Are you killing yourself trying to be the perfect parent, partner, sibling, daughter, worker, crafter, friend, or lover?
Is your perfectionism serving you?
Perhaps it is inspiring you to aim high…and maybe it’s just causing you to pull out your hair (or feel like a loser when you don’t reach your goals).
My January Newsletter is about “All or Nothing” thinking.
It’s OK to slow down, to be flexible, to take small sustainable steps toward a goal. Try to find a balance in your behavior. Rest and work, study and play, indulgence and moderation – where is the balance? Being perfect is an extreme – “All or Nothing” is extreme – and extreme behavior is hard to maintain
If you are ready to let go of your perfectionism, your grand gestures, or your all or nothing thinking – these posts may appeal to you.
Self-judgment doesn’t serve you!
Lower Your Bar
Stop Comparing and Start Living!
Small Ways to Say, “I love you.”
This time of year invites reflection and resolutions. Less than 2 weeks into the new year, many people are still gung-ho about the changes they are finally going to make this year. The year of weight loss! The year of finding a relationship! The year of getting a dream job! In my December Newsletter, I wrote about the importance of looking forward and looking back in order to define what you want in your life.
Here are some things to think about if you are ready to make 2012 the year of your best relationship, yet!
- Learn from past experience - What has worked (or hasn’t worked) in past relationships?
- Focus on changes you can make (not changes you want from your partner) – What can YOU do to make your relationship better?
- Have realistic expectations – Relationships take work. Know the difference between work that’s worth doing and when you should walk away from a relationship.
- Get the help or support you need - You don’t need to be in crisis to benefit from a class, book or counseling. Use your resources to help make your relationship stronger and more satisfying.
- Be true to yourself- When you honor who you are and what you want, you show up more fully in your relationship. Let 2012 be the year you have a wonderful relationship with yourself first!
Here are some other ways you can focus on your relationship.
Make your relationship a priority
Make a sex date!
Fight Fairly
Increase Intimacy With Yourself
Make gratitude a regular part of your relationship!
My January Newsletter is about All or Nothing thinking or actions (do you find yourself behaving in ways that are “all or nothing” when it comes to those resolutions?) You can sign up for my newsletter here.
What are the most important ingredients in a relationship?
Love? Respect? Sexual Chemistry? Shared Interests? Common Values? Empathy? Understanding?
What about Validation? Validation doesn’t mean you always think your partner is right…it means you are honoring his experience. When you validate your partner, you show you care!
For more information about validation check out my November Newsletter “Validation is Important for Your Relationship!”
So often when working with couples I hear from one partner who wants more alone time (or time with friends) or one partner who wants more quality with their partner. Learning to navigate time together and time apart can take a while. There is no magic number of hours that each couple should spend together. Keep in mind that if you or your partner feel smothered, that will impact your relationship. If you or your partner feel ignored or lonely, that will impact your relationship. More than that, feeling smothered or ignored will most likely negatively affect your sex life.
For tips on balancing Me and We, check out my October Newsletter: Balancing Independence and a Relationship.
If you want to receive my next month’s newsletter, subscribe here.
Are you overwhelmed by all of the sadness or hardship in the world? Maybe you are going through a personal or family struggle. Maybe you just feel sad.
My September newsletter – How can you focus on sex when there is so much sadness in the world? – can be read here.
Want to receive my monthly newsletter directly in your inbox? Subscribe here.
My monthly newsletter turned a year old this summer! During the past year I’ve gotten wonderful feedback and support from my newsletter subscribers. So I asked myself, “What can I do for them?” In the past I’ve posted my newsletter on my blog or my facebook page after it hit inboxes.
This month I want to give my subscribers a special treat!
I will be announcing a new, super exciting women’s workshop/group that I am creating for this fall. My newsletter subscribers will get the very first chance to register for the group. I will announce the group on my website next month. I will not be posting this month’s newsletter anywhere. It is going out Thursday morning and will go directly to subscribers’ inboxes and that’s it. If you want to receive my newsletter, you can subscribe here.
Thank you so much for your support! I love sending you information on increasing intimacy, living lusciously and spicing up your sex life! And I can’t wait to tell you about about the new group I am creating!
I’m thinking a lot about life and my own personal “best” life. What does it look like? What do I want to invite into my life? What do I want to let go of? I know that MY best life is different than YOUR best life. What does your best life look like? What will it take for you to live your best life? What will it take to live life by your own rules?
My May Newsletter is about this very topic. You can see the whole newsletter here.
Sometimes my best life changes day by day. Today’s best life is to have breakfast at a cafe, relax, do some writing, hang out with my love. Tomorrow’s best life is to do some sightseeing and visit some museums. When I get home my best life will include work, spending time with friends and snuggling with my dogs. On this trip I am learning the importance of flexibility and doing what feels best in the moment. Best is subjective. Best doesn’t just mean different things to different people, it means different things on different days. How are you living life by your own rules today?
