Archive: Dating

October 16, 2018

How do you tend your erotic fire?

How do you keep the romance, intimacy and passion alive in your relationship?

passionate couple

I like to call this energy your erotic fire. It’s that passionate and connecting energy between partners.

And if you know anything about a fire, it needs to be tended. It needs to be fed and cared for, because once the fire goes out completely it takes more energy to get it started again.

The erotic fire acts as a thread between sexual encounters. It can help you and your partner feel connected. If there is no erotic fire in a relationship it can take a lot of energy for one or both partner to show up sexually. Without an erotic fire it can feel like you have to go from zero to sixty when you initiate sex. With the erotic fire there is already warmth and connection there and it’s much easier to create sexual heat.

How do you tend the erotic fire in your relationship?

Do you flirt?
Send a sexy text?
Plan a romantic date or getaway?
Compliment your partner?
Take a class, read a book or go to counseling?
Make out (without the expectation of sex)?
Make time for emotional intimacy?
Communicate about sex?
Woo each other?
Set aside time for just the two of you?

And what about your own erotic fire? How do you connect to your own sexual energy?

Here are some things you might try to connect to your own erotic energy.

Reading erotica
Yoga or Dance
Get to know your body and what feels good
Dressing in a way that makes you feel sexy
Practicing Sensuality
Using Mindfulness so you feel present
Prioritize Pleasure

Sometimes when we are stuck in the routine of life, or the stress of life, it’s easy to ignore our own erotic energy or the erotic fire in our relationship. Luckily it only takes a spark to start that fire (and then a little bit of energy to lovingly tend it)!

July 19, 2018

How do you want to be wooed?

romance and love

What are the things that make you feel special in a relationship?

What feels romantic?

Or flirty?

Or fun?

Or loving?

Are there things your partner used to do to make you feel loved or desired? Are there things you wish your partner would do?

People often put time and energy into wooing and romancing a potential mate as a way to get into a relationship…but then once the relationship is secured they put less energy in.

That is often when we most need that kind of attention. That is when we are dealing with the mundanity of life. We may be overwhelmed with work, kids, bills, heath concerns…that is when romance can help lift us up, remind us that we are loved and desired.

How do you know that your partner is into you or thinking about you?

Do you like –

love letters

a flirty text

a thoughtful gift

a romantic date

to be greeted with a kiss

a special look or touch

a night away

making a meal together

dancing in the living room

going out to an event together

having your partner share a song that reminds them of you

being surprised with a sexy encounter

hearing about how much you mean to them

What makes you feel loved and special? And how do you let your partner know they are loved and special too?

Just because you’ve been together “forever” doesn’t mean there isn’t room for romance or flirtation. After you’ve been together for a while that kind of energy may not always come without a little thought or effort though. That’s OK. It doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t care about you (or you don’t care about them). Life is often complex and full. Create some time and space to communicate about what you both would love and then commit to wooing each other.

Filed under: Dating,Intimacy,Love,Relationship,Romance — admin @ 8:41 am

June 12, 2017

Does your partner know what you want?

relationship romance

Have you told your partner how you like to be seduced?

Have you shared what makes your body sing and your lips part and your back arch?

Do you ask for what you want (in and out of the bedroom)?

I hope so.

And if not, what gets in the way?

Many of the people I talk with share that they shouldn’t have to tell their partner what they want. They say it takes the romance or excitement out of it to have to say it out loud. Or they say it makes it less special if they have to ask for it.

In some ways, I think that we’ve been condition to think that. We see it in movies or read about it in books. We dream of someone who will know our body better than we even know it.

So if our partner doesn’t know how we like to be kissed or what kind of foreplay we like or how to help us have an orgasm…we get annoyed. Or we get critical. Or we shut down. We blame them for not being skilled enough or intuitive enough.

And really it’s not fair.

If I asked you to make my favorite cake but refused to tell you what kind of a cake it was or how to make it, would that be fair?

Your partner can’t read your mind.

If there is something you would like, ask for it. There is no shame in asking.

And if you don’t know what you like or what you want, take some time and let yourself be curious. Explore on your own or with your partner.

(I  also know that some people have asked for what they want and aren’t getting it. Perhaps your partner needs some sex education. Or maybe your partner needs to work on listening or remembering what you like. It’s frustrating when you have been clear about what you want and you aren’t getting it. Check in with yourself about this. Does your partner not know what you want because they aren’t paying attention? Or is it because you haven’t asked for it?)

March 27, 2017

Relationships Need Attention

Man Kissing Woman

One of the things I love most about intimate relationships is that they are a place we can be seen and loved for who we truly are. You don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to prove our worth. You can exhale and just be. It’s wonderful!

