Archive: June, 2013

June 30, 2013

What happens when women make more money than men?

According to a recent study, women are the breadwinners in nearly 1 in 4 homes.  This information caused quite a stir as talk shows, online articles and the media all tried to dissect what this means for families (and relationships).  I was interviewed about the topic (and what it’s like to be the breadwinner for my family) for a KGW segment, you can see here.

Some of the research suggests that women earning more, can negatively impact their male partners.  This article describes ways men’s health may suffer if their wives earn more (including stress, anxiety and even erectile dysfunction).  While I have seen some men who aren’t comfortable earning less than their mates (this article reports that men who make significantly less than their partners are more likely to cheat), I think we are underestimating men.  Or maybe underestimating relationships and partnerships.

The world is changing, gender roles are changing, relationships are changing, life is changing.  In the past, men and woman had more clearly defined roles in heterosexual relationships.  Men provided financially or provided security and safety.  Women took care of the home and children (though I think we all know of exceptions to this even from past generations – grandmothers who worked because grandfathers were injured or absent, etc).  Now both partners may work (so then who takes care of the home or the children?  and what about couples who don’t have children?) As the world changes, how can we adapt?

If men used to provide financially, how can they “provide” even if they make less money?  What can they provide?

As women juggle work and children and a partner and a home…how can they also attend to themselves?

What are the roles in your relationship? Do you split household chores?  Do you co-parent?  Do you share financial responsibilities?

If your role has changed, what gives you value in your life?  If you used to be the breadwinner and now you aren’t, how do you still feel important?  What do you contribute?  From where do you get your worth?

There isn’t a “perfect” formula for every relationship or every family.  Relationships are deeply personal and not one-size-fits-all.  So what works best for you?  And if things are working, what are you doing to do to make them work?

Filed under: Marriage, Relationship, Video, Women — admin @ 8:06 pm

June 23, 2013

Sensuality as a bridge to Sexuality

I’ve written about and talked about sensuality being helpful when you are anxious or trying to be more present.  It is a great tool to help us show up and BE in the moment.  Sensuality is one of the key ways to get you out of your head and into your body.

It is also a beautiful bridge to sexuality.

Close up of intimate loving couple lying together in bed kissing


If it’s been a long time since you were sexual, sensuality can be a great starting point.

If sex is a tense subject in your relationship, sensuality can be a great starting point.

If you have some anxiety or stress about sex, sensuality can be a great starting point.

Here are some ways sensuality can help you more easily transition into a sexual encounter.

  • Take turns touching or give each other a massage
  • Share a bath or shower
  • Have a sensual picnic
  • Set the mood in a way that engages your senses
  • Dance with or for each other

You can be sensual without being sexual.  Sensuality can also be a wonderful addition to your sexual experience!

Filed under: Sensuality, Sexuality — admin @ 11:59 am

June 20, 2013

Are you Alone or Lonely?

My daughter loves her alone time.  She enjoys interacting with the people and animals in her life and she hits her saturation point, rubs her little eyes and I take her up to her crib for a nap.  When she gets in her crib she rarely goes right to sleep, she will play and talk and sing and relish her time alone.

It’s a joy to watch her being so comfortable in her own skin.

In today’s world, we are rarely alone.  Even when we are physically alone there are smart phones, tablets, computers and TVs ready to distract us and keep us company.  When was the last time you were alone?

If you are partnered, have children, or live with others; it might be hard to remember a time you were by yourself.

What happens when you are alone? How does it feel?  Do you avoid it or embrace it?  What’s so bad about being alone?  Is it scary?  Are you faced with your thoughts or your feelings or your fears?

Here are some things I like to do when I’m alone –

  • Take a bath
  • Read
  • Write in my journal
  • Sit in nature
  • Go for a walk
  • Listen to music
  • Do Nothing…this can be hard…especially if you are struggling in you life.  Just sitting with yourself and your thoughts can feel really uncomfortable.

Are you always lonely when you are alone? The two can go hand in hand…but do they have to?  Some people feel quiet content when they have time to themselves.

I have also sat across from many clients who have shared they are very lonely even though they are partnered.  It is so hard to feel lonely in your relationship.  Sure you might feel lonely when you are alone…but when you are with someone, your special person and still alone, that is incredibly painful.

If you are feeling lonely, it’s OK to ask for support.  Reach out to friends or family.  Find an activity that you enjoy.  Surround yourself with loving people

You can be alone and be content.  You can be alone and be entertained.  You can also be in the presence of others and still feel lonely.

