Archive: Marriage

October 16, 2018

How do you tend your erotic fire?

How do you keep the romance, intimacy and passion alive in your relationship?

passionate couple

I like to call this energy your erotic fire. It’s that passionate and connecting energy between partners.

And if you know anything about a fire, it needs to be tended. It needs to be fed and cared for, because once the fire goes out completely it takes more energy to get it started again.

The erotic fire acts as a thread between sexual encounters. It can help you and your partner feel connected. If there is no erotic fire in a relationship it can take a lot of energy for one or both partner to show up sexually. Without an erotic fire it can feel like you have to go from zero to sixty when you initiate sex. With the erotic fire there is already warmth and connection there and it’s much easier to create sexual heat.

How do you tend the erotic fire in your relationship?

Do you flirt?
Send a sexy text?
Plan a romantic date or getaway?
Compliment your partner?
Take a class, read a book or go to counseling?
Make out (without the expectation of sex)?
Make time for emotional intimacy?
Snuggle?
Communicate about sex?
Woo each other?
Set aside time for just the two of you?

And what about your own erotic fire? How do you connect to your own sexual energy?

Here are some things you might try to connect to your own erotic energy.

Reading erotica
Yoga or Dance
Get to know your body and what feels good
Dressing in a way that makes you feel sexy
Practicing Sensuality
Using Mindfulness so you feel present
Masturbation
Prioritize Pleasure

Sometimes when we are stuck in the routine of life, or the stress of life, it’s easy to ignore our own erotic energy or the erotic fire in our relationship. Luckily it only takes a spark to start that fire (and then a little bit of energy to lovingly tend it)!


Filed under: Dating, Intimacy, Marriage, Pleasure, Relationship, Romance, Sensuality, Sexuality — admin @ 9:03 pm

June 12, 2017

Does your partner know what you want?

relationship romance

Have you told your partner how you like to be seduced?

Have you shared what makes your body sing and your lips part and your back arch?

Do you ask for what you want (in and out of the bedroom)?

I hope so.

And if not, what gets in the way?

Many of the people I talk with share that they shouldn’t have to tell their partner what they want. They say it takes the romance or excitement out of it to have to say it out loud. Or they say it makes it less special if they have to ask for it.

In some ways, I think that we’ve been condition to think that. We see it in movies or read about it in books. We dream of someone who will know our body better than we even know it.

So if our partner doesn’t know how we like to be kissed or what kind of foreplay we like or how to help us have an orgasm…we get annoyed. Or we get critical. Or we shut down. We blame them for not being skilled enough or intuitive enough.

And really it’s not fair.

If I asked you to make my favorite cake but refused to tell you what kind of a cake it was or how to make it, would that be fair?

Your partner can’t read your mind.

If there is something you would like, ask for it. There is no shame in asking.

And if you don’t know what you like or what you want, take some time and let yourself be curious. Explore on your own or with your partner.

(I  also know that some people have asked for what they want and aren’t getting it. Perhaps your partner needs some sex education. Or maybe your partner needs to work on listening or remembering what you like. It’s frustrating when you have been clear about what you want and you aren’t getting it. Check in with yourself about this. Does your partner not know what you want because they aren’t paying attention? Or is it because you haven’t asked for it?)


March 27, 2017

Relationships Need Attention

Man Kissing Woman

One of the things I love most about intimate relationships is that they are a place we can be seen and loved for who we truly are. You don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to prove our worth. You can exhale and just be. It’s wonderful!

Sometimes that comfort can shift into taking a partner for granted. You know what I’m taking about, right?

You’ve had those days where you were cheery at work and provided a shoulder for your friend to cry on and you were extra patient with your child and at the end of the day you are exhausted and cranky and you snap at your partner.

Sometimes the people we love the most are the people who get the scraps at the end of the day.

Sometimes the places we feel most secure are the places we give the least attention.

There is a popular myth that relationships should be easy and self-sustaining. And while I believe that relationships can be easy and self-sustaining at times…most things in life require loving attention in order to flourish.

What about your relationship?

How do you show love and appreciation to your partner?

How do you want your partner to show you love and appreciation?

