Tonight I hosted a workshop about sex and shame. I am always amazed by and grateful for the way these workshops unfold. Shame can be a powerful force in people’s lives and when you add it to the sexual realm (something people rarely talk about it) it can feel paralyzing.
When people feel shame, they often hide it. It’s embarrassing, it’s awful, it makes us “bad” – so we keep it secret. Here’s the thing about shame though…the deeper you bury it, the bigger it gets! Shame is like the monster under your bed. The more you think about it, the darker it is in your room, the bigger and scarier the monster gets. But when you turn on the light and look under your bed, you can see there isn’t a monster. When we look at our shame…address it…talk about it – it lessens. Acknowledging your shame, naming your shame – that’s how you can get rid of it. I know it can seem scary, so start small. Write about your shame, talk to someone you trust (a friend, partner or therapist) or find a group. One of the best ways to eliminate shame is to learn that you are not alone.
Your shame doesn’t serve you. It doesn’t make you braver, stronger, cooler, or better. Your shame is holding you back. It’s time to release your shame and embrace your life!
I am so excited about this new group I am offering. If you’ve been visiting this blog for a while, you know I am working on a book about women’s sexuality. This group is based on the same work. I made a video to better explain what the group is about and how it will change your life.
You can find the current information for this group on my event page. I would love it if you would join me on this journey!
Sometimes people come to my office because they have questions about sex or they want to make their sex more pleasurable, more exciting or just want it to feel “better.” I often hear, “I feel like I should know this by now” or “I feel too old to be asking this…” It doesn’t matter if they are 23, 43 or 63 – they all feel they should know it all by now.
Here’s the thing about sex. It is not a destination you reach.It is not something you figure out “once and for all.” It’s not even static (who you are sexually changes!). There is always more to learn about sex! And just because you don’t know EVERYTHING about sex, doesn’t mean you are a lousy lover. PRETENDING to know everything about sex or not learning more about sex because you are embarrassed or afraid probably does negatively impact your sexual experience.
If you are looking for more information about sex, here are some resources.
Talk with a sex therapist, counselor or educator. There doesn’t have to be something “wrong” with your sex life for you to go get some support. You don’t even have to go long term. Going to 1-3 sessions may give you enough information to take your sex life from “so-so” to “So Great!”
Read a book about sex and relationships.
Attend a class or workshop. If you are in the Portland Area, She Bop is a great resource.
Visit your local sex toy store. Talking with the staff and seeing books, videos and toys up close and personal can be very helpful.
Watch a video. There are plenty of “how to” videos out there.
You can also talk to your partner and explore this together.
There is no shame in wanting to improve your sex life or learn more about what pleases you or your partner. Get yourself some sex education. I’m betting your homework will be really fun!
Has your sex life become a little predictable? One easy way to spice things up is with a costume!
A costume can be as dramatic and elaborate (or as simple) as you like. It can be a wonderful visual tool to get you out of a sexual rut. Your costume can be playful, sophisticated, raunchy, alluring, explicit, understated and more. Costumes can also be incorporated into role-play.
Halloween is a really great time to get costumes at discounted prices! You don’t have to shop at a sex toy store to find something naughty to wear (though if you do, you can pick up other fun, sexy supplies), you can find costumes online or anywhere you find other Halloween supplies.
If buying a costume feels like too much of an investment, you can piece something together at home. A costume doesn’t have to be a full body costume, it can even be an accessory or a hint of a costume.
Sexy undergarments
Stockings and heels
A coat with nothing underneath it
His necktie
The purpose of a costume is not to embarrass you or make you feel uncomfortable. Don’t get something that you will be second-guessing or hate wearing. Look for a costume that makes you feel sexy and will also be a fun treat for your partner.
Looking for more ways to spice up your sex life? Subscribe to my free monthly newsletter. Or check out these previous posts.
So often I talk with people who want more foreplay, want their partner to be more dominant or want to feel desired by their partner.
While all of these are certainly worthy wishes, they are abstract and might be hard for a partner to do without more information.
When you want something from your partner (in the bedroom or out of the bedroom) be explicit. The more specific you are about your desires, the easier it will be for your partner to meet them.
If you are asking for more foreplay, make sure you paint a picture of what you want. Do you want more kissing? Do you want oral sex? Maybe want you really want is verbal affirmations or flirting.
If you want your partner to be dominant, tell him what dominance looks like. Do you want him to grab you from behind? Do you want him to tell you what to do? Do you want him to tie you up or spank you?
If you want to feel desired, you need to share what will make you feel desired. Is it a look? A touch? Certain words?
If you want your partner to talk dirty, what kind of words do you want him to use?
If you want your partner to be more loving, what will make you feel loved?
The only way to get exactly what you want is to share exactly what it looks like. Do your partner a favor and be explicit about your desire. Do yourself a favor and be explicit about your desires!
Have you ever been in a situation where your partner spends oodles of time licking away on a certain part of your body, but what you really want is to be kissed somewhere else?
Perhaps your partner is sweet and tender and tonight you really want to be taken in a way that feels rough or passionate.
On Studio6 we talked about getting the sex you want.
It’s OK to ask for something different in the bedroom. It’s OK to want things sexually. It’s more than OK to get the sex you want!
I often hear from women that they want more foreplay. Foreplay can be a wonderful way to make sure you are both warmed up and ready to connect fully sexually. So what is it?
Foreplay happens after seduction and before the main event. If intercourse is the main event for you, oral sex might be foreplay. If oral sex is the main event, then foreplay might be a sensual massage that moves into heavy petting. Foreplay is more than just leaning over and giving your partner a squeeze. The most enjoyable foreplay wakes your partner’s body up and then turns your partner’s body on.
Foreplay (like seduction) can before very personal. One common theme is that it’s most exciting when someone takes his or her time with foreplay. A slow build up can be very tantalizing.
Step 1 – Find out your partner’s favorite kind of foreplay (the easiest way to do that is to ask).
Are you overwhelmed by all of the sadness or hardship in the world? Maybe you are going through a personal or family struggle. Maybe you just feel sad.
My September newsletter – How can you focus on sex when there is so much sadness in the world? – can be read here.
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Have sex during a different time of day – Schedule a lunch/sex date and notice how the afterglow lingers when you are back at work.
Seduction – Just because you are expecting to have sex doesn’t mean you can’t seduce your partner!
Focus on foreplay – Scheduled sex doesn’t have to be a quickie (although that can be fun too). Take your time and really enjoy each others bodies!
Heighten your senses – Add a blindfold, use ear plugs (or headphones with music) or restraints (scarves, handcuffs, ropes, etc) and see how that shifts the experience for you. When you remove one sense, it will impact the others.
Scheduled sex doesn’t have to be boring. You can spice up your sex even when it’s written on your calendar.
