Foreplay or Boreplay?

November 7th, 2015 by admin in Communication, Intimacy, Pleasure, Receiving, Sensuality, Sexuality, arousal
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Marriage kissing softly in bed

I hear from a surprising number of people who find foreplay boring. Sometimes they tell me it’s too predictable. Sometimes they tell me they don’t like the way their partner touches them. Sometimes they tell me they are simply going through the motions to get to the part of sex they really enjoy.

I’ve been doing this work long enough to know that there are some people who truly don’t like foreplay. And if that is the case for you, no judgement. That’s your preference.

Most of the time I’m working with people who don’t know what their capacity for foreplay is.

They are bored with it because they are checked out during it.

They aren’t sure what the point of foreplay is.

They feel insecure about who they are as a lover.

They feel lost.

They don’t like how their partner is touching them and they don’t know how to ask for something else.

They doubt what they want or like because their partner has told them “everyone else I’ve been with loves this” or “every other woman likes to be touched like this.”

They say they have lost that “passion” that drove them when they first starting making love with their partner.

Or they feel like they aren’t “doing it right.”

Occasionally I hear from people who feel too exposed or vulnerable during foreplay. They feel selfish or uncomfortable when their partner focuses on them.

Here are a few things to help bring energy and enjoyment into your foreplay.

Curiosity – Foreplay doesn’t have to be rehearsed or “perfect.” Let yourself be curious. Ask your partner how something feels. Experiment. Play. People are often afraid of looking foolish during sex or trying something new because it feels too risky. If you don’t try something new, you risk getting bored or going through the motions. Try a different kind of touch, a different pressure, a different texture. Focus on a different body part. Practice a different kind of kiss. And as you try something new, follow your partner’s response (notice her body, her breath, any sounds she makes).

Sensuality – Lead with your senses. What are you seeing, smelling, tasting, touching, hearing? More than that, titillate you senses. What would your senses enjoy? What do you want to taste? Can you hear your partner’s breath or heartbeat. What do you want to feel with your fingertips and how does your body yearned to be touched? Open your eyes, what do you see?

Pleasure – Embrace pleasure. What would feel good? What would you enjoy? Perhaps it’s less about touch right now and more about hearing your partner’s voice whispering something in your ear. If you aren’t sure what will feel good, then let yourself be curious. Try something new and then really check in with yourself. Did I like that? What might I enjoy more? Connect with your pleasure outside of sex so that it’s easier to cultivate pleasure in the bedroom. What feels good? What satisfies you? Or practice touch and pleasure on your own and then share what you like with your partner.

Just like sex isn’t one size fits all – Foreplay is highly unique. It’s up to your to tune into your body and your pleasure. It’s up to you to get clear about what feels good. It’s up to you to know what turns you on! Your pleasure is yours. Give yourself permission to take the time and energy to make it really enjoyable!

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