Archive: August, 2013

August 29, 2013

Relationship Reminders

Are you looking for small things you can do to improve your relationship?

I post a Relationship Reminder, a Romance Reminder or a Self Love Reminder on my facebook and twitter pages every other day.

These are small, tangible things you can do for yourself or your partner.

Huge, sweeping, romantic gestures are great!  How often can you do those?  These reminders are little nuggets that are reduced to 190 characters.  They are things you can do for little money or effort (sometimes they just require shifting the way you view something).

Here are a couple examples.

  • Instead of trying to be a “better lover,” focus on being present in bed. Really showing up is sexy! #RelationshipReminder
  • When is the last time you looked in the mirror and focused on what you love rather than what you hate? #SelfLoveReminder
  • Ask your partner about his or her day.  #RelationshipReminder
  • Surprise your lover with a kiss.  Not a peck, a passionate kiss that doesn’t need to lead to sex. #RomanceReminder
  • Feeling lonely or unappreciated? Romance yourself! Buy flowers, light candles, dress up or make a special meal or treat. #SelfLoveReminder
  • Reminisce with your partner about your firsts – 1st date, 1st kiss, 1st time you said “I love you.” #RelationshipReminder

With busy schedules and countless responsibilities, romance and self-love can get lost in the shuffle. Let me make it easy for you to prioritize these things.  Check out my facebook page or twitter feed and you will get similar reminders plus great articles and information about intimacy, sex and relationships!

Filed under: Relationship, Romance, Self-love — admin @ 9:33 am

August 22, 2013

Savor Your Happiness

This week I read a post about “Happiness Jars” on Elizabeth Gilbert’s facebook page.

She has been posting pictures of readers’ happiness jars.  She also wrote a “how to” for happiness jars (much of which is geared toward doing what feels best for you).  I created my own happiness jar as soon as I read the post.

I recently wrote about journaling.  I know some people are reluctant to journal because when they do write, they often focus on the negative.  You can choose to journal about happiness.  You can also let your journal be a place that holds it all (happy, sad, or in between, whatever is true for you).  Your journal may end up being filled with your unhappiness.  It’s up to you.

I love the idea of a happiness jar because it has a specific focus.  What made you happy today?  What was your happiest moment? If you read what Gilbert has to say about the happiness jar, you will learn you can create one for a specific time period, or a relationship, or just a general happiness jar.

How wonderful to have a place you can record happy moments you may forget otherwise.  How wonderful to have a ritual that encourages you to notice and record happy moments.  It is so easy to focus on the BIG hardships or the BIG sadness and forget small, happy moments.  And many small happy moments can lead to BIG joy.

I know 2013 has been a tough year for many people.  I also know that we can find some small happy moment each day.  At the end of the year do you want to remember how awful things were?  I want to hold all of it. Yes it was hard.  Sometimes it was sad.  It also held all of the happy moments…all of this beauty…all of this love.

Will you chose to savor your happiness?

happiness jar

Filed under: Change, Gratitude, Ritual, Self-care, Self-love — admin @ 5:03 pm

August 19, 2013

Writing It Out and Journaling In

journal

Diaries aren’t just for teenage girls and recording crushes.  Writing your thoughts, feelings, desires, experiences and more; can be very powerful.

I have kept a journal off and on for decades.  There were times I was diligent and wrote every day and others when I would show up at the page every few months.  When I started my business and started writing for work, I wrote for myself less and less.  When my dad died, I needed a place to put all of my thoughts and feelings.  I could talk to friends and family…but the truth is there is only so much space or energy for that.  I was very supported and at the same time, my family had their own grief and my friends didn’t have the same experience as I did (though I will say, talking with my friends who have also lost a parent was so comforting and reassuring.  If you have experienced loss I do recommend trying to connect with people who will “get” it).

Writing is a wonderful way to work through feelings…to get them out of your body…to heal.

Process your grief

Vent your anger

Pour out your heartache

Scribble out your joy

It is also a powerful way to go inward, to learn, to reflect, to understand, to grow.

What do I want in my life?

What isn’t serving me?

What risks shall I take?

What are my fears?

It can also be a way to record what is happening in your life.

Track changes

Document experiences

Take a snapshot of your life

There isn’t a “right way” to journal.  Journal in the way that works best for you.  Use words or pictures or art. If you need a schedule or a special place or a special journal; that’s great.  If you need something else that is great too!

Journaling can be a solitary event.  It can also be something you do with or for another person.

  • Keep a journal for yourself

Let it be something just for you.  You don’t have to worry about judgment or shame.  Let it be yours.

  • Share a journal with your partner

You can write this together.  You could create a gratitude journal where you each post something you are grateful for about your partner each day.  You could also keep a journal about your relationship and give it to your partner one day.

