Archive: Intimacy

December 31, 2019

New Year’s Resolutions for Your Relationship

I love this time of year. For me it is full of time with my family, possibility, exploring dreams and desires, and hope.

It’s the time of year when you reflect on your life and what you want to change. Most of the time we create personal intentions or resolutions.

What about your relationship?

What do you want?

What would you like to leave behind in 2019 and what do you want to create or commit to in 2020?

Here are some intentions or goals to explore with your partner – 

  • Commit to a Date Night – Schedule some time together. You can get dolled up and go out on the town, go for a walk, or even spend some quality time at home together. The important thing is that you are making time for each other and making your relationship a priority.
  • Try something new – Trying a new activity or hobby can be exciting and it’s great if you two can share that excitement together. Check out a dance class, join an organization or even take a trip to your local adult toy store to pick up some new bedroom accessories.
  • Focus on the Positive – Sometimes relationships can get bogged down by negativity. We all like to feel appreciated and loved. When is the last time you told your partner how sexy he is? or how much you admire her? or how proud you are of them? Instead of focusing on what your partner isn’t doing, what would it be like to focus on what he is doing? It’s nice to receive compliments. It’s nice to feel appreciated. It’s nice to feel loved. What can you do this year (and for years to come) to make sure the positive interactions outweigh the negative in your relationship? You can make this tangible by creating a gratitude journal or a happiness jar together.
  • Learn some skills – Just like any other area of your life, relationships require energy and effort. Take a class on communication, commit to fighting fairly, work with a coach or therapist or read a book together. Put some energy into your relationship and watch it come back to you!
  • Make small rituals a priority –  You can increase intimacy and deepen your connection by focusing on small daily rituals. Start and/or end your day together, hug, kiss, talk about what’s on your mind or in your heart. I love this graphic from the Gottman Institute with more ideas about small ways to prioritize connection and intimacy.

This week’s Swoon also has strategies for reflecting on the past year and setting intentions for stronger partnerships in the coming year.

If you are feeling inspired and excited by the new year, take a little time to include your relationship on your resolution list. It’s doesn’t need to take a ton of time or more to shift things in a positive direction. You can focus on gratitude, more time together, turning up the heat in the bedroom or even choosing a word of the year for your relationship. Where you put your attention grows. Put your attention on your relationship in 2020 and feel your love expand!

Filed under: Change,Intimacy,Marriage,Relationship — admin @ 10:44 am

October 16, 2018

How do you tend your erotic fire?

How do you keep the romance, intimacy and passion alive in your relationship?

passionate couple

I like to call this energy your erotic fire. It’s that passionate and connecting energy between partners.

And if you know anything about a fire, it needs to be tended. It needs to be fed and cared for, because once the fire goes out completely it takes more energy to get it started again.

The erotic fire acts as a thread between sexual encounters. It can help you and your partner feel connected. If there is no erotic fire in a relationship it can take a lot of energy for one or both partner to show up sexually. Without an erotic fire it can feel like you have to go from zero to sixty when you initiate sex. With the erotic fire there is already warmth and connection there and it’s much easier to create sexual heat.

How do you tend the erotic fire in your relationship?

Do you flirt?
Send a sexy text?
Plan a romantic date or getaway?
Compliment your partner?
Take a class, read a book or go to counseling?
Make out (without the expectation of sex)?
Make time for emotional intimacy?
Snuggle?
Communicate about sex?
Woo each other?
Set aside time for just the two of you?

And what about your own erotic fire? How do you connect to your own sexual energy?

Here are some things you might try to connect to your own erotic energy.

Reading erotica
Yoga or Dance
Get to know your body and what feels good
Dressing in a way that makes you feel sexy
Practicing Sensuality
Using Mindfulness so you feel present
Masturbation
Prioritize Pleasure

Sometimes when we are stuck in the routine of life, or the stress of life, it’s easy to ignore our own erotic energy or the erotic fire in our relationship. Luckily it only takes a spark to start that fire (and then a little bit of energy to lovingly tend it)!



July 19, 2018

How do you want to be wooed?

romance and love

What are the things that make you feel special in a relationship?

What feels romantic?

