Archive: Newsletter

May 15, 2013

Breaking up in the age of Social Media

Breaking up is hard to do!  And in the age of social media, it can be even more complicated (and public!).  When you relationship status goes from “in a relationship” to “it’s complicated” or “single” you are opening yourself up to a lot of questions or feedback.  You also have to decide if you still want to be friends (facebook friends, that is).

I was recently interviewed by KGW for a story about some apps geared toward break ups and social media.  You can watch the segment here.

Whether you decide to stay friends or erase your ex from your life, breaking up can be really hard.  Here are some resources for mending your heart and getting on with your life.

Life after a break up.

Recovering from a break up.

My May newsletter is about dating in the digital age.  You can view it here.  What to get future newsletters directly in your inbox?  Subscribe here.

Filed under: Communication,Dating,Newsletter,Self-care — admin @ 10:04 am

December 26, 2012

What are you waiting for?

  • One day I’ll…
  • I’ll start working out January 1st…
  • I can’t do that until…

What are you waiting for?

My December Newsletter asks the question, “What is getting in the way of your life?”

Are you waiting for –

  • more money?
  • to lose weight?
  • the kids to grow up?
  • a better job?
  • more education?
  • an illness to get under control?
  • to feel better?
  • to be happy?
  • a bigger house?
  • the right time?

If you are waiting for the ideal time to do something you may be waiting for a LONG time!  If you are waiting for the ideal situation, it might not ever present itself.

What are you waiting for?

What are you putting off right now?

What would happen if you took a step forward right now (even if it’s not the ideal time, you aren’t the ideal weight, it’s not January 1st, etc).

What are you waiting for?

Filed under: Change,Newsletter — admin @ 3:52 pm

November 17, 2012

Relationship Problems? Marriage or a Baby Won’t Fix Them!

marriage

  • Are you feeling a little stagnant in your relationship?
  • Have you been fighting and wondering what will make things better?
  • Are you bored and wanting to kick start some excitement?
  • Are you hoping taking things to the next level will make your partner commit or make you feel more secure?

Marriage or a Baby won’t make these things better. If you have difficulties in your relationship, marriage or a baby will not make them go away (in fact your problems would probably get bigger).  Marriage or a baby can bring stress into even the most secure and loving relationships.

Marriage is hard…and wonderful…and hard…and wonderful.

Being a parent is hard…and wonderful…and hard…and wonderful.

If you are feeling good about your relationship and feel ready to take things to the “next level,” great!  Intentionally deepening your commitment or intimacy is a wonderful thing. It gets tricky when you use marriage or a baby to try to “save” your relationship.  If things are feeling rocky you might ask yourself if you want to make things better or if it’s time to leave your relationship. My September Newsletter answers the question, “When should you leave your relationship?  You can read it here.  If you are feeling conflict or uncertainty, you might also consider couples counseling.  You can absolutely improve your relationship! There is not a magic solution to make your relationship better.  It takes time, energy, work, effort, patience and love.You can make things better.  It’s just really hard to add something that can be stressful (marriage, a baby, buying a house) to a relationship that is already under stress.

Filed under: Intimacy,Marriage,Newsletter,Relationship — admin @ 6:39 pm

September 27, 2012

Surrender Verses Control

surrender

My July newsletter was about surrendering. I feel like I’ve had a lot of experience with this theme in the past year. When my dad was diagnosed with cancer I quickly learned there isn’t much I can do other than love him and support him in any way I can. When my little breech baby wouldn’t turn, my dream of a hypnobirthing birth quickly changed to a cesarean. I say quickly, but I fought the “surrender” on this one trying anything I could to get her to turn.

And almost 8 weeks after her birth I’m flying to the Midwest for a family wedding. Surrender again comes to mind. Don’t get me wrong, i am prepared…but I also need to just show up and see what happens. Surrender isn’t giving up…but there is a letting go.

Letting go of strong expectations.

Letting go of control.

As I’m flying today, I’m trusting things will go well, but also remembering this is just 6 hours of my life if it’s hard. If I didn’t surrender I might have a strong idea of how things should go…and if they didn’t go that way I might be really upset. Surrendering brings some peace.

Is there something you are trying to force in your life? Are you trying to control a relationship or force someone else’s behavior? What would happen if you loosened your grasp a bit? It can feel scary to let go and accept and trust. As someone who is in the other side, I can tell you it feels much better than trying to control the incontrollable.