Knowing the difference between being lonely and being alone will help you find comfort and support.

Filed under: Relationship, Self-care, Self-love, Support — admin @ 2:15 pm

June 8, 2013

Breaking Down or Breaking Open?

broken open

You know when things feel so hard you don’t know how you will continue?

When your heart is breaking

or

You feel battered by life

or

You have been betrayed and you don’t know who/what you can believe anymore.

Those times you feel hopeless and confused – and faith or trust are just words that you can no longer cling to…

Those times…oh those times…the times you stay awake thinking or crying or wishing and bemoaning…those times you can’t eat (or all you can do is eat)….you bargain…you try to use logic…you try to understand…it’s like doing a complex math equation with fruit instead of numbers…

Those times the hurt feels so strong you really don’t understand how you aren’t having an actual heart attack at this very moment.

It is in those moments where things feel like they’ve ended that they begin.

You feel broken.

You want to break down.

You ARE breaking open.

This is your chance to see what is inside…what you are made of.

You are hurting (maybe even feel like you are dying)…can you also be open?

Filed under: Change, Grief, Strength, Vulnerability — admin @ 4:55 pm

June 7, 2013

Set a Sex Intention

What do you want to experience when you have sex?

What do you want to feel?

  • Passion
  • Joy
  • Playfulness
  • Getting Off
  • Connection
  • Love

What is your intention?

Are you trying to get pregnant? If so, are you stressed about it?  Trying to “make something happen.”  Are you anxious?  What if your intention was to create something out of your love?  What if you intention was connecting?

Do you feel anxiety about sex in general?

How do you think that affects your sexual expression?  Does it show up in the bedroom (I’m guess it does).  If your intention is to “just get it over with” that will influence the kind of sex you have.

If your intention is to feel great, explore pleasure and share something with your partner – that too will influence your sexual experience.

  • What do you want to experience?
  • What do you want to feel?
  • What kind of sexual experience excites you, connects you, or do you yearn for?

Set your sexual intention and watch it unfold!

Filed under: Intimacy, Sexuality — admin @ 1:20 pm

June 1, 2013

Does Facebook have a problem with women?

women's sexuality

More than that, does facebook have a problem with women’s sexuality?

Today one of my posts about women’s sexuality was pulled off of facebook.  I was told it didn’t line up with the community standards.

Facebook and its  “standards” have been the topic of much debate lately.  And I know I’m not the only one who is questioning their reasoning, their loyalties and how they feel about women.

People often ask me how I got into my field.  I struggle to pinpoint the exact moment I wanted to do this.  Just when I think I can find the “beginning” I’m reminded of something else that lead me here.  I am less interested in when I started my interest/passion about sex and intimacy and more curious about why.

  • I do this work because I think self-love, pleasure and sexual enjoyment are all important.
  • I do this work because I want to help people release shame, limiting beliefs and fear.
  • I do this work because I value intimacy, vulnerability and connection.
  • I do this work because I am want to normalize the things we think are weird about sex.  I want to talk about the things we don’t talk about.  I want to make sex less scary or painful or embarrassing.
  • I do this work because it is my calling.

And yes, I work with a lot of women.  I work with women because I am one and I understand their perspective.  I also work with men.  I post about men and women’s sexuality…however my post about women’s sexuality is the one that was removed from facebook.

This is the post that was removed “Take this class to learn more about your sexuality and increase your desire.”  There was then a link to the sign up page for my “You Don’t Have to be a Sexy Tiger” class.

Scary stuff right?

This is not new behavior.  And facebook isn’t alone.

There are media outlets, groups of people and individuals that seem concerned about what will happen if women enjoy their sexuality.

My belief is that the world will be a better place when we can talk openly and lovingly about sex – about what we want, what excites us or what scares us. Can you imagine how we would all treat each other if we were all enjoying pleasure and feeling good about our bodies?

I want to change the world.  I want to help people unlock their erotic potential.  I want to do it without shame.

This is my truth.

I know I’m not alone.  Women (and men) are ready to embrace their sexual selves and enjoy pleasure!

How can we make a difference?

Keep the conversation going.  Share this post.  Tell your story.  Learn more about sex.  Talk with your friends.  Embrace your sexuality and pleasure!

Filed under: Body-Image, Change, Sexual Being, Sexuality, Shame, Women — admin @ 9:32 pm