Archive: Self-care

December 9, 2011

I’ll have a blue christmas without you!

Sad during the holidaysFor many the holidays are a time of joy, frivolity and celebration.  For others, this time of cheer and mistletoe really brings home feelings of loneliness or grief.

The holiday season can be really hard if you’ve recently gone through a break up. Cozy evenings, holiday parties and fantasies about special gifts you were going to exchange might make you miss your ex even more.

The holidays can be hard if you have been single for a while and really want to be partnered. Seeing couples connecting over a mug of cocoa (or eggnog) might really highlight how lonely you feel.

This time of year can feel unbearable if you are grieving the loss of a loved one or have a sick family member. You may find your thoughts consumed by memories of past holidays.  Or your heart may be breaking as you realize new memories won’t be created this year.  If you may be losing someone in the next year, you may be trying to “make” this the best holiday ever!

If you are struggling with sadness this holiday season, you are not alone (even though you may feel like it!)  The holidays can be very hard for many people.

Here are some ways to cope.

  • Get some support! Talk to a therapist, friend, family member or pastor.  Join a support group.  Talk with someone who has experienced a similar loss.  Make sure you are expressing your feelings.
  • Find some comfort! What would make you feel even a tiny bit better?  Get a massage.  Buy yourself a special gift.  Create new rituals for yourself.
  • Have realistic expectations. If you are struggling this holiday season, it probably won’t be the best holiday ever!  It’s OK to have ups and downs.  Can you just show up each day and see what happens?
  • Choose when to stay home and when to participate. If going to your friend’s holiday party will only make you feel more alone, let yourself stay home.  On the other hand, if staying home for the 7th time this week is going to make you feel horribly lonely, go out!
  • Don’t force yourself to be cheery and don’t force yourself to be miserable. Let yourself feel your feelings!  You may be sad and that’s OK.  You may also be surprised at how cheery you feel (even when you are grieving).  That’s OK too.

Take extra care of yourself if the holidays are hard.  Practicing self-care can help.  Even if you feel alone, you don’t have to be lonely.  Get the support you need.

Filed under: Emotions, Family, Holidays, Relationship, Self-care, Support — admin @ 9:02 am

November 10, 2011

Say It Out LOUD!

nruboc070100158_blog

Is there something you want in your life?  Are you holding it close to your chest, keeping it safe, hoping it will happen?  It can be helpful to protect your wishes or inner thoughts at times.  However, there are other situations where speaking your wishes out loud might help them come true.

What declaration are you ready to make in your life?

  • Are you ready for a new job?
  • Do you want to make money doing something you love?
  • Are you ready to be loved and respected the way you deserve?
  • Are you ready to truly love yourself?
  • Do you want more in your relationship?
  • Would you like some love and support?

What’s keeping you from saying what you want? Are you worried people will judge you?  Are you afraid of looking foolish?  I can’t promise you that everyone will love what you have to say.  I do know that when you say what you want, it can be more likely to happen.  If you want more foreplay in your relationship but keep that to yourself, NOTHING will change.  If you share your desire for more foreplay with your partner, together you can make it happen! In any of my big changes or moves in my life, I shared my desires with people.  I talked about wanting to spend time in Paris (truthfully I thought about it for years and nothing happened and when I started talking about it, things shifted).  I talked about starting my private practice (even though some people said it was too risky, too soon, too silly).

When you share your wishes out loud, a couple things happen.  You are setting your own plan in motion.  You make yourself accountable (if you say you want to leave your job and years go by, you will have to look more closely at your life).  You are also inviting other people to help you. If you share with your friends that you are ready to start dating again, they may have the perfect match in mind.  If you keep that to yourself, your friends might think you are content being single.

If there is something you want in your relationship, talk about it with your partner.

If there is something you want in your life, name it, say it out loud and share it with some trusted people.

Filed under: Communication, Live Your Best Life, Self-care, Support — admin @ 1:03 pm

November 9, 2011

Mending Your Broken Heart

There is no magic way to mend your broken heart. It takes time, energy and loving support.

Allow yourself the time you need to grieve and mourn. You aren’t weak or wimpy if you feel sad after ending a relationship.  If you run from your feelings, they will catch up with you!

Take care of yourself.

Ask for what you need from your friends and family.

When you are ready, look at your relationship (the REAL relationship, not what you hoped it would be).  After you have evaluated what really happened, think about what you really want in your life and what you want in the future. Describe your ideal relationship. What is really important to you? What are you willing to settle for? Get clear about it so that you don’t walk blindly into your next partnership.