Sometimes we show love in one way but our partner wants something else. Maybe you use words to express your love, but your partner craves touch. Or perhaps you like spending time with your partner but your partner shows you love by doing things for you. Here is an activity you can do to help you both feel more loved and appreciated in your relationship.

Make a list of 10 things your partner can do to help you feel loved or appreciated.

  • Make sure the items on your list are tangible and executable (instead of “Love me”, write “Tell me you love me every day”).
  • Include a few “easy” things on your list.  (you don’t want 10 items that are similar to “plan our next vacation”, “clean the whole house”, “play a date night” – a few of these are OK, but the harder the items are the longer it will take your partner to do them and the longer it will take for you to feel loved).
  • List things positively (avoid asking for behaviors to stop, instead focus on the behaviors that will make you feel loved.  Rather than “stop spending so much money” try “create a budget with me.”)
  • Include some variety. If you feel loved by having sex then that should be on your list, but 10 items that include sex may be overwhelming for your partner. Are there other things that “count” for you?
  • If there are any hot button topics in your relationship (ie sex, money, etc) you may decide to keep these things off the list all together.
  • You can include things that already happen, things that used to happen or things that are new.

Include things that really resonate with you. What are the things that make you smile or feel warm? What are the things that make you want to tell your friends how great your partner is?

“Bring me flowers.” “Kiss me when I come home from work.” “Leave me a love note.” “Pick up my favorite treat at the store.” “Plan a date for us.” “Go on a walk with me.” “Initiate sex.” “Compliment me.”

Then share your lists with each other. Try not be defensive as you hear what your partner wants. Then post your lists somewhere that you can see them and start using them. When you want to express love, go to your partner’s list. When you feel loved and want to reciprocate, go to your partner’s list. The more love we feel, the more love we have to give.


And if you really want to infuse your relationship with loved and connection and intimacy, check out my e-course Shower Your Partner with Love.

It’s packed with videos, exercises and activities you can do with your partner. It’s also self-paced so you can do it on your own time, at your own speed and in the comfort of your own home. It’s a great way to prioritize your relationship and really show each other your care. Learn more about the course here.

Filed under: Change, Communication, Dating, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Romance — admin @ 9:11 pm

June 21, 2016

Treat Your Partner Like Your Lover

I know things don’t feel the same as they did when you first started your relationship. As time goes on, relationships change. They change in many wonderful ways, and sometimes they feel less exciting, less intimate, less sexy.

I made a three-minute video talking about one small way you can shift your relationship.

Take a moment. Imagine you were preparing for your lover. How would you proceed? How would your routine change? How would your energy change? How would your intention or perception shift?

Our language is powerful. How you talk about your relationship or your partner, can affect how you feel. What you call your partner, lover, spouse, mate, beloved, significant other, or better half can influence how you feel about them.

Try it.

For a week, a weekend or even day, treat your partner like you would treat your lover. Notice how you feel and notice how your lover responds to you.

Valentine Couple

If you would like 6 more tips to help you prioritize your relationship (and sex) - get my free 6-page guide to help you reclaim your sex life!

Filed under: Desire, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Romance, Seduction, Sexuality, Video — admin @ 3:58 pm

March 3, 2015

Reinvent the Love Letter

I come from a line of letter writers. My mom, my gram and I still exchange letters. I was raised to write thank you letters. I also send letters of celebration and sympathy to the people I love. And I try to send letters “just because” to tell my friends or family I love them or are thinking of them or I think they are great.

In my office I often hear stories from people who yearn for loving words from their partner. I hear about people holding on to post it notes with a brief “I think you’re great” message or grocery lists scribbled on a scrap of paper that also include,“You’re sexy!”. I often witness one partner saying to the other, “You never give me cards anymore” or “I miss your sweet notes”.

Love letters make love stay visible. You can rub it, smell it, touch it, share it and sleep with it under your pillow. Sark

When I was last in Paris, I sent a postcard to myself as a reminder that what I want is possible.

Paris Letter

Love letters help take a snap shot of a current period of time. They can act as a reminder or memory keeper.

Love letters don’t have to include “How do I love thee, let me count the ways.” They don’t have to be long or eloquent or complicated.

Love letters can be short.