“How often do most couples have sex?” That is the question I get asked most in my practice. People want to make sure they are measuring up to the “norm.” Sometimes the “norm” gets skewed. We see in magazines or in movies that people are having “mind-blowing sex” every time they make love! How can someone live up to that? It can feel a little intimidating. This idea inspired the topic for my April Newsletter – The most wonderful, fabulous, perfectly sexy, hot sex Every Single Time. Check it out. I hope after reading it you will be a little gentler with your expectations of yourself.
I see people comparing themselves outside of the bedroom too. People compare themselves as parents, co-workers and lovers. People look to celebrities for fashion, hairstyles and body types. Healthy comparison can be inspiring. If you see someone else doing something it might help you realize you can do the same thing (or more). It becomes unhealthy when you start to feel awful about yourself. It becomes harmful when you start to feel you can’t measure up. Finding a balance between loving yourself and looking to others for inspiration is important. I talked about this on Studio 6 a couple weeks ago. You can watch the video here.
You don’t have to be a carbon copy of someone else to be wonderful! You are you! We all have our own needs, wants, desires, gifts and talents. That is what makes you so wonderfully YOU! So instead of wondering what some celebrity is wearing or how often your neighbor has sex, think about what YOU want or need. It’s time to stop comparing yourself to others and start living YOUR life!
My January Newsletter went out this week. If you would like to see it in it’s original format, you can see it here. The main content is listed below -
I stopped making New Year’s Resolutions a few years ago. I was tired of pledging to do the same resolutions year after year. Each year I told myself I would lose weight or eat better or floss and each year I would be gung ho in the beginning of the year and then forget my resolutions as “real life” got busy. A major shift happened when I realized that if something is really important to me I can do it any time of the year (not just on January 1st). What a trip to join a gym in April and not have to fight the crowds to get on a machine!
I’m not trying to blast resolutions. I think there is something special about letting go of the past year and looking forward to a new one. I’m just not a fan of the word “resolutions”. There is something about it that feels punishing or temporary (how many years have you recycled the same resolutions over and over again, only to break them each year?) Instead I like thinking of intentions, wishes or goals. I think of intentions as an energy, something I can focus on without feeling guilty if I don’t make it happen every single day. If you slack on your resolutions do you start over or do you just forget them? With an intention (for example “I’m going to focus on health this year) it’s easy to keep focus on it even if you “mess up” one day. Intentions can be really helpful for your relationship. What do you want to focus on as a couple? What changes would you like to make? Here is some information on setting relationship intentions.
This year I did something different. I chose a few words that I want to focus on rather than making very rigid resolutions or intentions. I have a short list of words that are on my radar for the year. One of the words is “nourishment.” Instead of having a resolution that I won’t eat or won’t do certain things, I just think of my word. As I’m making decisions I ask myself, “Is this nourishing?” I also check in with myself regularly, “What kind of nourishment would feel good?” Nourishment can take all sorts of forms (self care, exercise, time with friends, a date, a nap etc.).
Now that January is almost over, where are you with your 2011 resolutions, intentions or wishes? Have you given them up? Are you making headway? If you’ve given up on your resolutions or they are starting to feel a little overwhelming, you might just pick a word instead. What do you really want in your life? What one thing would make a difference? What are you yearning for? What is your word (or words) for 2011?
My thoughts have been consumed by holiday preparations and expectations. I have visions of sugarplums and decorations and shopping and presents and traditions and baking. I’ve also being thinking about Santa Claus. I’ve been thinking about that jolly fellow who brings Christmas presents without expecting anything in return (except of course, good behavior). I’ve also been thinking about the idea that “there is no such thing as a free lunch.” What happened to doing something nice, just for the sake of doing something nice?
I remember having a conversation with a friend years ago where I mentioned I was frustrated that I had waved to let a driver into a lane of traffic and he had not given me a “thank you” wave in return. I probably went so far as to call that driver, “rude!” My friend replied saying, “I don’t let people into my lane of traffic expecting anything in return, I do it because it’s the right thing to do.” Hmmm…what would the world be like if we stopped doing things in order to get something in return, but rather just because it’s the right thing to do?
Think about your relationship, your family, your workplace, interactions with strangers…what can you give without expecting anything in return? So often, when working with couples, I hear that one partner is unwilling to do something until his or her partner does the same. I see people suck in a stalemate where each person is waiting. What if you stopped waiting? What if you took the first move? Perhaps it will be the only move…but it will be movement.
Here are some ways you might give without expectations –
Do the dishes without expecting a “thank you”
Shovel someone’s sidewalk
Give an anonymous gift
Say you are sorry and mean it
Please your partner sexually without expecting anything in return
Send a card to a friend telling her you appreciate her
Volunteer
This season you may be dreaming of sugarplums or consumed with an endless to do list. You may be overworked or reveling in the magic of the season. Wherever you are, however you feel, think about what you can give without any expectations. If we all gave a little more, can you imagine what the world (and your relationship) would be like?!?
My December Newsletter focuses on Giving Without Expectations. You can view it in it’s original form here.