Let me say this one more time (just in case you are beating up on yourself and feeling like you need to speed up your process).

Take Your Time!

Let Yourself Grieve!

Don’t Ignore Your Feelings!

Ask For Support!

Then, when you are ready you can think about moving forward (only when YOU are ready though, there is no need to rush this process).

Here is more information about recovering after a break up -

Life After a Break-up – Recovering and Moving On

Recovering From a Break-up Part 2

Filed under: Relationship, Self-care, Self-love, Support, Video — admin @ 7:25 pm

October 24, 2011

Lower Your Bar

Reach for the stars!

Raise the bar!

Push yourself harder!

What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger!

The above phrases are probably something you’ve said to yourself or someone else has said to you at one time or another.  Certainly when you are moving toward a goal or have a specific outcome in mind, pushing yourself can be helpful.

However, I talk with people regularly who are trying to reach an imaginary bar and failing.  They feel awful, even worthless, because they can’t reach their bar.  They feel like failures.

Have you ever been in a relationship where someone (a partner, parent, friend or boss) kepy raising the bar?  Maybe you worked hard to complete a project only to be told it was time to start the next one.  Maybe you studied hard to get an A- and were told it wasn’t good enough.  It can feel demoralizing to strive for something and then be told it’s not enough!

Are you raising the bar on yourself? Maybe you won’t feel good unless you can check 20 things off your to do list every day.  Perhaps you are comparing yourself to someone else and feel like you “should” be able to do as much as she does.  Any time you hear yourself saying “I should…” it is probably time to lower that bar.  Lowering the bar doesn’t make you a “loser.” Lowering the bar means you have accurate ideas about what you can and can’t do during a day.  If you lower the bar you are more likely to meet it and you are more likely to feel good about yourself. If you feel good about yourself then you will have more energy to do the things that are most important to it.  You might actually “accomplish” more by lowering the bar because feeling bad about yourself takes up a lot of time and energy!

Still nervous about lowering that bar?  You don’t have to do it forever.  You don’t even have to do it for every area of your life.  You can still reach for the stars in your career and lower the bar with housework.  You can shoot for the moon in terms of loving your partner and lower the bar with trying to take care of everyone around you.

Take an inventory of what is most important in your life.  Truly.  What is important to YOU? Are there things you are doing that don’t really matter to you?  Perhaps you can lower the bar in those areas.  Are there parts of your life that make you feel worthless or like a loser?  Perhaps in those areas you’ve placed the bar out of reach.  Do yourself a favor and make your life a little easier.  It’s OK to feel good about yourself.

Filed under: Change, Self-care, Self-love — admin @ 6:33 pm

September 21, 2011

Is Self-Care Selfish?

Self-care massage

What’s the difference between self-focus and selfishness?  What about self-love and self-centered?

Is taking care of yourself selfish? Is loving yourself selfish?

Last week in my Live Your Best Life group, we focused on self-care.  We defined self-care.  We talked about the nurturing and enjoyment self-care can bring.  We also talked about fears of self-care morphing into something else (watching your favorite TV show might feel like self-care, plunking yourself in front of the TV all day might be avoidance).  We discussed about what gets in the way of self-care (time, energy, guilt, others not supporting your self-care).  And we identified ways to practice self-care.

I would argue that not only is self-care NOT selfish, it is essential!  I think of it as the building block for many other areas of your life.  Can you do a good job at work if you are exhausted or stressed?  Can you be fully present in your relationship or if you are running on empty?  Can you take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself?

Not only is it OK for your to take care of yourself, it is necessary!  If your self-care starts to feel selfish – think about the oxygen mask on an airplane.  If there is a sudden loss of cabin pressure, you are instructed to put yours on first.  Let self-care be your oxygen mask.  If you care for yourself first, it’s easier to care for others.  If you love yourself first, it’s easier to love others.

Not sure how to practice self-care?  Try listening to your intuition.  Or look at some tips on scheduling time for yourself.

