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I look forward to seeing you there!

You’ve made it through the stress of planning your wedding and the picturesque day and the romantic honeymoon, and now what?  For some people, life post-wedding can feel like quite a let down.  So much energy and work and excitement goes into planning a wedding and once it’s over, regular life can feel a little pale in comparison.  Now is a good time to look forward and focus on what you want your marriage to be.  (And if you are still in the planning stages, don’t just focus on your wedding, but put at least as much energy into planning what you want your marriage to be).

We hear “newlyweds” or “honeymoon stage” and we think: romance, excitement and lots of great sex!  Which very well may be the case for you…or it might not be.   In the beginning of a relationship our hormones are on overdrive we are giddy and excited and sometimes it can be really hard when those wear off.  The other things to keep in mind is that relationships take work, and sometimes people don’t like that.  Often people want to meet the right person, fall in love and live “happily ever after.”

Here are some common bumps newlyweds can encounter

• Role expectations and household chores – who does what?
• Money (hopefully you talked about this before the wedding)
• Where you spend the holidays
• Balancing time – independence versus interdependence
• Sex

As time goes on we get “set in our ways” and develop habits.  It’s great to start healthy behavior now so you don’t have to try to learn it or fit it in  the future.

Here are some ways to set yourself up for success in the beginning of your marriage -

• Date Night  – get it on the calendar.  If you can’t fit it in once a week look at every other week.  It’s a lot harder to find time for it in the future.
• Talking about tough things ­- money, how you spend your time, jealousy  – Get in the habit of talking about these things now.  It’s great if you can find time to sit down and talk about things once a week.  These don’t always have to be “hard conversations” you can talk about fun things too.
• Role expectations – who does what around the house and in your marriage?
• The future – goals, plans and desires

If you are a newlywed, enjoy that status!  Embrace it.  And also know that being a newlywed doesn’t always mean that life will be breezy and fun.  However, if you set yourself up for success now, those benefits will last you for years to come!

This month’s newsletter highlights Five Tips to Spice Up Your Sex Life.  If you are interested in this information and would like to receive it directly in your inbox, then you will want to sign up for my newsletter today!

If you have sex or relationship questions you can send them in and I will answer them on the show on the last Wednesday of the month. You can send your questions to studio6@koin.com or julie@portlandsextherapy.com.

Tune in to Studio 6 tomorrow at 4pm to see this month’s questions.  If you don’t live in Portland, you can find the video posted on my Facebook Site after they air.

If you’ve been cheated on or deceived you still need to grieve and mourn and ask for support.  In addition to the grief, there may be more hurt and anger to process.  You don’t want to ignore your anger. Find a healthy way to work through it.  Talk about it, write about it, or find a physical way to express it, like running or playing a sport.

In addition to expressing your anger, you may need to forgive yourself.  That might sound strange.  Forgive myself for being deceived???  Yes!  Often when someone has been lied to or cheated on, they blame themselves.  “If I was a better partner he wouldn’t have left” or “if I was smarter I wouldn’t have dated him.”  Let go of the “what ifs” and be gentle with yourself.

If you are feeling some anger, here is an exercise that might help.  Write a letter to your ex.  Say all of the things that are hurting you.  Tell him how pissed you are.  Get it all out there, but don’t send it.  Burn it, bury it, do whatever feels meaningful to you and then let go of that anger so you can move on.

You can start by just checking in with your partner about sex.  Have a conversation that starts with “I loved it when you ______ last night.”  or “The other night was really sexy, what did you think of it?”  And then ask your partner if there is anything he wants to try.  Then share if there is something you would like.  Have a conversation about your desires.

If you are asking for something that might be tender for your partner (more foreplay, longer lasting intercourse) start with a compliment.  “I love making love with you AND I think it would be really sexy if we could have more foreplay.”

If the idea of having a whole conversation about sex feels too hard or embarrassing for you, then practice asking for something else.  Ask for something small.  Ask for a kiss or a hug or a foot massage.  And then when that becomes easier, you can add sexual desires to the conversation.

