Archive: August, 2015

August 28, 2015

What I learned from peddling sex toys.

Sex Toys

For four years I was welcomed in to women’s homes and talked to them about sex. When I first signed up to be a Pure Romance consultant I was interested in the presentation part of the parties. It appealed to the performer in me. I wanted to stand in front of a group of women and talk to them, educate them and hopefully laugh with them. I wanted to take this very taboo topic and make it more accessible and make it playful. I wanted to start a conversation. I had no idea that the part of the job that would most move me was what I learned from women and all of the intimate stories they shared. I had no idea that these strangers would open their hearts and tell me some of their most vulnerable and intimate secrets, fears and desires. I had no idea that this would be one of the biggest catalysts that would launch me in the direction of being a sex therapist.

At these parties I would arrive, carrying giant bins of lotions, potions and toys. I would set up in a living room or dining room. Women would gather and eat and drink and giggle and then I would start my presentation. I stood in front of the group and would tell stories and talk about products and pass them around. The women were able to hold toys in their hands and see what they felt like. I loved to read the room and use just the right amount of humor to help the partygoers relax into the evening. I was often approached by women who shared they first felt uncomfortable about coming to the event but they loved it so much that they wanted to host their own party. We would laugh and talk and some of the women would share stories with the other women about products they loved or toys they had tried. And then after I had shared all of the information about the available products I would go into another room of the house (usually an office or bedroom) and one-by-one or two-by-two the women would come and order from me (privately).

And here is where some of them cried as they told me they had never had an orgasm.

Here is where they shared they didn’t feel any desire but really want to.

Here is where they told me the kinds of sex they love or the kinds of sex they pine for.

Here is where they opened their hearts and took me into their confidence.

Here is where my life changed.

One of the things I love most about my work is helping people talk about uncomfortable things. Often that is sex, but sometimes it is grief or fear or anger. I love helping people use their voice. I love helping people communicate. I love helping people feel heard. I also love demystifying sex and bring it out of the shadows and into your living room.

Here are some of the things I learned all those years ago when I was welcomed in to strangers homes and talked with them about sex.

People want to feel normal (at least when it comes to sex). A lot of the women I saw compared themselves (their bodies, their desire, their sex lives) to other people or what they saw on TV and in the movies…and they often felt like they didn’t measure up. They viewed what they saw in the media as “normal” and they really wanted to be normal. And if they had less desire than what they saw or struggled with arousal or orgasm, they felt broken.

A lot of the women I met wanted to want sex. Even if they didn’t feel spontaneous desire, the women I met wanted to want sex with their partners. They wanted to feel more desire. They wanted to feel less inhibited. They wanted to love sex. Some of these women wanted to want sex for their partner, but some of them really wanted it for themselves.

Many of the women wanted someone else to teach them, reach them or wake them up. When we talked about masturbation or learning what they liked, they weren’t very interested. They were convinced that the right person, toy or pill would figure it out for them. I think many of us have been misinformed. We’ve been taught that the right man or woman will rush in, sweep us off our feet and make all of our pleasure areas light up. Here’s the thing. If you want to enjoy sex more, you will need to explore what YOU like. And you can absolutely invite someone to be a part of that process. You can ask your partner for help. But you also have to be an active participant. Pleasure is an inside job.

I talked with a lot of women who were afraid that using a vibrator would mean competition for their partner. Some of these women were in relationship with men who told them they were worried about becoming obsolete if there is a vibrator involved. Here’s the thing. Vibrators are GREAT! They are a wonderful tool and can really speed up the arousal and orgasm process. It’s lovely to use them on your own or with a partner. And it’s true, they do move at a faster speed than a human can. But they also can’t wrap their arms around you, press the weight of their bodies against you, kiss you or tell you they love you.

Many of the women I met were focused on pleasing their partner. They wanted products their partners would love. They wanted things that would make them more desirable or drive their lover wild in bed. What I’ve learn from my therapy work with couples is that one of the best ways to drive your lover wild is to really enjoy sex! Your pleasure is sexy!!!

I also met women who were really comfortable with sex. I met women who felt really in touch with their desire and pleasure and arousal. I met women who really love sex.

If you recognize yourself in any of the above groups, know that you are not alone. One of the reasons I do the work that I do is because I want it to be easier for us to talk about sex. If we can talk about it, we can learn and grow. If we talk about it you will also learn that you are not broken and you are not alone!

Filed under: Communication, Pleasure, Self-love, Sexual Being, Sexuality — admin @ 11:22 am

August 25, 2015

The Pleasure Project

pleasure project

When I gather with women or lead a retreat or e-course I often hear, “Yes! This feels so good. This is how I want to feel in my life. But how do I keep it going? What happens when life gets busy?”

I feel the same thing when I spend time with people I love or when I travel. “Yes! This is what I want! How do I keep this going when I have to go back to work or I’m trying to walk two dogs and a preschooler or I’m under-rested and overcommitted?”

How can I prolong this pleasurable feeling?