A note with a simple, “I love you!” goes a long way.

Love letters can be sexy.

Love letters don’t have to include the word love. You can write about gratitude, appreciation, what you admire or notice about a person or words of encouragement.

I’ve written about my happiness jar. The notes I put inside act as love letters to a future me. A week ago I emptied my happiness jar and read about all of the special moments I recorded. I was especially moved to find this note my mom secretly place in the jar.

Mom Note

I found this love letter almost a year after it was written!

When I’m in a relationship I like to leave little notes around the house for my partner to find. These are often brief and hidden in dvd cases or in pockets of clothing or in bathroom drawers or in the stack of dinner plates in the cupboard. Some of the notes are easy to find and are discovered in a day or two and others are found months later.

These love notes can be short -

I love your eyes.

I love the way you kiss my neck.

You are a great mother.

You inspire me.

I admire you.

I’m so lucky to be loved by you.

What about leaving love notes for your friends or family? A card can be delivered in the mail or you can leave one the next time you are visiting. I can’t wait until my next trip to Michigan. I’m going to love bomb my mom’s house!

You can also leave love notes for strangers. Leave a “Your garden is amazing!” note for the special house you walk by every day. Slip a “You are worthy” or “You are lovable” note into library books.

Write a love letter with chalk on the sidewalk.

You Are Loved

Love breeds love. Let’s start a love revolution!

Filed under: Communication, Friendship, Gratitude, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Romance — admin @ 1:05 pm

February 14, 2015

Why I’m a Fan of Valentine’s Day

Valentines Day

I’m sure it’s not a huge surprise that I’m a fan of Valentine’s Day. I believe in relationships. I cultivate romance and sensuality. I love LOVE.

I know there are a lot of people who think Valentine’s Day is silly. I know there are many people who say it’s just a commercial holiday. I’ve heard people say we shouldn’t need a holiday for love or relationships, but should rather celebrate our relationships every day. I get it. I get all of it. I even agree to some extent.

Here’s the thing. Most people don’t celebrate their partner or lover or relationship every day (even those people say we should have the spirit of Valentine’s Day every day). People are busy. People are overwhelmed. Even people who love and adore their partner, may not acknowledge their love every day.

I’m a fan of Valentine’s Day because it’s a reminder to focus on your relationship and your love. I’m a fan of Valentine’s Day because it offers accountability. Over and over in my office I’m told that people are thinking about sex or about romance because coming to see me offers accountability. In the same way that wearing a pedometer gives me accountability for my movement. Valentine’s Day reminds us to LOVE. Love your partner. Love yourself. Love your child. Love a friend. Even if you are single on Valentine’s Day, February 14th can offer a reminder to love.

Being a fan of Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean that I think you need to be extravagant or make it the best holiday ever. It doesn’t matter how you celebrate or what kinds of gifts you offer your lover. My suggestion is that you share your love today. Speak your truth. Let people know you care. Honor your relationship. Be accountable. Celebrate. Engage. LOVE.

Below are some ways you can keep the love and connection going long past Valentine’s Day -

Looking to add some romance to your life? Check out this post.

Here is a post on small ways to say, “I love you.”

My Shower Your Partner with Love PDF is a great way to keep love, romance and connection on your radar. Learn more here.

Filed under: Gratitude, Holidays, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Romance — admin @ 8:18 am

October 17, 2014

Shower Your Partner with Love is HERE!

10608969_10152619890747970_1484111546_n-2

With so many things competing for our attention, it’s easy to put your relationship on the back burner. When there are deadlines at work, wee ones tugging on your sleeve or dust bunnies the size of elephants taking over you home – showering your partner with love is often not even on your radar.

Shower Your Partner with love is three weeks dedicated to you and your partner. Three weeks of love and attention and romance and intimacy. Three weeks to take you from comfortable to connected – from after thought to after glow.