  • Journal for your children

I kept a pregnancy journal and have continued to write a journal for my daughter.  I write her letters, comment on things she learns or experiences and even just record a plain old boring day.  I can’t wait to be able to share this with her one day.  Sometimes my love is so strong, so I grab her journal and write out my feelings.  I know that when she is older I will be able to tell her how much I enjoyed her first year, this journal will give her a glimpse of what it was really like (especially because we tend to “rewrite” memories in our mind).

Talking things out can be so wonderful.  Processing with a friend or a counselor is great!  You also have the ability to do some work on your own with a pen and paper.  Writing it out or journal within…keep it to yourself or share it…journal in a way that works for you!

Filed under: Change, Emotions, Ritual, Self-care, Self-love, Uncategorized — admin @ 9:04 pm

August 10, 2013

Looking for love?

Women online dating party

Get a little help from your friends!

Last night I went to a little gathering to help a friend create an online dating profile.  It was so much fun!  I love ritual, I love celebrations and I love it when people ask for help and call on their tribe.

When I’m working with clients who are using an online dating site, I recommend they either bring their profile into our session or they share it with a close friend.  It’s not that I don’t trust my clients.  It’s just that I’ve seen so many people sell themselves short.  People don’t want to brag so they go so far in the other direction that instead of being humble they are under representing themselves.  I’ve also seen many people try to be something they think other people want and then not accurately represent themselves.

Having someone you trust look at your profile will help you –

  • Acknowledge your strengths  - Your friends think you are great.  They can tell you why and make sure you don’t downplay your wonderfulness.
  • Be Truthful about who you are – (what are your REAL hobbies?  How much do you REALLY drink?)  A friend can remind you that you want to find someone who loves you for who you truly are.  A friend can call BS!
  • Choose pictures that really showcase who YOU are – Does that glamour shot from 10 years ago give people a clear idea of what you look like?  You don’t want a photo that will make your date do a double take when you show up in person.  If you are adventurous and fun, does that show up in your photos?
  • Get clear about what you are looking for – Your friends may be able to see your dating patterns or ways you are choosing mates who aren’t giving you what you want in a relationship.

I LOVE the idea of having an online profile creation party!  Provide food and drinks and let your friends help relieve some of the anxiety or stress you may feel.  Lean on them when you are feeling uncertain.  Laugh with them as you come up with funny things to say on your profile (or totally inappropriate “mock profile” things that don’t make it on to the actual site).  Love them when they tell you how great you are and how much they can’t wait to see you with someone who appreciate you.

Make it fun.

Make it playful.

Make it yours.

Filed under: Dating, Relationship, Ritual, Support — admin @ 11:35 am

August 9, 2013

Seduce Yourself!

Woman Bath Masturbation

Recently I wrote about masturbation being good for you.  What about making it feel really good too?

I also wrote – Romance, cherish and love yourself. How can you do that in the bedroom?

Masturbation is often something done quickly and furtively under the covers. Some of that may be because of having to be quiet or secretive growing up, or fear that you might get “caught.” Many people try to get off as quickly as possible.  Which is fine.  It’s also more than fine to make your experience pleasurable.

Seduce yourself!

Ready to make your self-love session a little more pleasurable?  Try these tips –

Set the mood – Light some candles, turn on some music, take a bath, put some special sheets on the bed – do something to make your experience special and intentional.

Take your time – Are you used to getting off as quickly as possible?  What if you slow down?  Instead of going straight for your genitals, explore your body and see if you can find other erogenous zones!

Tease yourself –Let yourself get close to orgasm and then back off a bit.  Arouse yourself some more and notice what happens when you get close to the brink, slow down and then build things back up again.  You may discover that your orgasm is even more explosive.

Use some tools – Try a toy, read some erotica, watch something sexy.  If you find a tool you enjoy solo, you may even bring it into your partnered sex in the future.

Try something new – Using a tool may be new.  You can also try a different position (on your stomach instead of your back or opening your legs at a different angle), a different location (couch or floor vs. bed, or the bathtub), you can touch yourself in a different way, (use your hand if you usually use a vibrator).  If you can have an orgasm in a different way, you can do the same thing with a partner.

Sometimes you only have a minute or you want to have a fast release.  Other times it’s great to take your time and seduce yourself.  You are worth of pleasure.  You are worthy of seduction.  Don’t wait for someone else to give you either – Seduce Yourself!

Feeling shame about masturbation? – Check out the PDF for my online class, “Releasing Shame – Embracing Pleasure!”