Filed under: Self-care, Self-love — admin @ 2:02 pm

September 13, 2011

Listen to that little voice inside

Jef Aerosol Mural Outside Centre Pompidou - Paris

Jef Aerosol Mural Outside Centre Pompidou - Paris

This summer I had a longer commute than usual.  I made myself a special play list to make the time more enjoyable.  My current commute is tiny and it was just last week that I decided to listen to my play list again even it was for just a couple minutes in the car.  As I would listen to little snippets of songs on my way to work or the grocery store, I found myself thinking, “I should really play more music around the house.” However, I would get home and there was work to do, pugs to cuddle with or cozy time on the couch calling my name.  For days I would get in the car, play some music, think about playing it at home, get home and finish my day music-less.  This morning I was writing in my journal, going about my morning ritual and I thought, “Hmmm, I should really turn on some music.” I got up and made my way to my laptop and found the perfect song for my morning and then I danced my way back to the couch.

DANCED my way back to the couch.

I didn’t realize I was doing it until I was about to sit down…and then I let myself dance a little more.

On some level, I have been yearning for music.  I have been yearning to dance.  A little voice inside me has been telling me to dance and I’ve been ignoring it.

What voice are you ignoring?

Sometimes it’s hard to hear that little voice inside because there are so many other voices!  My intuitive voice, or the voice in my gut screamed for music and the voice in my head rationalized that it wasn’t important.

Your voice inside may tell you one thing – “Your talents aren’t being used at work.” and your critic may tell you something else – “What talents?  You aren’t that creative.”

Your internal voice may warn – “This relationship isn’t serving me.” and your recently single friend may warn – “You are so lucky to be partnered, being single stinks!”

With so much noise, how can you wade through all of the voices and find the truth? The little voice inside is your truth. Your inner knowing might go against what others think or believe, but it is YOUR knowing, YOUR truth. The little voice inside will be insistent (Julie, you need to listen to music!)  The voice in your head might be learned (if your parents told you over and over again that you can’t make money doing what you love, that is what you head will tell you, even when your gut knows differently).

Pay attention to the different voices.  What are they telling you?  Where do you feel them in your body?  One way to sift through the voices is to become more intimate with yourself and your inner knowing.  Tune out others and turn up the volume on your inner voice.  Watch your life unfold as you honor your truth.

Filed under: Self-care, Self-love — admin @ 11:55 am

August 12, 2011

Luscious Living for the fall!

I am so excited about a workshop I’m leading in August and 2 groups I’m facilitating this fall.  You can find all of the juicy details below.

Orgasm Workshop -  Thursday, August 25th 7pm-9pm

Never had an orgasm? We’ll talk about things that might help you have your first. Having orgasms but want to have them in a different way or have more of them? We’ll talk about that too.  This is a great opportunity to be in a room with other women who are having similar experiences.  During this workshop you will have a chance to share your challenges and brainstorm new possibilities.

Each workshop will be part educational with information and resources I provide for the group and there will also be time for group sharing.  These workshops are an opportunity to learn about the theme and also share your experience with other women.  Each workshop is limited to 6 participants.  The cost is $25 per workshop.

Live Your Best Life

I am thrilled to announce that I have scheduled my next Live Your Best Life Group for women.  This time it will be 10 weeks so that we can pack all sorts of juicy goodness in the group.  I spent 5 weeks in Paris this summer; which was one of the ways that I’ve lived my best life this year and I can’t wait to share what I learned about adding pleasure to your life, taking care of yourself and living lusciously!  I hope you’ll join me.

Here are the details!

The group will meet at my office in NE Portland on Saturdays from 3pm-5pm, September 10 – November 19 (there will be NO GROUP MEETING on October 22).

We will be starting after labor day and be done before Thanksgiving so that you can totally focus on yourself before the crazy holiday schedule starts.

The cost is $25 per week.

You Don’t Have to be a Sexy Tiger – Discover YOUR Sexual Self

This is a BRAND NEW group I’ve developed based on the book I’m writing.  I can’t wait to help you learn who you are sexually!

This is a 10-week group for women who are tired of trying to fit someone else’s idea of sexy and ready to learn who YOU are sexually.

In addition to talking and sharing in a group setting, there will be exercises and assignments each week to help you find your unique sexual self.

This group runs September 12 – November 14 and meets from 7pm-9pm on Monday nights.

The cost is $30 per week.

The workshop and both groups are limited so if you are interested please let me know.  You can register by email (julie@portlandsextherapy.com) or phone (503-756-3478).

I’m so ready to live lusciously this fall and I hope that you will join me.

Filed under: Live Your Best Life, Self-care, Sexual Being, Sexuality — admin @ 8:59 am

August 8, 2011

It Takes a Village to Raise a Child and a Tribe to Support a Marriage!