This self-study PDF is for anyone who is in a loving relationship and wants –

  • To feel more connected
  • More romance
  • To make their relationship a priority
  • More joy in their relationship
  • Greater ease with sex or talking about sex (and more pleasure, passion or connection during sex)
  • to focus on the positive in your relationship
  • Tangible ways to help your partner feel loved and for your partner to help you feel loved
  • Daily connection or shared ritual in your relationship
  • More kindness in your relationship

What we’ll cover –

  • Specific ways you feel loved and how to share them with your partner
  • Cultivating gratitude in and for your relationship
  • Creating daily connection – no more ships just passing in the night
  • Ways to interrupt negative cycles and ways to create positive ones (love begets love, passion begets passion, hope begets hope)
  • Deepening intimacy – in and out of the bedroom
  • Sex – you know I couldn’t host a class for couples without throwing sex in there!
  • Romance
  • Small things you can do to make your relationship a priority
  • Giving and Receiving
  • And More…

How it works –

The online course took place earlier this fall. You can now purchase the complete PDF that includes video, audio, writing prompts, activities and exercises. The PDF is laid out so you can complete it in three weeks or do it at your own pace. I’ve given you something to do with your partner or for your relationship each day for three weeks.

I also included a bonus 21 ways to shower your partner with love after you complete the course!

It’s a tune up for your relationship. Three weeks dedicated to your love. Three weeks where you can really focus on each other. Three weeks where you can feel adored and also adore your partner.

Cost: $59

Add to Cart

You wouldn’t expect your garden to grow without tending it. You don’t expect your car to run without filling it with gas or changing the oil. Your relationship (and your partner) will flourish when you put some energy toward it.

Filed under: Class, Communication, Gratitude, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Vulnerability — admin @ 9:40 am

October 13, 2014

Do you prioritize your relationship?

I love you blocks

  • You make sure you meet your deadlines at work, even if it means putting in extra hours.
  • You get up in the night with your sick child.
  • You put on a smile when you see your mail carrier, hair dresser, butcher or favorite barista.
  • You schedule workouts, nights with friends, doctors appointment and meeting with your child’s teacher.
  • You pick up the phone when your friend needs support.
  • You make sure to walk your dog and give him an extra pet, kiss or scratch when you come home each day.

What about your partner?

How do you prioritize your relationship?

Having a partner can feel so great. He or she can be a great anchor or constant, someone who makes your life easier.

Do you take that for granted?

How do you show your appreciation or love?

How do you let your partner know how much you value him or her?

How do you prioritize your relationship?

A relationship (just like anything) will not prioritize itself. You will need to make some effort.

  • Do you have a weekly date night?
  • Do you go away for an overnight at a hotel?
  • Do you spent 15 minutes checking in, talking or cuddling before bed?
  • Do you send loving text messages during the day?
  • Do you bring your partner a gift or a treat or a card?
  • Do you make time for each other?

How do you prioritize your relationship?

If you aren’t sure if you are prioritizing your relationship, ask your partner.

If you would like some ideas on how you can make your relationship a priority, check out these links.

Create rituals for your relationship

Recharge your relationship

Connect daily with your partner

Small ways to say “I love you”

On October 15th, the self-study version of my Shower Your Partner with Love e-course will be available. Doing this class together is a GREAT way to prioritize your relationship and help you and your partner feel loved and connected.

Filed under: Marriage, Relationship — admin @ 2:04 pm

August 15, 2014

Shower Your Partner with Love!

10608969_10152619890747970_1484111546_n-2

  • How much energy do you put into your relationship?
  • How often do you make your partner a priority?
  • How does your partner make sure you feel loved and cared for?

With so many things competing for our attention, it’s easy to put your relationship on the back burner. When there are deadlines at work, wee ones tugging on your sleeve or dust bunnies the size of elephants taking over you home – showering your partner with love is often not even on your radar.

A committed relationship offers comfort and stability. It’s nice to know someone has your back. It’s nice to know that someone will be there at the end of the day. It’s nice to be a part of a team.

It’s also easy to get a bit too comfortable. It’s easy to say “I love you” as part of a routine. It’s easy to tune out when asking about your partner’s day. It’s easy to really care about each other and still get into a rut. It’s easy to go through the motions or be on auto-pilot.

Shower Your Partner with love is 3 weeks dedicated to you and your partner. Three weeks of love and attention and romance and intimacy. Three weeks to take you from comfortable to connected – from after thought to after glow.