PS – We made it through our day of travel!  It went much better than I could ever imagine.  Hooray for surrender!

Filed under: Change,Newsletter — admin @ 7:39 am

September 19, 2012

Be Your Own Best Lover

self love card

In my August newsletter, I wrote about the idea that someone else should be able to show you what feels good sexually.  Some people have a fantasy that someone will come along and “fix” any sexual difficulty they might have.  They wish someone could teach them how to have an orgasm.  They hope this magical person could help them maintain they erection.  They are waiting for the “right” person to unlock their pleasure, passion or desire.

While it’s certainly possible (and quite pleasurable) to find an intuitive lover (someone who can read your body) – it’s not the best way to learn what is most pleasurable.  The best way to learn what works for you and your body is find out for yourself.  Take some time to get to know your body.  Experiment with touch.  You can do this on your own or with a partner (if you are with your partner make sure you are in the driver’s seat).

Set the mood

  • Make sure the room is warm enough and the lighting feels good to you.
  • You may want to take a shower or bath first.
  • You might like a glass of wine to help you relax.
  • Look at yourself in a mirror – your whole body – objectively.  Don’t dwell on the things you hate, really see yourself.  If you are with your partner, let yourself be seen as well (this can feel very vulnerable or intense).
  • Get to know your body.  Take some lotion or oil and rub it over your body.  Again don’t focus on (or avoid) the places you hate.  Pay attention to your whole body.  Experiment with touch and pressure.  Make a note of what feels good.  If you do this with a partner, take turns giving and receiving and share feedback about what feels good.

The first time you do the above exercise don’t try to “get off”, focus on getting to know your body – truly knowing it.  With time you can turn up the heat on the exercise and try to turn yourself on and experience pleasure.

Being your own best lover doesn’t just apply in the bedroom.

  • Treat yourself with loving care.
  • Take yourself on a date.
  • Speak kindly to (and about) yourself.
  • See yourself through compassionate eyes.
  • Be gentle with yourself.

Be your own best friend and your own best lover!

Need a little help figuring out how to be your own best lover in the bedroom?  Check out my online class – “You Don’t Have to be a Sexy Tiger: Discover YOUR Sexual Self!”

Filed under: Newsletter,Pleasure,Self-love,Sexual Being,Sexuality — admin @ 7:52 pm

August 10, 2012

How Can I Improve My Marriage – Part 2

Improve your marriage

Earlier this week I wrote that you can always change your mind.  While that is true, there may also be times you don’t want to change your mind, but rather want to make things work.  When it comes to your relationship, it might feel easier to just change your mind.  Before you walk away ask yourself, “How can I improve my situation?”  (This question doesn’t just apply to your relationship but can be useful for any decision you are making).

It might be easier to think about how your partner can improve your relationship.

  • If only he would listen to me.
  • If only she initiated sex.
  • If only he helped out around the house or with the kids.
  • If only she didn’t nag so much.

The reality is that you can’t change your partner.  And your partner might not want to change.  What can YOU do to improve your relationship?  How might you interact or connect differently?  People can change, but they have to be willing.  If your partner sees you making an effort he or she may do the same.

Get clear about what you really want (in your relationship or with any decision you are making).  Is it possible to get what you want in your current situation? If not, is there a way you can get it?  Or do you need to leave? (leave the relationship or the job or the living situation etc.)

Pay attention to your relationship expectations. If you assume relationships don’t take any work, then you might be tempted to leave the first time things feel hard.  Marriage is not easy. Being single is not easy. Relationships are not easy. My June Newsletter – Some Thoughts on Marriage offers more information about different aspects of marriage.

There is no recipe or road map for the perfect relationship. It’s up to your to define what you want and then strive toward it.

Filed under: Change,Communication,Marriage,Newsletter,Relationship — admin @ 11:55 am

June 7, 2012

Pregnancy and Your Body

My May newsletter is about Body Image. You can view it here.

It was inspired by a TV segment I did about women and bathing suits and by my own feelings about my body as it shifts with pregnancy.

And then a week ago I made a video for my Heart Centered Sexuality retreat.

When I watched the video I was shocked by how I felt looking at myself on camera.  Have you ever heard your voice on a recording and been surprised by how it sounded?  That’s how I felt when I saw myself at 30 weeks of pregnancy.  I’ve been talking with and listening to many pregnant women lately and I’m noticing how we talk about pregnancy and body image.