We talked about this topic on Studio6.  You can see the video here. On the video I talk about creating a fantasy box with your partner.  You can each write a few sexual things you would like to try and put them in a box.  Then when you are ready to be intimate, take turns pulling them out of the box and make your fantasies come true!

There are a few things that can impact the length of time it takes for you to move on:

The length of the relationship
The depth of the relationship
How much you typically get attached to people (do you get really connected to people?  If so, you might need a little more time.)

There is not a certain amount of time that it “should” take, but there are things you can do to make it easier.

Let yourself mourn.  It is a loss and you might be sad or angry or hurt, let yourself feel these emotions.  Let yourself be comforted by friends.  Ask for what you need. Focus on yourself.  Do things you used to love but didn’t have time for in your relationship.  It’s a great time to start a new hobby or join a group.

As you mourn, don’t get caught up in the fantasy of what your relationship could have been.  So often when people are mourning a relationship they are mourning things that weren’t there.  For example, “I will miss the vacations we were going to take.”

After you’ve mourned and taken care of yourself then it’s time to look at your last relationship.  Be objective.  What worked, what didn’t?  Once you’ve looked at your past relationship, you then get to look forward.  What do you want to be different in the future?  Who do you want to be in relationship with and Who Do YOU want to be in that relationship?

Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time.  And when you are ready make a list of what you want in your next relationship or partner.   This step is important because you don’t want to repeat patterns or past mistakes.  What do you want in your next relationship, your next partner?  Put it on paper.  When you can look ahead, it’s a good sign that you are ready to move on…

Fair Fighting

Fair Fighting Dos

• Solve the Problem – Don’t try to Win
• Stay in the Present – Don’t Bring up Past Problems (if you are fighting about household chores, don’t bring up your mother-in-law or sex, stick to the topic)
• Limit your Fights to 30 minutes or Less
• Take a Time Out if necessary (it’s important that if you request a time out that you then tell you partner how long you need and when you would like to talk about this again)
• Speak for Yourself – Use “I” statements
• Take Turns Talking

Fair Fighting Don’ts

• No Name-Calling
• No Abusive Language (this can including swearing or sarcasm or anything you find hurtful)
• Attack the Issue, Not Your Partner
• Don’t get Physical
• Don’t Blame Your Partner
• Don’t Make Threats – No Talk of Divorce or Breaking Up if the fight doesn’t go your way

It’s important to define your fair fight rules with your partner before you are fighting.  You can use the above rules as guidelines and this site also has some great fair fight rules.  Make sure you both agree on what goes on your list.  You may want to add “no yelling” or “no mind reading”  or anything else that feels appropriate for your relationship.

And then you need to post this list where you can see it.  It might take a little time to get in the habit of following the rules, but once you do you’ll quickly learn that taking a little time to keep fighting at bay can give you more quality time with your partner.

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• Talk about your next vacation.
• Make out.
• Cuddle.
• Laugh.
• Take a bath.
• Go for a Walk.
• Enjoy a drink out on the patio.
• Talk about things you love about each other.

Do something that feels so good that you want to use more than your allotted 10 minutes.  Make it so fulfilling, so juicy, that you will want to schedule more time next time.  Once you see how good 10 minutes feels, next time you will want a half an hour.  Give it to yourself!  And once you get used to carving that time out, then date night and maybe even a vacation aren’t too far behind.  Think of this time as a small way you can recharge your relationship.  You have to charge your cell phone right?  You can’t talk and talk and talk and expect the battery to last.  You need to (re)charge yourself and your relationship too.  And the more charged it is, the better it feels (works) between charges.  So instead of “I don’t have time” or “I can’t afford it” it’s time to say “I will make time” (even if it’s 10 minutes) and “I can’t afford to not take the time.”  10 minutes.  You can find 10 minutes.  Stop reading this post and go smooch on your partner!  Take those 10 minutes, starting….Now!