Can you picture your ideal relationship? Do you know what you want it to look like? What about your ideal partner?
If you are single and interested in dating, it’s a good idea to get clear about what you do (and don’t) want in a relationship or partner. Make a list of what you want in a partner. Be specific. What are you willing to settle for? What is a dating deal breaker?
It might not be possible to find one person who has every trait on your ideal list. However, if you have a list that will give you a good map to refer to when you meet someone. If you’ve written down what you want, you will be less likely to settle when you met someone and he or she doesn’t live up to your wish list.
You don’t have to buy diamonds or use skywriting to tell your partner you care. Small (inexpensive) expressions of love go a really long way!
Give small gifts when they aren’t expected. Sure you might give flowers or a card on Valentine’s Day or your Anniversary, but what about giving a card “just because?”
Pick up your partner’s favorite treat the next time you are at the store. Whether it’s candy, a beverage or a magazine – bringing home something without being asked shows you are thinking of your mate.
Leave little notes around the house. On each note write something you love about your partner, something you appreciate or a compliment. (for example, “I love your smile.” “I feel so lucky to be loved by you.” “You are the best kisser.”)
Say nice things about your mate in front of someone else. Tell your friends how amazing your partner is, how great he is at his job or how lucky you feel to be with him.
Listen. Seems like a small thing, right? But we are all so good at multitasking these days…so put down the remote, look in her eyes and really listen.
Ask a question. Ask your love about his day. Ask him what he thinks about things (what he wants for dinner, where he wants to go on your next vacation, how he would like to be seduced). After you ask, listen to what he says.
Give a compliment. An unsolicited compliment can feel wonderful. Don’t wait to be asked, “How do I look?” Tell her she looks great. Tell her you think she is an amazing mother. Tell her you are impressed by her business savvy. You know those things you are thinking? Those things you love about your partner? Say them out loud!
Call or send a text in the middle of the day. Just because you typically talk at lunch time doesn’t mean you can’t send an “I love you” text at 10am. Checking in with a message of love during the day shows you are thinking of him and that can feel really great. (Just make sure you are mindful of your partner’s schedule. If he has a huge meeting or an important presentation he might not have the time to talk.)
Make time for your relationship. Carve out time for your partner. Whether it means you get to go on a date or even sit on the couch together and talk about your day, let her know you WANT to spend time with her.
Use your talents. If you are a wonderful cook or a fabulous baker then make a treat for your lover. If you are a poet or songwriter, let your mate be your muse. If you struggle creatively then you can put your favorite picture in a frame for your partner or give him a foot rub.
Say, “I love you.” Sure you may already tell your partner you love her. Notice how you say it. Is it in passing or something you say out of habit rather than saying it intentionally? Next time you want to let her know how special she is, look in her eyes and tell her you love her. And if you want to turn it up a notch, say her name first and then say, “I love you.”
I recently wrote about recovering from a break up and moving on with your life. I received a lot of feedback from people who are dealing with a break up and hurting. I think the response was so great because as different as we all are, many of us know what it’s like to love and to have lost that love. In addition to loss, there is another element for people who are recovering from a break up after their partner cheated or deceived them.
If you’ve been cheated on or deceived you still need to grieve and mourn and ask for support. In addition to the grief, there may be more hurt and anger to process. You don’t want to ignore your anger. Find a healthy way to work through it. Talk about it, write about it, or find a physical way to express it, like running or playing a sport.
In addition to expressing your anger, you may need to forgive yourself. That might sound strange. Forgive myself for being deceived??? Yes! Often when someone has been lied to or cheated on, they blame themselves. “If I was a better partner he wouldn’t have left” or “if I was smarter I wouldn’t have dated him.” Let go of the “what ifs” and be gentle with yourself.
If you are feeling some anger, here is an exercise that might help. Write a letter to your ex. Say all of the things that are hurting you. Tell him how pissed you are. Get it all out there, but don’t send it. Burn it, bury it, do whatever feels meaningful to you and then let go of that anger so you can move on.
People often wonder, how long should it take to get over a break up? If only I knew the magic number I could get through it and get on with my life.
There are a few things that can impact the length of time it takes for you to move on:
The length of the relationship
The depth of the relationship
How much you typically get attached to people (do you get really connected to people? If so, you might need a little more time.)
There is not a certain amount of time that it “should” take, but there are things you can do to make it easier.
Let yourself mourn. It is a loss and you might be sad or angry or hurt, let yourself feel these emotions. Let yourself be comforted by friends. Ask for what you need. Focus on yourself. Do things you used to love but didn’t have time for in your relationship. It’s a great time to start a new hobby or join a group.
As you mourn, don’t get caught up in the fantasy of what your relationship could have been. So often when people are mourning a relationship they are mourning things that weren’t there. For example, “I will miss the vacations we were going to take.”
After you’ve mourned and taken care of yourself then it’s time to look at your last relationship. Be objective. What worked, what didn’t? Once you’ve looked at your past relationship, you then get to look forward. What do you want to be different in the future? Who do you want to be in relationship with and Who Do YOU want to be in that relationship?
Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time. And when you are ready make a list of what you want in your next relationship or partner. This step is important because you don’t want to repeat patterns or past mistakes. What do you want in your next relationship, your next partner? Put it on paper. When you can look ahead, it’s a good sign that you are ready to move on…
When preparing for a show geared toward single women for Studio6, the number one question I received is, “Where can I meet someone?” I did a little informal polling with people who are in a relationships and the top I answers I received are: a bar, work, through friends and online.
I think some times people would like that “magic place” you can go. I can tell you where you can find men…but that doesn’t mean those places are the best places for you to find YOUR mate. You can go to a sporting event and there will be men there, but if you pretend you like sports just to meet men, what will you tell you husband years from now when he wonders why you don’t like basketball anymore? Now if you like sports, by all means, go and see if you can find someone who entices you.
The best place to meet someone is at a place that interests you. If you love art, go to a museum or take a class and if you meet someone there, you will have mutual interests that last a lifetime. (And even if you don’t meet someone there, you will be doing something you love!) Where ever you go, be open. That doesn’t mean you have to get dolled up every time you leave your house and constantly be on the lookout for Mr. Right. There is a difference between being open and being desperate. Being open means you have a willingness. You are still living your life and doing things you love and you are also looking around you and you are open to possibility. If you go to a coffee shop and you aren’t open, you sit in the corner and read a book. If you are open, you will talk to people (even saying “Hi” is a great conversation starter.)
Rather than looking for a new place to find someone, look at the places you already go. Could you be missing out on an opportunity because you are buried behind a book, engrossed in a conversation with a girlfriend or plugged into your IPod? This week look at the world with new, undistracted eyes and see if you “see” anything differently.
People often wonder, how long should it take to get over a break up? If only I knew the magic number I could get through it and get on with my life.