Filed under: Pleasure, Self-love, Sexual Being, Sexuality — admin @ 9:00 am

August 8, 2013

5 Reasons Masturbation is Great!

Let’s talk about masturbation.

For real!

Masturbation, especially female masturbation is not something that is spoken about in polite circles.  Many women feel shame about masturbation. Some woman use masturbation as a stress reliever or as a way to experience pleasure when they are single.  If you are in a relationship, you may tell yourself you don’t “need” to masturbate.  Masturbation and partnered sex can serve different purposes.  Sex with your lover is often about connection, expressing love or sharing intimacy.  Masturbation can add something to your life (rather than replacing sex with your mate).

Here are some reasons masturbation is great! (Whether you are single or partnered)

  • It’s good for your health – get those endorphins flowing, (see stress release below) and keep those genital muscles toned!
  • It’s a great stress relief (and can help sleep) – Orgasm is a form of release…when you release something, you let go.  So if you are holding energy or stress or anger or sadness, “letting go” with some self-love could be just what you need to feel better.
  • It can help you learn what you love and what feels good – Touching yourself is one of the best ways to learn what your body likes.  You can play with tempo, pressure and different areas of your body without worrying about your partner’s agenda.  You can take your time.  You can truly focus on yourself (and even bring what you learn to your partnered sex).
  • It will help you get comfortable with your body and cultivate self-love – Do you have some shame about your body?  Getting up close and personal can help change your view of your body.  Touch yourself with love.
  • Pleasure begets MORE pleasure – Are you worried that if you take the time to masturbate, you might not have desire or energy left for your partner?  Pleasure begets more pleasure!  AND if you are taking the time to learn what you love and sharing that with your partner, you are going to enjoy sex even more!

Masturbation is good for you.  Self-love is good for you.  Pleasure is good for you.

Ready to make your masturbation more pleasurable?  Look for tomorrow’s post – Seduce Yourself!

Feeling shame about masturbation? – Check out my online class, “Releasing Shame – Embracing Pleasure!”

Filed under: Self-care, Self-love, Sexual Being, Sexuality, Women, health — admin @ 1:50 pm

August 1, 2013

Be Present

Photo by Beth Martin

Photo by Beth Martin

Today I was driving to a massage and I was stopped at an abnormally long red light.  I felt a flash of panic and thought, ‘I should be doing something!’

I could be replying to email or sending a text or checking facebook or getting ready for my daughter’s birthday.  And then I remembered, ‘I am doing something, I’m driving!’  And I stopped and I took a breath and I asked myself to be present.  Nothing extraordinary happened.  I looked around and saw a gas station and a Plaid Pantry and some people waiting for a bus.  I watched the overcast sky and waited for the light to change.

At my massage, I found my mind filling with all the things I could be doing, the things I NEED to do.  I started writing a blog post in my head, I thought about my shopping list and what I was doing after my massage.  And then I stopped and invited myself to really feel my massage.  I realized if I let my mind wander the 90 minutes would pass and I wouldn’t remember a thing.  My to-do list would be the same size and I wouldn’t have enjoyed my massage.  I felt my massage therapists hands working on my knots and stretching my muscles.  I listened to the music.  I took in the scent of the lotion.

I was present.

And it was lovely.

And then my mind would wander and then I would catch myself and come back to my massage.

Do you find yourself checking email while you are watching a movie?  Are you scrolling through facebook while your partner talks about his day?  Are you planning your weekly menu at your kid’s soccer game?  Are you thinking about work while making love to your mate?

I know that life is busy and there are times we NEED to multitask.  I also realize that sometimes multitasking is a distraction.  Sometimes multitasking keeps us from being present.  And sometimes being present is scary.

If we are truly present than we may feel things that are yucky or painful or embarrassing or hard. If we are truly present, we may realize there are parts of our lives that no longer fit or limit us or just don’t feel authentic.  If we are truly present and we limit distraction, we really see what is going on.  And that can be hard and it can be wonderful!

If we are truly present we can experience our pleasure, our joy, our elation, our bliss.

Life is rarely all good or all bad, all hard or all easy.  When we are present, we make room for all of it.  That can be complicated…and it can be wonderful.  It can be very full.

What are you missing by not being present?

The above photo was taken by my sister.  She might have missed out on that incredible sky if she wasn’t paying attention.

Being present doesn’t mean making your mind blank or meditating or not doing the things you need to do.  It means noticing, breathing, looking, connecting.

Can you take a moment right now (or later in your day) to be present in your life? Can you offer your partner your presence?  Can you stop and feel all of your feelings?

Let yourself really open up to your life…all of it!

If you are struggling with being present during sex, you may find THIS helpful.

Filed under: Gratitude, Spirituality, Vulnerability — admin @ 4:04 pm