Sometimes people come to my office because they have questions about sex or they want to make their sex more pleasurable, more exciting or just want it to feel “better.” I often hear, “I feel like I should know this by now” or “I feel too old to be asking this…” It doesn’t matter if they are 23, 43 or 63 – they all feel they should know it all by now.
Here’s the thing about sex. It is not a destination you reach.It is not something you figure out “once and for all.” It’s not even static (who you are sexually changes!). There is always more to learn about sex! And just because you don’t know EVERYTHING about sex, doesn’t mean you are a lousy lover. PRETENDING to know everything about sex or not learning more about sex because you are embarrassed or afraid probably does negatively impact your sexual experience.
If you are looking for more information about sex, here are some resources.
Talk with a sex therapist, counselor or educator. There doesn’t have to be something “wrong” with your sex life for you to go get some support. You don’t even have to go long term. Going to 1-3 sessions may give you enough information to take your sex life from “so-so” to “So Great!”
Read a book about sex and relationships.
Attend a class or workshop. If you are in the Portland Area, She Bop is a great resource.
Visit your local sex toy store. Talking with the staff and seeing books, videos and toys up close and personal can be very helpful.
Watch a video. There are plenty of “how to” videos out there.
You can also talk to your partner and explore this together.
There is no shame in wanting to improve your sex life or learn more about what pleases you or your partner. Get yourself some sex education. I’m betting your homework will be really fun!
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Or is it?
Now is the time when people often become overwhelmed with mile long To Do lists. People start running around decorating and over-schedule their planners with holiday engagements. Not only is it hard to find time to focus on your relationship…but relationships are often a source of stress this time of year!
If you and your partner have conflicting views on how (or where) to celebrate the holidays the following video offers some solutions.
Remember what is most important this time of year. Remember what is most important in your life. The holidays don’t have to be stressful. It’s truly up to you.
What are the most important ingredients in a relationship?
Love? Respect? Sexual Chemistry? Shared Interests? Common Values? Empathy? Understanding?
What about Validation? Validation doesn’t mean you always think your partner is right…it means you are honoring his experience. When you validate your partner, you show you care!
What do you and your partner talk about? What do you fight about?
Are you in a relationship where you feel like strangers because you don’t share your thoughts or feelings?
Perhaps you get along really well, never fight and feel very connected. If you go deeper though, maybe you have learned to avoid certain topics that could cause fights (sex, money, infidelity, past hurts, disappointments).
Just because you and your partner don’t fight or argue, doesn’t mean you communicate perfectly.
If there are things you avoid talking about, they can eventually create a wall between the two of you. It can feel scary or vulnerable to start talking about those touchy subjects, however those conversations with help you increase your intimacy.
If it feels risky or overwhelming, start slowly. You can designate an evening or even 30 minutes to talk about one of your hot button topics. You can set up some ground rules beforehand (if you are worried about getting in a fight). The more you talk about those scary topics, the less scary they become. It’s like shame or being scared of the dark – shine the light on them (or talk about them) and they aren’t so scary!
Want a little help getting those conversations going?
Get your dream job and feel so unbelievably grateful!
Your partner buys you a really special gift and you may find yourself beaming!
Avoid a car accident and you may feel relief and gratitude wash over you!
What about every day gratitude? What about appreciation for the small things?
What about gratitude for things that you just expect. Are you grateful for hot water? Are you grateful for the daily kiss or hug you get from your partner?
What might you be taking for granted?
Just because your partner ALWAYS takes the trash out, doesn’t mean you can’t be grateful for that. Just because your partner has always turned you on and pleased you sexually doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be appreciative. Sometimes when we stop expressing gratitude or appreciation we started expecting things or we take them for granted. If you have ever felt unappreciated or taken for granted, you know how painful that can be.
Take a little inventory of your life. For what are you grateful? What would you hate to do without? What would you really miss if it was gone? Who would you really miss if they were gone?
There is no magic way to mend your broken heart. It takes time, energy and loving support.
Allow yourself the time you need to grieve and mourn. You aren’t weak or wimpy if you feel sad after ending a relationship. If you run from your feelings, they will catch up with you!
When you are ready, look at your relationship (the REAL relationship, not what you hoped it would be). After you have evaluated what really happened, think about what you really want in your life and what you want in the future. Describe your ideal relationship. What is really important to you? What are you willing to settle for? Get clear about it so that you don’t walk blindly into your next partnership.
Let me say this one more time (just in case you are beating up on yourself and feeling like you need to speed up your process).
Take Your Time!
Let Yourself Grieve!
Don’t Ignore Your Feelings!
Ask For Support!
Then, when you are ready you can think about moving forward (only when YOU are ready though, there is no need to rush this process).
Here is more information about recovering after a break up -
So often when working with couples I hear from one partner who wants more alone time (or time with friends) or one partner who wants more quality with their partner. Learning to navigate time together and time apart can take a while. There is no magic number of hours that each couple should spend together. Keep in mind that if you or your partner feel smothered, that will impact your relationship. If you or your partner feel ignored or lonely, that will impact your relationship. More than that, feeling smothered or ignored will most likely negatively affect your sex life.
So often I talk with people who want more foreplay, want their partner to be more dominant or want to feel desired by their partner.
While all of these are certainly worthy wishes, they are abstract and might be hard for a partner to do without more information.
When you want something from your partner (in the bedroom or out of the bedroom) be explicit. The more specific you are about your desires, the easier it will be for your partner to meet them.
If you are asking for more foreplay, make sure you paint a picture of what you want. Do you want more kissing? Do you want oral sex? Maybe want you really want is verbal affirmations or flirting.
If you want your partner to be dominant, tell him what dominance looks like. Do you want him to grab you from behind? Do you want him to tell you what to do? Do you want him to tie you up or spank you?
If you want to feel desired, you need to share what will make you feel desired. Is it a look? A touch? Certain words?
If you want your partner to talk dirty, what kind of words do you want him to use?
If you want your partner to be more loving, what will make you feel loved?
The only way to get exactly what you want is to share exactly what it looks like. Do your partner a favor and be explicit about your desire. Do yourself a favor and be explicit about your desires!
Love letters make love stay visible. You can rub it, smell it, touch it, share it and sleep with it under your pillow. Sark
Have you ever received a love letter? How did it make you feel? You might be thinking that love letters are silly or “old-fashioned.” The truth is love letters can make your beloved feel valued and cherished.
There was a time when love letters were more common and even necessary to share your feelings (if distance got in the way of face to face contact). Now people may rely on the phone, text messages or even facebook to share their feelings. All of those things can be great, I would still recommend trying a love letter. You can come up with fun ways to adapt a love letter, like leaving notes around the house, or even recording a message of love, I still think an old-fashioned love letter can pack a lot of punch!
The purpose of a love letter is to tell that special someone what they mean to you. Here are a few ways to start your love letter.
Tell your partner what you love about her.
Share what made you fall in love.
Write about how your partner makes you feel.
Write about your favorite memories.
Fantasize about future moments you want to create and share.
If you feel uncertain about expressing yourself, find a love poem or a sonnet and use that for inspiration.
Love letters are great for a special occasion and can be even more powerful when sent (or given) for no reason at all! Break out some parchment and a quill and tell your lover just how much she means to you!
Are you looking for more help in the romance department? Check out these posts.
“When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you
don’t blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not
doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or
less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have
problems with our friends or family, we blame the other
person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will
grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive
effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason
and argument. That is my experience. No blame, no
reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you
understand, and you show that you understand, you can
love, and the situation will change”