Or flirty?

Or fun?

Or loving?

Are there things your partner used to do to make you feel loved or desired? Are there things you wish your partner would do?

People often put time and energy into wooing and romancing a potential mate as a way to get into a relationship…but then once the relationship is secured they put less energy in.

That is often when we most need that kind of attention. That is when we are dealing with the mundanity of life. We may be overwhelmed with work, kids, bills, heath concerns…that is when romance can help lift us up, remind us that we are loved and desired.

How do you know that your partner is into you or thinking about you?

Do you like –

love letters

a flirty text

a thoughtful gift

a romantic date

to be greeted with a kiss

a special look or touch

a night away

making a meal together

dancing in the living room

going out to an event together

having your partner share a song that reminds them of you

being surprised with a sexy encounter

hearing about how much you mean to them

What makes you feel loved and special? And how do you let your partner know they are loved and special too?

Just because you’ve been together “forever” doesn’t mean there isn’t room for romance or flirtation. After you’ve been together for a while that kind of energy may not always come without a little thought or effort though. That’s OK. It doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t care about you (or you don’t care about them). Life is often complex and full. Create some time and space to communicate about what you both would love and then commit to wooing each other.


Filed under: Dating,Intimacy,Love,Relationship,Romance — admin @ 8:41 am

January 19, 2018

Be Your Own Beloved: a gathering for women

be your own beloved

Nikki Weaver and I are thrilled to offer – Be Your Own Beloved!

Together we’ll explore what it means to love, honor and cherish ourselves!

One of the things we hear over and over from women is that it is so hard to prioritize yourself. Maybe you don’t have time or energy. Maybe you feel guilty or selfish. Maybe you are just too tired or depleted. Perhaps you don’t even know what it means to prioritize yourself. We get it. We know it can feel hard or even foreign to really focus on yourself (and asking you to do more than prioritize yourself, but treat yourself like you are beloved, may even feel scary!)

We also know the power of self-care, self-acceptance and self-love! We know that amazing things happen in your life when you love yourself and honor yourself. And we know the power of gathering a group of women! We know how validating and life-giving it is to sit with other women and laugh or cry or listen or share and hear, “me too!” or “You are not alone!”

Powerful things happen when we gather. Beautiful things happen when we gather. We are so excited to gather with YOU!

Together we will explore –

Self-care, self-love, self-acceptance – what do they all mean and how do you do them?

Being in your body and feeling pleasure in your body

What it means to be your own BELOVED

Light movement and exercises that will help you delight in your own body

Exercises and practices to help you honor your own wants and needs and treat yourself like the precious woman you are!

A Few Logistics –

April 21st from 11am-3pm

This event is limited to 12 women

We will have snacks and drinks

The location is NE Portland. We will send you the address after your register.

The cost is $100

Registration is closed. Subscribe to my free newsletter to receive updates about our future offerings.

What would it be like to also attend to your own wants and needs? What would it be like to prioritize yourself and your pleasure? What would it be like to be your own beloved?


November 17, 2017

Pleasure and Presence: A Gathering for Women

women's support

How do you nurture yourself during the holidays?

What happens to your self-care and self-love practice as the days get shorter and the to do lists get longer?

I know the holidays can be hard for many of us – Because of grief, or heartbreak, or overwhelm, or stress.

I know it’s easy to put yourself at the bottom of your priority list when it feels like there are so many other things that have to get done.

What would it be like to sit in a circle with other women – to feel seen, to feel understood, to share, to listen, to laugh, to connect, to slow down, to open to pleasure?

I’m so excited to be partnering with my friend, Nikki Weaver, to offer you just that!

On Sunday, December 10th we’re hosting – Pleasure and Presence: A Gathering for Women.

Together we will slow down and explore tangible ways you can be more present and explore more pleasure in your life (even during this busy season).

There will be –

Time for sharing and listening

Light movement

Exercises to help  you slow down and be in your body

And activities that will help you prioritize yourself and your pleasure even after you leave (and you will leave with a pleasure plan to help you relish the rest of this year!)