Pleasure is one of my core-values, but that doesn’t mean it always comes easily. I feel strongly that my life is exponentially better when I’m engaged with my pleasure, but I still have to work at it. I have to bring myself back to pleasure over and over again.  It takes commitment. I choose pleasure again and again.

When I’m in Paris, pleasure is on my radar. It’s everywhere. It’s easy.

paris pleasure Collage

So I asked myself, how I can make pleasure easier here? How can I get pleasure on my radar?

That’s when I came up with the Pleasure Project.

Imagine someone helping you embrace pleasure every single day!

How it works –

Sign up and you will receive 30 Days of Pleasure Prompts! Once you register, you will receive an email every day for 30 days.

A month of emails delivered directly to you that will help you plug into your pleasure.

Each email will focus on a different facet of pleasure.

We’ll explore -

Simple pleasure

Pleasure and Sensuality

Giving Yourself Permission for Pleasure

Pleasure in the Mundane

Pleasure in Play

Dressing with Pleasure

Finding Pleasure in Your Work

Pleasure for Your Body

Pleasure for Your Heart

and more…

Your emails will include stories, video, audio, activities and ideas for you to explore. They are designed to inspire and also be a catalyst for you to become more active with your pleasure.

pleasure Collage

Who is this class for -

Anyone who is ready to feel more pleasure.

It doesn’t matter if –

you are in a relationship or single.

you are super busy or a have a lot of time.

you are a parent or don’t have children.

you have a lot of extra money or you struggle to make ends meet.

you are shy and private or very outgoing.

Pleasure is for everyone. And this class is accessible for anyone.

I’m making it simple. Pleasure doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive or time consuming.

Pleasure can be overlooked. The Pleasure Project is not only an invitation to bring more pleasure into your life it is also going to show you places pleasure already exists and help you slow down and savor it.

I’m also making it affordable. For $30 you get 30 emails about pleasure! And each email will be full of information, activities and tangible things you can do to enjoy more pleasure in your life!

Pleasure takes practice. That’s why The Pleasure Project is a full 30 days. I want us to see what it’s like when we show up to pleasure again and again. Pleasure takes commitment. The Pleasure Project will encourage you to commit to your pleasure, honor your pleasure and prioritize your pleasure. Pleasure is fun. Yes, this a class, but oh my, it’s going to be so much fun! You are worthy of pleasure and enjoyment!

How would your life be different if you were reminded of pleasure and encouraged to enjoy it?

I’m going to commit to 30 days of pleasure and I hope you will join me.

Purchase the class below. Make sure you enter your email address so I know where to send your daily pleasure lessons.

I am so excited to see how our lives expand when we embrace pleasure! Let’s create a pleasure movement!

Add to Cart

Filed under: Class, Pleasure, Self-care, Self-love — admin @ 3:36 pm

August 14, 2015

Let’s Commit to Pleasure Together

Right before I sat down to write this post I received a frustrating phone call. After that I found myself pacing around my house, feeling agitated and unsettled.  On top of the call itself, I now felt annoyed that this phone call interrupted the positive energy and good vibes I felt about sharing this project. I wanted to write this post from a place of pleasure.

And then I had to laugh at myself. Pleasure is easy when I’m in Paris. Pleasure is easy when your bank account is full. Pleasure is easy when you are sipping champagne with your hunky lover and talking about all of the yummy things you want to do to each other.

But what about the rest of the time?

That is what the Pleasure Project is all about.

It’s about finding the pleasure when life is boring or hard or frustrating or sad. Where is the pleasure when you are worried about  paying off your student loans? or when you are fighting with your partner? or cleaning up dog poop? or staying up all night with a nursing baby?

Where is the pleasure in ordinary life?

The truth is it’s everywhere…but sometimes the other things (the hard, frustrating, sad, messy, loud, big things) drown it out.

Sometimes we need to be reminded about pleasure.

Sometimes we need to make space for it.

Sometimes we need to advocate for our pleasure.

Sometimes we need to fight for it.

The pleasure project will give you accountability for your pleasure. Not only that, it will offer you suggestions and possibilities for new pleasure in your life.

This project was inspired by what I want in my own life. I was sitting in a coffee shop writing about what I want. I looked at the page and saw, “How can I love more? How can I spend more time in pleasure? How do I want my life to feel?”

pleasure project

And I realized the way I can do these things is by being really conscious and making it a practice. I can have what I want when I slow down, go deep and embrace pleasure. I know what I want, now I need to commit to it and show up. And what better way to do that, than doing it with a community?

I want to know what happens to your life when you really embrace pleasure. I want to know how you feel when you are consistently reminded of pleasure. And I want to do that with you. I want more pleasure and joy and fun and love and connection. I’m heading back to Paris in September. My time there always activates my pleasure gene and when I head back to Portland I want to keep the pleasure momentum going.

The Pleasure Project is coming this October and I will be announcing all of the details next week!

Filed under: Class, Pleasure — admin @ 10:15 am