sex.  I often talk with women about getting sex on their radar.

Reading or listening to erotica can help you get sex on your radar.  Long before people gushed about Christian Grey, they whispered about Anne Rice’s Beauty, The Story of O and even Lady Chatterley’s Lover.  Erotica is like any other sexual tool that can enhance your sexual experience (as long as it doesn’t get in the way of connecting with your real life partner).  You can even use erotica in your relationship by reading to each other in bed or listening to something sexy together.

Find your perfect shade of sexy and use it to create more intimacy and connection with your lover!

Filed under: Pleasure, Sexual Being, Sexuality — admin @ 1:41 pm

November 17, 2012

Relationship Problems? Marriage or a Baby Won’t Fix Them!

marriage

  • Are you feeling a little stagnant in your relationship?
  • Have you been fighting and wondering what will make things better?
  • Are you bored and wanting to kick start some excitement?
  • Are you hoping taking things to the next level will make your partner commit or make you feel more secure?

Marriage or a Baby won’t make these things better. If you have difficulties in your relationship, marriage or a baby will not make them go away (in fact your problems would probably get bigger).  Marriage or a baby can bring stress into even the most secure and loving relationships.

Marriage is hard…and wonderful…and hard…and wonderful.

Being a parent is hard…and wonderful…and hard…and wonderful.

If you are feeling good about your relationship and feel ready to take things to the “next level,” great!  Intentionally deepening your commitment or intimacy is a wonderful thing. It gets tricky when you use marriage or a baby to try to “save” your relationship.  If things are feeling rocky you might ask yourself if you want to make things better or if it’s time to leave your relationship. My September Newsletter answers the question, “When should you leave your relationship?  You can read it here.  If you are feeling conflict or uncertainty, you might also consider couples counseling.  You can absolutely improve your relationship! There is not a magic solution to make your relationship better.  It takes time, energy, work, effort, patience and love.You can make things better.  It’s just really hard to add something that can be stressful (marriage, a baby, buying a house) to a relationship that is already under stress.

Filed under: Intimacy, Marriage, Newsletter, Relationship — admin @ 6:39 pm

November 5, 2012

Are Politics Causing Tension in Your Relationship?

Can you partner with someone who has different political beliefs?  Is that a deal breaker?

With the election right around the corner, I’m hearing from a lot of people who are eager to see an end to election season and the stress that can come with it.

Having similar views as your mate (on all “hot button” topics) can certainly help keep the peace in your relationship.  But is it essential?

There are certainly Republicans and Democrats who partner.  There are Catholics who marry atheists.  There are partners who have differing views on abortion, gun control, legalizing marijuana, religion, etc.  These differences don’t have to be deal breakers…as long as you can still treat each other with respect.  It’s OK to disagree…notice how you treat your partner and his or her belief.  Can you disagree with the idea and still love your partner?  Watch out for name calling or labeling different beliefs as “stupid, greedy, short-sighted, etc.”

It’s OK to have a difference of opinion, as long as your partner’s opinion doesn’t turn you off completely.  Some people hold their beliefs so strongly that partnering with someone who holds a different belief might feel incongruent.

It’s also important to remember that you probably can’t change your partner’s mind (just like he or she probably can’t change yours).  Arguing about hot button topics, lecturing your partner or trying to “convince” him or her is not likely to work.  In fact, those behaviors usually create more conflict.

Different values or beliefs often come up in our families.  The same rules apply.  Is it more important to “convince your family that you are right” or to treat each other with love and respect?  Tempers can fly around this time of year (and around the upcoming holidays).  Remind yourself that differences don’t have to be dealbreakers.  Be mindful of how you share your ideas and values.  And remember how much you value your loved one who differs from you.

Filed under: Communication, Relationship — admin @ 10:19 pm