Last week I traveled to the Midwest for my sister’s wedding.  As the oldest sibling, as a sex and relationship counselor, as a married person myself; I’ve been thinking about what I can pass on to my sister as she gets married.

I also had the honor of doing a reading at the wedding

I also had the honor of doing a reading at the wedding

It can be easy for couples to feel like they are on their own after they are married.  Especially now that people often grow up and then leave their hometowns.  If a couple moves to a new town together they may feel even more isolated.  In addition, after the happy day of a wedding, it might be hard for couples to share with others if they are having problems.  They might worry friends or family will judge them or be disappointed.

It’s really important for people to feel supported in their relationship and in their marriage.  It’s also important for them to feel supported individually.  I sent a request out to the women in my sister’s life asking them to contribute to a book for her.  I asked them to send their wishes, advice, quotes or stories about marriage.  I complied their thoughts and sentiments and printed them out.   We gave them to my sister the night before her wedding.

Here is something I wrote about her tribe and the wishes/advice we compiled –

I think every bride and wife needs to know she is surrounded by a tribe of women.  Here are some notes and wishes from your tribe.  We all love you and support you and are so happy for you.  We are here for you.  We are here with words, love, a shoulder if you need it, a funny joke, advice or anything else you need.  We are here for you on your special day (in presence or in spirit) and we are here for you throughout your marriage.  We love you!!!

Having a tribe of women can help you feel supported in your marriage.  Here are a few ways you can be supported and support others.

  • Have a monthly dinner with your tribe.  Talk about any ways you may need support.
  • Reach out to someone in your life and let her know you support her.  Tell her you are there if she needs you (remember support is different than unsolicited advice).
  • Reach out when you need support.  There is no shame in asking for help.
  • Create a special ritual with your tribe before the wedding.  Collage a marriage journal together, have everyone place their wishes in a special bowl,  make a scrapbook with special memories or have a slumber party.

I’m back in Portland and still have family and weddings on the brain.  I will be writing about relationships and commitment in my August newsletter.  You can subscribe here.  Look for a new post later this week on dealing with illness in your family (another time when you may need support from your tribe.)

Filed under: Marriage, Relationship, Self-care — admin @ 4:13 pm

July 26, 2011

It’s Up To You

Lily web

It’s up to you to live the life that you are wishing for.

It’s up to you to be who you want to be in your relationship.

It’s up to you to be the parent, sibling, sister, partner, lover, friend that you want to be.

It’s up to you to claim/create the job, home, relationship that you desire.

What if it wasn’t up to anyone else…but only up to you?  What would you do differently? What would you let go of?  What would you take hold of?

It’s up to you to ask for or initiate the kind of sex you are craving.

It’s up to you to lose the weight, get active, or get organized.

It’s up to you to find time for yourself do what you love, take better care of yourself, or have more fun.

Don’t wait for someone else

It’s up to you.

Filed under: Change, Self-care, Self-love — admin @ 12:40 pm

July 22, 2011

Schedule Some Time for Yourself!

Take out your calendar or planner or smart phone and pencil in some time YOU time!  Grab your To Do List.  What’s on your list?  Is it filled with tasks for work, chores, errands, things for the kids?  Is there anything for you on the list?  Take a pen and write, “ME” at the very top of your list.  It’s time you focused on yourself.

If you don’t have time, then schedule 15 minutes.  If you don’t have money then do something for free.  If you don’t have energy then take a bath or a nap.  If you don’t care about yourself enough to treat yourself to some relaxation, pampering or special time; it’s time that changed.  No one else is going to make sure that you are practicing self-care – YOU have to make time for yourself.

Here are some ways you can take care of yourself

  • Get a massage
  • Take a nap
  • Play in the garden
  • Read a book or magazine
  • Go out with girlfriends
  • Do NOTHING
  • Sit outside (you can also do this and enjoy some tea, coffee, wine or lemonade)
  • Start an art project
  • Dance
  • Sing
  • Do something silly
  • Go for a walk
  • Meditate / Pray / or do something that speaks to you spiritually
  • Cuddle with animals
  • Write in your journal
  • Go to a museum

Do something that recharges you, tickles you, feels good, is relaxing, excites you, gets your juices flowing, or makes you feels special.

Do something that is just for YOU!

Filed under: Live Your Best Life, Self-care, Self-love — admin @ 11:49 am

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