We’ll provide snacks and drinks

(and Nikki will be sending you home with a yummy scent to help you stay present and open to pleasure too)

As busy mom’s and business owners, we know how hard it can be to carve out time for yourself. We know what it’s like to feel stretched and tired and depleted. We also know the power of gathering in a group. We know how affirming it is do this work in the company of other women and hear, “me too!” or “You are not alone!” Powerful things happen when we gather. Beautiful things happen. And laughter happens too! We are looking forward to a nourishing and delight event!

Here are a few logistics –

December 10th from 4pm-6:30pm

This event is limited to 12 women

The location is NE Portland. We will send you the address after your register.

Registration is closed. Subscribe to my free newsletter to receive updates about our future offerings.

So much about this time of year focuses on taking care of others and giving to others. This workshop is an opportunity to give to yourself. This is a chance for you to slow down, let yourself receive and honor what you want and need. We are so excited to gather with you!


June 12, 2017

Does your partner know what you want?

relationship romance

Have you told your partner how you like to be seduced?

Have you shared what makes your body sing and your lips part and your back arch?

Do you ask for what you want (in and out of the bedroom)?

I hope so.

And if not, what gets in the way?

Many of the people I talk with share that they shouldn’t have to tell their partner what they want. They say it takes the romance or excitement out of it to have to say it out loud. Or they say it makes it less special if they have to ask for it.

In some ways, I think that we’ve been condition to think that. We see it in movies or read about it in books. We dream of someone who will know our body better than we even know it.

So if our partner doesn’t know how we like to be kissed or what kind of foreplay we like or how to help us have an orgasm…we get annoyed. Or we get critical. Or we shut down. We blame them for not being skilled enough or intuitive enough.

And really it’s not fair.

If I asked you to make my favorite cake but refused to tell you what kind of a cake it was or how to make it, would that be fair?

Your partner can’t read your mind.

If there is something you would like, ask for it. There is no shame in asking.

And if you don’t know what you like or what you want, take some time and let yourself be curious. Explore on your own or with your partner.

(I  also know that some people have asked for what they want and aren’t getting it. Perhaps your partner needs some sex education. Or maybe your partner needs to work on listening or remembering what you like. It’s frustrating when you have been clear about what you want and you aren’t getting it. Check in with yourself about this. Does your partner not know what you want because they aren’t paying attention? Or is it because you haven’t asked for it?)


March 27, 2017

Relationships Need Attention

Man Kissing Woman

One of the things I love most about intimate relationships is that they are a place we can be seen and loved for who we truly are. You don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to prove our worth. You can exhale and just be. It’s wonderful!

Sometimes that comfort can shift into taking a partner for granted. You know what I’m taking about, right?

You’ve had those days where you were cheery at work and provided a shoulder for your friend to cry on and you were extra patient with your child and at the end of the day you are exhausted and cranky and you snap at your partner.

Sometimes the people we love the most are the people who get the scraps at the end of the day.

Sometimes the places we feel most secure are the places we give the least attention.

There is a popular myth that relationships should be easy and self-sustaining. And while I believe that relationships can be easy and self-sustaining at times…most things in life require loving attention in order to flourish.

What about your relationship?

How do you show love and appreciation to your partner?

How do you want your partner to show you love and appreciation?

Sometimes we show love in one way but our partner wants something else. Maybe you use words to express your love, but your partner craves touch. Or perhaps you like spending time with your partner but your partner shows you love by doing things for you. Here is an activity you can do to help you both feel more loved and appreciated in your relationship.

Make a list of 10 things your partner can do to help you feel loved or appreciated.

  • Make sure the items on your list are tangible and executable (instead of “Love me”, write “Tell me you love me every day”).
  • Include a few “easy” things on your list.  (you don’t want 10 items that are similar to “plan our next vacation”, “clean the whole house”, “play a date night” – a few of these are OK, but the harder the items are the longer it will take your partner to do them and the longer it will take for you to feel loved).
  • List things positively (avoid asking for behaviors to stop, instead focus on the behaviors that will make you feel loved.  Rather than “stop spending so much money” try “create a budget with me.”)
  • Include some variety. If you feel loved by having sex then that should be on your list, but 10 items that include sex may be overwhelming for your partner. Are there other things that “count” for you?
  • If there are any hot button topics in your relationship (ie sex, money, etc) you may decide to keep these things off the list all together.
  • You can include things that already happen, things that used to happen or things that are new.