Sometimes that comfort can shift into taking a partner for granted. You know what I’m taking about, right?

You’ve had those days where you were cheery at work and provided a shoulder for your friend to cry on and you were extra patient with your child and at the end of the day you are exhausted and cranky and you snap at your partner.

Sometimes the people we love the most are the people who get the scraps at the end of the day.

Sometimes the places we feel most secure are the places we give the least attention.

There is a popular myth that relationships should be easy and self-sustaining. And while I believe that relationships can be easy and self-sustaining at times…most things in life require loving attention in order to flourish.

What about your relationship?

How do you show love and appreciation to your partner?

How do you want your partner to show you love and appreciation?

Sometimes we show love in one way but our partner wants something else. Maybe you use words to express your love, but your partner craves touch. Or perhaps you like spending time with your partner but your partner shows you love by doing things for you. Here is an activity you can do to help you both feel more loved and appreciated in your relationship.

Make a list of 10 things your partner can do to help you feel loved or appreciated.

  • Make sure the items on your list are tangible and executable (instead of “Love me”, write “Tell me you love me every day”).
  • Include a few “easy” things on your list.  (you don’t want 10 items that are similar to “plan our next vacation”, “clean the whole house”, “play a date night” – a few of these are OK, but the harder the items are the longer it will take your partner to do them and the longer it will take for you to feel loved).
  • List things positively (avoid asking for behaviors to stop, instead focus on the behaviors that will make you feel loved.  Rather than “stop spending so much money” try “create a budget with me.”)
  • Include some variety. If you feel loved by having sex then that should be on your list, but 10 items that include sex may be overwhelming for your partner. Are there other things that “count” for you?
  • If there are any hot button topics in your relationship (ie sex, money, etc) you may decide to keep these things off the list all together.
  • You can include things that already happen, things that used to happen or things that are new.

Include things that really resonate with you. What are the things that make you smile or feel warm? What are the things that make you want to tell your friends how great your partner is?

“Bring me flowers.” “Kiss me when I come home from work.” “Leave me a love note.” “Pick up my favorite treat at the store.” “Plan a date for us.” “Go on a walk with me.” “Initiate sex.” “Compliment me.”

Then share your lists with each other. Try not be defensive as you hear what your partner wants. Then post your lists somewhere that you can see them and start using them. When you want to express love, go to your partner’s list. When you feel loved and want to reciprocate, go to your partner’s list. The more love we feel, the more love we have to give.

And if you really want to infuse your relationship with loved and connection and intimacy, check out my e-course Shower Your Partner with Love.

It’s packed with videos, exercises and activities you can do with your partner. It’s also self-paced so you can do it on your own time, at your own speed and in the comfort of your own home. It’s a great way to prioritize your relationship and really show each other your care. Learn more about the course here.

January 1, 2014

Someone is looking for you.

someone is looking for you

Filed under: Dating,Faith,Love,Trust — admin @ 5:54 pm

October 15, 2013

Take yourself on a date!

Date Night is an important part of a romantic relationship.  Going on solo dates is also great whether you are single or partnered!

Solo Date

How can you treat yourself?

A solo date doesn’t have to look the same as your partner dates (though it could if that feels good).  If you are picturing yourself sitting alone at a candle lit table meant for two, while all of the other happy couples stare at you with pity, know that you can create a date that feeds you rather than shames you.

A solo can be fun, creative, pampering, sensual, relaxing and more.

Here are some things you can do on your own –

  • Take a class – This could be a one time class or something that meets weekly.  Learn a foreign language, study a cuisine, make some art.  Do something that intrigues you.
  • Go to lunch or coffee -A solo date doesn’t have to be along or extravagant.  Lunch or a coffee treat can give you just enough of a “pause” in your day to feel centered and recharged.
  • Do some shopping – Grocery shopping doesn’t count!  Go to your favorite store or explore someplace new.  You don’t even have to buy something.  Let yourself take as much time as you like.  Window shop.  Explore.  Have fun!
  • Get creative – Make something. Learn something. Start a project. Dream.  I love what Julia Cameron has to stay about taking a weekly artist date!
  • Pamper yourself – Get a massage or a pedicure. Take a nap.  Practice self-care or self-love.
  • Enjoy the seasons – Go to a cider mill, take a sleigh ride, play in the leaves, bask in the sunshine.  Do something festive.  Or grab your camera and head out to explore the season and your senses.  Focusing on your senses keeps you in the present.
  • Relax – Listen to music, go to a movie, read a book, slow down.
  • Indulge – Spend a night at a hotel (alone), take a trip or a weekend get-away, do something you love but have a hard time doing with others rushing you.  Make it yours.