It hurts my heart to hear how many women call themselves “fat.” It’s not just the women who are using these terms, but I’m hearing that partners and family members are also commenting on how “huge” some pregnant women are or they are comparing them to other pregnant women as it if it is a one size fits all experience.

Some women LOVE being pregnant and feel great about the way their body is changing.  They feel sexy and curvy and glowing. Others struggle with the changes and feel big or unattractive or sick or uncomfortable.  It can be especially hard for women who have struggled with weight or body image in the past. Imagine spending years or decades trying to manage your weight (or lose weight) and now being told you should gain about 30 pounds.

Not only does your body look different, it may feel different.  You may move differently.  You may respond to smells, touch and food differently.  You may experience pleasure differently.  There are so many physical changes happening (and then there are hormones and feelings and fears and excitement).

Please be gentle with yourself. Do your best to turn down the volume on your inner critic and turn up the volume on self-loveIf you are looking for specific steps you can take to love your body, check out my May Newsletter. You may also enjoy these posts about body image.

You have curves, embrace them!

Is your body image impacting your relationship?

Treat your body well.

Filed under: Body-Image,Newsletter,Pregnancy — admin @ 6:12 pm

April 19, 2012

How Much Work Should You Put into Your Relationship?

My March Newsletter was about relationships taking work.  Sometimes relationships are hard.  They take energy.  They can be tiring.  In the newsletter I list all sorts of ideas on ways you can put energy and love into your relationship.  Relationships are not self-sustaining, you need to cultivate them in order for them to thrive and grow.  It can be tricky to know how much work is “normal” or “healthy.”  How do you know if you are putting work into a relationship that just isn’t working?

Here are some questions to ask yourself –

  • Am I the only one putting in any effort?
  • How do I feel about myself in this relationship?
  • What would I tell a friend or loved one in this situation?
  • How often am I enjoying myself in this relationship?
  • How loved do I feel in this relationship?
  • How do my family or friends feel about my relationship?

(Please note that I am not referring to situations where abuse is involved.  If that is your situation, please get the professional help and support you need to make sure you are safe.)

Whether or not you decide to stay in a relationship is up to you.  You are the only one who can know what is truly best for you.  Know that relationships do take work, but they also don’t take so much work that you are miserable.  Find a balance (and a relationship) that works for you.

Filed under: Newsletter,Relationship — admin @ 3:23 pm

March 23, 2012

You can be Sexual without having Sex

In my February newsletter I wrote about times that Sex Isn’t Sexy. In life there are times that other things trump sex.  There are times that sex feels frustrating, unsatisfying and impossible.  There are also times that you might not be physically or emotionally able to have sex.  You may choose not to be sexual at all.  You also have the option of being sexual without having sex.

Here are some ways you might be sexual without having sex.

  • Practice Sensuality
  • Take a sensual bath or shower together.
  • Have a sensual picnic.
  • Make out
  • Fool around with your clothes on
  • Give each other sexy massages
  • Enjoy some mutual masturbation
  • Please each other orally
  • Talk about sex

Talking about sex IS sexual intimacy.  If you are having difficulty with sex you might avoid talking about it.  You might feel shame or guilt or embarrassment.  Talking can ease those feelings.  Talking can also help you come up with options for being sexual in a way that feels good to both of you.

My March newsletter – Relationships Take Work – hits in-boxes in a couple days.  Subscribe here and it will be delivered directly to you.

Filed under: Intimacy,Newsletter,Sensuality,Sexuality — admin @ 9:55 pm

February 4, 2012

Perfection or Bust!

Are you killing yourself trying to be the perfect parent, partner, sibling, daughter, worker, crafter, friend, or lover?

Is your perfectionism serving you?

Perhaps it is inspiring you to aim high…and maybe it’s just causing you to pull out your hair (or feel like a loser when you don’t reach your goals).

My January Newsletter is about “All or Nothing” thinking.

It’s OK to slow down, to be flexible, to take small sustainable steps toward a goal.  Try to find a balance in your behavior.  Rest and work, study and play, indulgence and moderation – where is the balance?  Being perfect is an extreme – “All or Nothing” is extreme – and extreme behavior is hard to maintain

If you are ready to let go of your perfectionism, your grand gestures, or your all or nothing thinking – these posts may appeal to you.

Self-judgment doesn’t serve you!

Lower Your Bar

Stop Comparing and Start Living!

Small Ways to Say, “I love you.”

Filed under: Change,Newsletter — admin @ 6:16 pm

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