Include things that really resonate with you. What are the things that make you smile or feel warm? What are the things that make you want to tell your friends how great your partner is?

“Bring me flowers.” “Kiss me when I come home from work.” “Leave me a love note.” “Pick up my favorite treat at the store.” “Plan a date for us.” “Go on a walk with me.” “Initiate sex.” “Compliment me.”

Then share your lists with each other. Try not be defensive as you hear what your partner wants. Then post your lists somewhere that you can see them and start using them. When you want to express love, go to your partner’s list. When you feel loved and want to reciprocate, go to your partner’s list. The more love we feel, the more love we have to give.


And if you really want to infuse your relationship with loved and connection and intimacy, check out my e-course Shower Your Partner with Love.

It’s packed with videos, exercises and activities you can do with your partner. It’s also self-paced so you can do it on your own time, at your own speed and in the comfort of your own home. It’s a great way to prioritize your relationship and really show each other your care. Learn more about the course here.


January 19, 2017

Awaken the Want

Turned On FINAL sans dates - lorez

Awaken the Want
and evening of exploration and storytelling
with Isabel Abbott and Julie Jeske

an evening of heeding the hunger and permission to want
and of finding the words to speak of all the things we are told to keep quiet.
of entering into the wide range of experiences in the geography of desire and arousal,
wanting and consent, giving and receiving.

There will be time to ask and enter into your questions,
reflect on your own embodied experiences and the languages of desire.
We will be listening to the space where the body and voice connect,
and what it feels like to locate our own self in our sexuality and experiences,
We will eat delicious food and sit in a safe space and begin to tell our stories.

And we would oh so love to have you there.
Thursday, May 4th
6-9pm

Portland, OR

Registration is closed – subscribe here if you want to be informed of future events.


June 21, 2016

Treat Your Partner Like Your Lover

I know things don’t feel the same as they did when you first started your relationship. As time goes on, relationships change. They change in many wonderful ways, and sometimes they feel less exciting, less intimate, less sexy.

I made a three-minute video talking about one small way you can shift your relationship.

Take a moment. Imagine you were preparing for your lover. How would you proceed? How would your routine change? How would your energy change? How would your intention or perception shift?

Our language is powerful. How you talk about your relationship or your partner, can affect how you feel. What you call your partner, lover, spouse, mate, beloved, significant other, or better half can influence how you feel about them.

Try it.

For a week, a weekend or even day, treat your partner like you would treat your lover. Notice how you feel and notice how your lover responds to you.

Valentine Couple

If you would like 6 more tips to help you prioritize your relationship (and sex) get my free 6-page guide to help you reclaim your sex life!


December 27, 2015

What Turns You On?

aroused

What turns you on?

What excites you?

What warms your body? What makes your breath change and your chest flush?

What arouses you?

We put a lot of attention on desire. I hear from many people who are experiencing low desire. People talk about wanting to feel more desire or experience desire in a different way. What about arousal?

It’s easy to focus on desire and just stop there. I don’t feel the desire to have sex so I’m going to stop thinking about sex. I’m just going to write it off.

Here’s the thing –

If you know what turns you on, you will have a greater desire for sex.

If you know what excites you, you will be more interested in sex.

If you know what arouses you, sex is more appealing.

So what turns you on?

If you aren’t sure, focus on sensuality. What excites your senses? What do you like to see, hear, smell, taste or touch?

Pleasure is also a pathway to arousal. What feels good? What makes your breath deepen or your pulse quicken? What entices you to roll your hips or arch your back? How do you want to be kissed, licked, caressed or held?

If you aren’t sure, spend some time getting to know your body. Or focus on foreplay with a partner, what warms you up and invites you to say, “Yes!”

And know that what turns you on can change. So be curious. Explore. Stay connected to your body, your pleasure and your arousal.

You can also cultivate arousal out of the bedroom. What excites you about life? What turns you on? My post – Turned On Living my interest you.


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