Treat yourself well.  Treat yourself to a date!

Filed under: Dating,Romance,Self-care,Self-love — admin @ 9:58 am

August 10, 2013

Looking for love?

Women online dating party

Get a little help from your friends!

Last night I went to a little gathering to help a friend create an online dating profile.  It was so much fun!  I love ritual, I love celebrations and I love it when people ask for help and call on their tribe.

When I’m working with clients who are using an online dating site, I recommend they either bring their profile into our session or they share it with a close friend.  It’s not that I don’t trust my clients.  It’s just that I’ve seen so many people sell themselves short.  People don’t want to brag so they go so far in the other direction that instead of being humble they are under representing themselves.  I’ve also seen many people try to be something they think other people want and then not accurately represent themselves.

Having someone you trust look at your profile will help you –

  • Acknowledge your strengths  – Your friends think you are great.  They can tell you why and make sure you don’t downplay your wonderfulness.
  • Be Truthful about who you are – (what are your REAL hobbies?  How much do you REALLY drink?)  A friend can remind you that you want to find someone who loves you for who you truly are.  A friend can call BS!
  • Choose pictures that really showcase who YOU are – Does that glamour shot from 10 years ago give people a clear idea of what you look like?  You don’t want a photo that will make your date do a double take when you show up in person.  If you are adventurous and fun, does that show up in your photos?
  • Get clear about what you are looking for – Your friends may be able to see your dating patterns or ways you are choosing mates who aren’t giving you what you want in a relationship.

I LOVE the idea of having an online profile creation party!  Provide food and drinks and let your friends help relieve some of the anxiety or stress you may feel.  Lean on them when you are feeling uncertain.  Laugh with them as you come up with funny things to say on your profile (or totally inappropriate “mock profile” things that don’t make it on to the actual site).  Love them when they tell you how great you are and how much they can’t wait to see you with someone who appreciate you.

Make it fun.

Make it playful.

Make it yours.

Filed under: Dating,Relationship,Ritual,Support — admin @ 11:35 am

May 15, 2013

Breaking up in the age of Social Media

Breaking up is hard to do!  And in the age of social media, it can be even more complicated (and public!).  When you relationship status goes from “in a relationship” to “it’s complicated” or “single” you are opening yourself up to a lot of questions or feedback.  You also have to decide if you still want to be friends (facebook friends, that is).

I was recently interviewed by KGW for a story about some apps geared toward break ups and social media.  You can watch the segment here.

Whether you decide to stay friends or erase your ex from your life, breaking up can be really hard.  Here are some resources for mending your heart and getting on with your life.

Life after a break up.

Recovering from a break up.

My May newsletter is about dating in the digital age.  You can view it here.  What to get future newsletters directly in your inbox?  Subscribe here.

Filed under: Communication,Dating,Newsletter,Self-care — admin @ 10:04 am

April 26, 2013

Have a date at home

home happy hour

Going out into the world for a date isn’t always practical or possible. Kids, jobs and finances can all be obstacles to going out.

Just because you don’t have the time, money or means for a date outside your home, doesn’t mean you can’t have a wonderful time.

A date at home can be fancy or casual.  You can make food or get it out and bring it home (or skip food all together).  You can include the kids for part of it or wait until they are asleep.

Are your dates at home boring or routine?

Here are some things you can try at home for those nights you can’t get out on the town.

  • Create an outdoor happy hour or picnic
  • Make dinner together
  • Sample some desserts
  • Get take out from your favorite restaurant
  • Recreate a favorite date
  • Cuddle on the couch with pizza and a movie
  • Skip dinner and enjoy a bath, exchange massages or get frisky in the bedroom

Don’t let being homebound keep you from having a date night. Find a way to connect with your special someone at home.

Filed under: Dating,Love,Marriage,Relationship,Romance — admin @ 7:00 am

October 7, 2012

Be Yourself and Find True Love

  • Where are the best places to meet someone?
  • How can you find true love?
  • Is there a soulmate out there for everyone?

Two years ago I did a segment on KOIN Studio 6 for single people looking to meet someone.

During the segment I suggested people be themselves.  I advised again pretending to be someone you aren’t or pretending to like something you aren’t interested in.  I even suggested that your quirky traits might be the very thing someone loves about you one day.

I’m posting this segment today because the single producer that is talked about on the show is getting married.  I don’t know if her husband adores her Vicks vapor rub or her knee high stockings.  But I do know that he adores her. I know that they are very happy.  And my belief is that if you are true to yourself you will find someone you loves you for it.


Hooray for being yourself!                                                          Hooray for true love!

Filed under: Dating,Love,Relationship — admin @ 9:25 pm

Older Posts »