Couples often tell me how much they miss the “honeymoon phase.” This class won’t bring you back to that time (I can’t recreate all of the love chemicals that were going off in your brain when you first got together) but it will help you look at your partner as your LOVER rather than you co-manager or roommate. I will put your attention on the love you have for each other. I will give you ideas for ways you can turn up the volume on that love and and create some tenderness or heat in your relationship.

This class is for anyone who is in a loving relationship and wants –

  • To feel more connected
  • More romance
  • To make their relationship a priority
  • More joy in their relationship
  • Greater ease with sex or talking about sex (and more pleasure, passion or connection during sex)
  • to focus on the positive in your relationship
  • Tangible ways to help your partner feel loved and for your partner to help you feel loved
  • Daily connection or shared ritual in your relationship
  • More kindness in your relationship

What we’ll cover –

  • Specific ways you feel loved and how to share them with your partner
  • Cultivating gratitude in and for your relationship
  • Creating daily connection – no more ships just passing in the night
  • Ways to interrupt negative cycles and ways to create positive ones (love begets love, passion begets passion, hope begets hope)
  • Deepening intimacy – in and out of the bedroom
  • Sex – you know I couldn’t host a class for couples without throwing sex in there!
  • Romance
  • Small things you can do to make your relationship a priority
  • Giving and Receiving
  • And More…

How it works –

You will received an email every week day from September 8th – September 26th. The emails will include video, audio, writing prompts, activities and exercises. I’ll share tangible ways you can shower your partner with love (the beautiful thing is that you partner will get the same email and be showering you right back with love!).

For 3 weeks you will receive multiple ways and ideas to cultivate love in your relationship.

It’s a tune up for your relationship. 3 weeks dedicated to your love. 3 weeks where you can really focus on each other. 3 weeks where you can feel adored and also adore your partner.

After the 3 weeks you will receive a PDF version of all the material and you can revisit it on your own at any time.

Cost

$59 per couple

This class is currently full. The PDF will be available for purchase in October.

You wouldn’t expect your garden to grow without tending it. You don’t expect your car to run without filling it with gas or changing the oil. Your relationship (and your partner) will flourish when you put some energy toward it.

There are so many things competing for your attention – give yourself and your partner the gift of 3 weeks where you both are showered with love!


July 11, 2014

How Important is Sex?

couple having sex

The majority of my clients come to see me because they want to have more sex or a different kind of sex. Often couples come because one partner wants sex but the other one isn’t as interested.

Things get tricky in a relationship when one person wants something more than they other person. Especially when that “thing” they want is sex. Sometimes one partner will tell me they would be content without ever having sex again. The other person is often pained to hear this and will counter by saying without sex they feel like they are roommates or siblings and that for them sex is the thing that defines a marriage or a romantic relationship.

How important is sex?

I’m sure it’s no surprise that I think sex is important. My work focuses on sex and intimacy. But I don’t think it’s the most important thing in a relationship. I also think the importance depends on the relationship. The importance of sex depends on how much you and your partner value sex.

How important is sex?

It depends.

If a couple say they both don’t care about sex and are content without it, who am I to judge? Some people value exercise, some people value family, some people value time alone, some people value travel, some people value work, some people value hobbies, some people value rest, some people value sex. If sex isn’t important to you or your partner, that is OK.

Are you content in a relationship without sex?

Sometimes avoiding sex isn’t just about a disinterest in sex. Sometimes sex is withheld because of anger or disappointment or to punish a partner. Sometimes sex is avoided because of grief or sadness or pain or trauma. Sometimes sex is avoided because of shame or discomfort or embarrassment Sometimes sex isn’t just about sex. Are there other areas of your relationship to explore or shift?

Sex becomes important when both people value it or when one person wants it more than the other.

Here are some questions to help you explore your relationship with sex –

Do you think sex is important?

What does sex give you?

What does sex mean to you?

How does sex feel?

What make sex different than other things you do?

Why do you do sex?

If you don’t want sex, is there anything that would make it more desirable for you?

(These are great questions to share with your partner. The answers may surprise you)

Sex isn’t one size-fits-all. Sex doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone.

How important is sex to you?

Filed under: Marriage, Relationship, Sexuality — admin @ 1:41 pm

Older Posts »