Sometimes people come to my office because they have questions about sex or they want to make their sex more pleasurable, more exciting or just want it to feel “better.” I often hear, “I feel like I should know this by now” or “I feel too old to be asking this…” It doesn’t matter if they are 23, 43 or 63 – they all feel they should know it all by now.
Here’s the thing about sex. It is not a destination you reach.It is not something you figure out “once and for all.” It’s not even static (who you are sexually changes!). There is always more to learn about sex! And just because you don’t know EVERYTHING about sex, doesn’t mean you are a lousy lover. PRETENDING to know everything about sex or not learning more about sex because you are embarrassed or afraid probably does negatively impact your sexual experience.
If you are looking for more information about sex, here are some resources.
Talk with a sex therapist, counselor or educator. There doesn’t have to be something “wrong” with your sex life for you to go get some support. You don’t even have to go long term. Going to 1-3 sessions may give you enough information to take your sex life from “so-so” to “So Great!”
Read a book about sex and relationships.
Attend a class or workshop. If you are in the Portland Area, She Bop is a great resource.
Visit your local sex toy store. Talking with the staff and seeing books, videos and toys up close and personal can be very helpful.
Watch a video. There are plenty of “how to” videos out there.
You can also talk to your partner and explore this together.
There is no shame in wanting to improve your sex life or learn more about what pleases you or your partner. Get yourself some sex education. I’m betting your homework will be really fun!
Has your sex life become a little predictable? One easy way to spice things up is with a costume!
A costume can be as dramatic and elaborate (or as simple) as you like. It can be a wonderful visual tool to get you out of a sexual rut. Your costume can be playful, sophisticated, raunchy, alluring, explicit, understated and more. Costumes can also be incorporated into role-play.
Halloween is a really great time to get costumes at discounted prices! You don’t have to shop at a sex toy store to find something naughty to wear (though if you do, you can pick up other fun, sexy supplies), you can find costumes online or anywhere you find other Halloween supplies.
If buying a costume feels like too much of an investment, you can piece something together at home. A costume doesn’t have to be a full body costume, it can even be an accessory or a hint of a costume.
Sexy undergarments
Stockings and heels
A coat with nothing underneath it
His necktie
The purpose of a costume is not to embarrass you or make you feel uncomfortable. Don’t get something that you will be second-guessing or hate wearing. Look for a costume that makes you feel sexy and will also be a fun treat for your partner.
Looking for more ways to spice up your sex life? Subscribe to my free monthly newsletter. Or check out these previous posts.
So often I talk with people who want more foreplay, want their partner to be more dominant or want to feel desired by their partner.
While all of these are certainly worthy wishes, they are abstract and might be hard for a partner to do without more information.
When you want something from your partner (in the bedroom or out of the bedroom) be explicit. The more specific you are about your desires, the easier it will be for your partner to meet them.
If you are asking for more foreplay, make sure you paint a picture of what you want. Do you want more kissing? Do you want oral sex? Maybe want you really want is verbal affirmations or flirting.
If you want your partner to be dominant, tell him what dominance looks like. Do you want him to grab you from behind? Do you want him to tell you what to do? Do you want him to tie you up or spank you?
If you want to feel desired, you need to share what will make you feel desired. Is it a look? A touch? Certain words?
If you want your partner to talk dirty, what kind of words do you want him to use?
If you want your partner to be more loving, what will make you feel loved?
The only way to get exactly what you want is to share exactly what it looks like. Do your partner a favor and be explicit about your desire. Do yourself a favor and be explicit about your desires!
Have you ever been in a situation where your partner spends oodles of time licking away on a certain part of your body, but what you really want is to be kissed somewhere else?
Perhaps your partner is sweet and tender and tonight you really want to be taken in a way that feels rough or passionate.
On Studio6 we talked about getting the sex you want.
It’s OK to ask for something different in the bedroom. It’s OK to want things sexually. It’s more than OK to get the sex you want!
I often hear from women that they want more foreplay. Foreplay can be a wonderful way to make sure you are both warmed up and ready to connect fully sexually. So what is it?
Foreplay happens after seduction and before the main event. If intercourse is the main event for you, oral sex might be foreplay. If oral sex is the main event, then foreplay might be a sensual massage that moves into heavy petting. Foreplay is more than just leaning over and giving your partner a squeeze. The most enjoyable foreplay wakes your partner’s body up and then turns your partner’s body on.
Foreplay (like seduction) can before very personal. One common theme is that it’s most exciting when someone takes his or her time with foreplay. A slow build up can be very tantalizing.
Step 1 – Find out your partner’s favorite kind of foreplay (the easiest way to do that is to ask).
Are you overwhelmed by all of the sadness or hardship in the world? Maybe you are going through a personal or family struggle. Maybe you just feel sad.
My September newsletter – How can you focus on sex when there is so much sadness in the world? – can be read here.
Want to receive my monthly newsletter directly in your inbox? Subscribe here.
Have sex during a different time of day – Schedule a lunch/sex date and notice how the afterglow lingers when you are back at work.
Seduction – Just because you are expecting to have sex doesn’t mean you can’t seduce your partner!
Focus on foreplay – Scheduled sex doesn’t have to be a quickie (although that can be fun too). Take your time and really enjoy each others bodies!
Heighten your senses – Add a blindfold, use ear plugs (or headphones with music) or restraints (scarves, handcuffs, ropes, etc) and see how that shifts the experience for you. When you remove one sense, it will impact the others.
Scheduled sex doesn’t have to be boring. You can spice up your sex even when it’s written on your calendar.
I love my monthly women’s sexuality workshops and I’m excited to announce the last two for 2011!
Each workshop is part educational (I provide information and resources) and there is also time for group sharing. These workshops are an opportunity to learn about the theme and also share your experience with other women. Each workshop is limited to 6 participants. The cost is $25 per workshop. To reserve your spot, or if you would like more information, please contact me at julie@portlandsextherapy.com or 503-756-3478.
Sensuality and Sexuality – Thursday, October 27 7pm-9pm
Sensuality can be a great bridge to sexuality and it can also be practiced on its own. Tonight we will focus on defining sensuality and identifying ways sensuality can impact your desire and pleasure.
Sex and Shame – Thursday, December 1 7pm-9pm
Is shame getting in the way of truly enjoying your sexuality? We’ll talk about shame, where it might come from and ways you can release it so you can reclaim your sexuality and enjoy your sexual experiences fully!
These workshops are a great opportunity to be in a small group of women with similar experiences. Not only will you learn ways to enhance your sexual experiences, you will learn that you are not alone.
Having a routine is often a good thing. A daily routine helps you create habits and can be very grounding. Having a morning routine can help get your day moving. Creating an exercise routine helps you ensure you will meet your health or weight loss goals. But what about a sex routine?
The good thing about routine sex is that things usually become routine sexually because you like them. If you know that your partner loves to be kissed on the back of her neck, it makes sense that would become part of your sexual recipe. If there is a certain way it’s easier for you to orgasm, that will be part of your routine. The problem with routine sex is that it can become boring! If your routine is starting to feel less satisfying and more like a rut, it’s time to try shake things up a bit!
Here are a few ways to break out of your sexual rut –
Talk about what you want – brainstorm things that you might like to try or things you think are sexy
